Notre Dame objects to ESPN billing of Sugar Bowl as “Catholics vs. Competent Football Players”

Bristol, Connecticut – University of Notre Dame president Rev. John Jenkins held a press conference yesterday in which he vigorously objected to ESPN’s branding of the upcoming Sugar Bowl between the Fighting Irish and the Louisiana State Tigers as “Catholics vs. Competent Football Players”.

Friends described Jenkins, above, as “steaming fucking mad” regarding ESPN’s advertising of the Sugar Bowl.

A highly anticipated 1988 game between Notre Dame and the Miami Hurricanes was billed as “Catholics vs. Convicts”, with the often controversial Miami program seen as the “Convicts”. Notre Dame won that game 31-30 after ‘Cane head coach Jimmy Johnson elected to go for a two-point conversion which failed, ending Miami’s winning streak. The Irish would go on to win the national championship.

“We object to ESPN’s characterization of the Sugar Bowl. The 1988 characterization was itself offensive, but even more offensive is the idea of comparing that team to our present one. Frankly, I’m appalled. The ’88 squad had offensive talent just like today’s, with players like Tony Rice, Rocket Ismail and Rickey Watters. But they also had defense with guys like linebacker Michael Stonebreaker, defensive end Frank Stams and nose tackle Chris Zorich. Defense! Think of that! Defense wins championships! Who would’ve thought? Jesus fucking Christ,” Jenkins said.

“Sorry,” he added, staring upwards.

“Sorry we don’t have a better football team in Your name, that is,” he would later add after a long pause.

A perfectly cromulent guide to using Simpsons quotes during bowl season

Ahhh, bowl season. Hah-hah if you’re not participating, hah-hah if you’re playing in something sponsored by the auto industry, hah-hah if you’re real confident your interim head coach’ll lead you to the promised land: bowl season is a time to reflect on the past dozen games, give thanks and, most of all, disparage everyone in sight including your own team. We do it out of love, but mainly out of a deep seated bitterness familiar to anyone who’s ever painted his face and gone “WHOOOOOO!” into the camera while holding up a single digit to indicate your belonging to a top ranked something or other. Bowl season also coincides with the holidays. As nearly every single study, report and source of scientific veracity tells us the holidays are a time of barely contained suicidal depression. It’s time to fight back that depression (Florida State, I’m lookin’ at you) with the best weapon we have: humor! And what better or broader avenue of humor do we have as red blooded Americans than The Simpsons? As demonstrated before, The Simpsons is Shakespearean in its ability to provide a quote for nearly every occassion. To that end, I present to you A Perfectly Cromulent Guide to Using Simpsons Quotes During Bowl Season, aka Several Awkward Moments at Your Local Bar.

(I’d like to take this time to thank the following: The Onion’s A.V. Club for giving me the idea way back when, SNPP for providing an invaluable time wasting resource, The Simpsons Gallery for the screen caps, and my two former roommates, without whom I might’ve learned something in college instead of just playing poker and quoting The Simpsons.)

(And my mommy. She doesn’t know anything about the show, but she’s still pretty cool.)

*****

Quote: “I sleep in a drawer!”
Episode: “A Milhouse Divided” (12/1/96)
Context on the show: Milhouse is concerned about his parents’ strained relationship. Schoolyard bully Kearney consoles him by saying, “Ah, you’ll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid, but he got over it.” Then his son, who’s a spitting image of dad, cheerfully pipes in with the above quote.
When to use: Whenever a coach or talking head is discussing a new wrinkle that hasn’t gone quite the way everyone hoped it would.
Example: Coach: “Well, Bob, some might say that the addition of elements of the spread offense to our packages might’ve led to that three hundred percent increase in fumbles, but they don’t take into account the extra six yards of rushing per game we’ve achieved.” You: “I sleep in a drawer!”
Notes: Must be said in happy, high pitched voice. In fact, only Ralph Wiggum‘s voice will do.

Quote: “My eyes… the goggles, they do nothing!”
Episode: “Radioactive Man” (9/24/95)
Context on the show: During filming of the climactic set piece in the action movie Radioactive Man the director gives the following instructions: “OK, listen up everybody: this is the hardest, most expensive scene in the movie, and we only get one shot at it so we have to do it right. Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety moments before he’s hit with a forty-foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now, that’s real acid, so I want to see goggles, people!” Fallout Boy has disappeared from the set, however, and film star Rainier Wolfcastle is promptly carried away by a titanic wave of acid whilst screaming the above.
When to use: After a brutally ugly play, particularly if said play was the result of someone simply not showing up. Alternatively, this can be used as a catchall phrase whenever you see anything unpleasant (ex. Charlie Weis in a jumpsuit).
Example: During a crucial third and long your team’s offensive tackle throws a “lookout!” block. Result: sack. You: “My eyes… the goggles, they do nothing!”
Notes: A thick German accent helps (Wolfcastle is a parody of the Governator). Also, if an obvious pattern of suckitude from one particular player or situation develops it is acceptable to preempt said suckitude with “Real acid?”, a question Wolfcastle asks the director after the aforementioned instructions. Think deer in the headlights of a truck carrying acid.

Voltron to coach Tide in ’07

Tuscaloosa, Alabama – University of Alabama president Dr. Robert E. Witt couldn’t help smiling on Tuesday before his big announcement.

