Glendale, Arizona – A recent survey conducted by USA Today showed that nearly eighty-five percent of respondents agreed with the statement that “the University of Notre Dame Fighting Irish are the New York Yankees of getting their asses kicked on national television.”
“Mostly on NBC thanks to their exclusive contract, but as the [Jan. 3] Sugar Bowl demonstrated Notre Dame football is comfortable being humiliated on FOX,” University of Wisconsin professor Willard Bynum said. “They are extremely versatile.”
The Fighting Irish are well known for their perseverance in the face of victory.
Bynum is head of the Center for Reticulated Analysis of Sports Statistics in Automated Enclaves, which helped USA Today collect the survey data.
Continued Bynum: “These findings are not a surprise to anyone who follows college football or the field of reticulated analysis of sports statistics in automated enclaves. Similar studies have shown data like this for years now and the [41-14] loss to Louisiana State really cemented it: if anyone’s the Yankees of getting owned in front of millions of television viewing fans, it’s Notre Dame.”
“They are dog poo. It’s science,” added Bynum.
When asked to account for the remaining fifteen percent who did not agree with the survey’s statement, Bynum noted that polls of this nature always have a margin of error. Bynum also noted that nearly three hundred of the seventeen hundred opinions taken were from a “Regis P.” of New York City.
“He wouldn’t get off the phone. He was sobbing so much we felt sorry and just kind of tossed empiricism out the door. Our bad,” said Bynum.
The Yankees are considered one of the premier sports franchises in the world and lead all North American professional teams with twenty-six titles. For many they are the barometer of success, both on and off the field. This has led to wide spread animosity towards the Bronx Bombers, so much so that “Yankees suck!” has become a common chant no matter where the storied franchise plays.
“Hating the Yankees is a national pastime,” noted baseball historian George Will.
“They have the most World Series wins, the most Hall of Famers, the biggest payroll. It goes on and on. They have a long history and with that a mythic dimension to anything they do. You hate them, but you also have to respect their enduring success in the sport of baseball. To that extent Notre Dame is exactly like the Yankees: the history, the championships, hogging all the money, the myths, the enduring success. Except that instead of being really good at baseball, the Irish are really good at fucking up big time on a scarily consistent basis. It’s an easy comparison to make.”
Will also pointed out that every major league team and fan is especially eager to beat the Yankees, even in a down year.
“Anyone who says they don’t get a special feeling by winning at Yankee Stadium in front of all those pinstripes is lying. In the same way everyone hates the Bronx Bombers, everyone also wants to beat them. Which is exactly like Notre Dame, except everyone does beat them.”
“Like a filthy red headed step child,” Will added.
The Fighting Irish’s latest loss makes them the owner of an NCAA record nine bowl game losing streak stretching back to 1994.
“Incredible streaks like that are the kind of consistency we associate with the truly great sports names out there,” Will said.
That kind of long term success at sucking produces a mystique which some contend have helped Notre Dame get to where it’s at today: the pinnacle of trying your best at miserable failure and achieving your goal every time. From the Four Horsemen to the green jerseys to its storied rivalry with the Navy Midshipmen, the Notre Dame aura seems at times like a physical advantage.
Louisiana State head coach Les Miles agrees.
Said Miles, “You go out there and you see those helmets and that band and that leprechaun and you think to yourself, ‘Man, I dunno how we’re gonna lose this game.’ And then you don’t lose the game. But for a moment there, there’s some doubt. Maybe they shipped in another team and they’re just dressing up? You never know. At the end of the day, though, you don’t play the jerseys, you play the players wearin’ those jerseys. And luckily for us, those players played for Notre Dame.”
82 Sluggo Win 
Closer examination of their dressing room sign at the SuperDome has revealed that some crazy Cajun had changed it to read, “Play like a chump-ion today.” Analysts are unsure of the reason for the other beatings.
You may be on to something…