Said Witt: “Yeah, we shot for the moon.”

And hit it.

At a press conference held at Bryant-Denny Stadium last night Witt announced that college football legend and giant gestalt lion mecha being Voltron would coach the Crimson Tide, effective immediately. No details concerning the sword wielding robot’s contract were offered.

Voltron.

Meyer demands rock-paper-scissors showdown in lieu of BCS title game

The innovator always at work: Meyer demonstrates a new rock-paper-scissors technique he hopes to use in Glendale, Arizona, site of the BCS National Championship.

Gainesville, Fla. – Urban Meyer knows something about unfairness. Two seasons ago the second year Florida head coach had to listen while pundits across the nation knocked the Bowl Championship Series and a system which kept an undefeated Auburn team from playing for the national title. The Tigers beat ACC champion Virginia Tech in the Sugar Bowl but USC – owners of an impressive 55-19 destruction of previously unbeaten Oklahoma – was everyone’s unanimous champion in 2004. Still, the consensus was that Auburn deserved a shot at the Trojans.

The problem? The Alex Smith led Utah Utes were also undefeated – and coached by Meyer.

“I die a little bit every time I think about it,” Meyer says.

“Not a day goes by that I don’t want to brain an intern or strangle a small dog over the thought of it. We had a good team in ’04. A fine team. To have worked that hard and not even be in the equation….” He trails off and sits in his office, contemplating. The room is brightly lit and fiendishly organized. There are stacks of three ring binders everywhere, all of them neatly labeled with things like “12/6 PERSONNEL PKG.” and “OATMEAL CRAN COOKIES W/ HAZEL GLZ.” Meyer is the only coach present.

“Sometimes,” he says suddenly, “when I’m sitting at home watching game film I’ll use the google to find a picture of the crystal ball and…. It’s hard to explain. Have you ever seen the movie Punch-Drunk Love? There’s this part: Adam Sandler’s character, he’s finally pouring his heart out to the girl, and that scene has always been close to my own heart. It’s something real special.”

Meyer pauses. Upon first meeting him it’s impossible to get a sense of the forces at struggle deep within. He is incredibly cordial and measured, a man every bit in control as a career 59-12 head coaching record would indicate – but now there is a brief crack in the armor. Without getting up from his chair he wheels over to a nearby computer and quickly brings up a picture of the BCS national championship trophy. Meyer stares intently at the screen, nodding quietly.

“I’m lookin’ at your face and I just wanna smash it. I just wanna fuckin’ smash it with a sledgehammer and squeeze it. You’re so pretty,” he whispers, eyes never leaving the crystal football glowing out from the monitor.

The First Annual Creedies

There are a number of All-American lists out there. They usually put the people with the best stats and highest name recognition on these lists. For offensive linemen, they use the latter. These lists are recognized and recorded by the schools involved. This is not one of those.

My favorite character from the American version of The Office is Creed. It’s not even close, frankly. I like Michael and Dwight and Kevin but Creed is Creed. Unfortunately, no one else seems to agree with me. Everyone’s enamoured with Jim’s eyebrows and his new love interest and blah blah blah. While it’s true that the absolute funniest peak of the show was dinkin’ flicka, I live for Creed moments. More relevantly, I believe Creed is fully under appreciated. Thus, this is a list of those players I have seen with my own eyes who are not getting enough recognition for their fine contributions. And, like Creed, it’s possible these players are “not offended by homosexuality. In the [90s they] made love to many, many women – often outdoors in the mud and the rain – and it’s possible that a man slipped in. There’d be no way of knowing….”

Creed knows all. Except Pam. Who the hell is Pam?

One note: every single one of my defensive picks either play for the Trojans or have played against them. This is inevitable; I tend to pay attention to defensive players mainly when they’re directly opposed to USC. Offensive players are easier to spot due to highlights and mind boggling stats. This is reflected in the fact that four of my offensive picks have never suited up against USC. I have seen every single one of these players or units in action this season.

The First Annual Creedies

Derek Landri, senior DT, Notre Dame – Way to start this list off with a bang: pick a blah player from the nation’s most overrated team whose chief sin is fielding a non-existant defense that didn’t even look good against the Daytona Beach Coast Guard Night School. I would agree with you on every facet – Tom Zibkowski is not a good safety the way I am not a good safety (though he does have a terrific knack for getting a hold of the ball and putting it into the endzone), Victor Abiamiri likes to apply his lips to the testicles of the offspring of donkeys, etc. – except that I think Landri is just amazing. I hesitate to use that buzz word applied to mid-rounders who inevitably die off at the next level but were the darlings of their college fanbases, but Landri really does have a non-stop motor. I’ve never gone so far as to obtain and then break down game tape, but I’m fairly certain Landri grades out at a very high percentage rate in terms of positive plays. I don’t really remember him getting blown off the ball against ‘SC – a common experience for even the most highly touted defensive tackles – and I do recall cussing, with the regularity and color of a syphilitic sailor, his ability to maintain his gap and even get into the backfield once in a while. More than that I always got a distinct sense that I’d like to have Landri on my team, which seems like a good barometer for these kinds of list. He’s a player I’ve always liked, and I’ve enjoyed USC kicking his team’s ass over and over again, and neither of those two are mutually exclusive.