Monthly Archives: February 2007

Paterno, Bowden to star in “zany” Uwe Boll adaptation of Half-Life

HOLLYWOOD – The two winningest coaches in college football history – Joe Paterno of Penn State and Florida State’s Bobby Bowden – are now set to star in what might be next year’s winningest movie: Uwe Boll’s adaptation of the best selling video game franchise Half-Life.

Boll – the director of critically acclaimed video game adaptations like Alone in the Dark and BloodRayne – has already begun filming in the Czech Republic and Tallahassee, Florida.

Half-Life (1998) and Half-Life 2 (2004) both garnered dozens of game of the year awards and are generally regarded as two of the finest PC games ever produced. The games are set in a not too distant Earth where research into teleportation causes an alien race to initiate an inter-dimensional invasion. A single scientist named Gordon Freeman is left to navigate the remains of the research facility in search of a solution to the incursion.

“I’m a big fan of the game,” Paterno said. “Let’s just say that [Half-Life offshoot] Counterstrike might’ve contributed to my [10-13 combined] record in 2000 and 2001. I had to drop out of college for a while and really collect myself. Now that I’ve had some perspective, it’s an honor to be attached to this film.”

Using technology from films like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and X-Men: The Last Stand, Paterno will be transformed into a terrifying zombie and multiplied to fill the screen with digital clones of himself. The zombies are created when vicious “headcrabs” attack human beings and turn them into mindless manifestations of violence bent on devouring and multiplying.

“I feel like I was born to do this,” said Paterno.

A promotional t-shirt for the upcoming movie “Half-Life“, directed by Uwe Boll. (Graphic courtesy of: The House That Rock Built)

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Filed under ACC, Big Ten, Fake news

Stanford football’s suicide letter criticized for bibliography

PALO ALTO, CA – The suicide letter left by Stanford football has been criticized by the literary community for its “poorly cited” bibliography, prompting a series of back and forths between several journalists, literature publications and even members of Stanford’s own English department. Though there have been no outright accusations of plagiarism, the issue has nonetheless spawned an international outcry coming on the heels of the letter being shortlisted for the Samuel Johnson Prize for non-fiction.

An image from the jacket of Stanford Football: Deconstructing 116 Years of Grotesquerie and the Fabulism of Crowds (Stanford University Press, 2007)

“It’s ridiculous,” said Ramon Saldivar, chair of the Stanford English department and author of The Borderlands of Culture: Américo Paredes and the Transnational Imaginary (2006).

“The bibliography is fine. I’ll tell you exactly what this is: cultural backlash. Six years of anti-Americanism has manifested itself in European disdain for the kind of revolutionary research represented by Stanford football’s suicide letter. They haven’t directly said ‘plagiarism’ but we all know what’s at stake here, what they’re insinuating. I stand by the football department and their work. It’s daring stuff. It’s the kind of writing that made this country the locus of late twentieth century literature at the expense of continental Europe, and they know it.”

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Filed under Fake news, Pac-10 is pro-Nazi

Follow closely…

  1. Godwin’s law says “As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.”
  2. is a type of online discussion.
  3. As the online discussion at grows longer, the probability of a Pete Carroll to [insert NFL franchise here] rumor approaches one.
  4. Those reading a Pete Carroll to [insert NFL franchise here] rumor take the event at face value, conveniently forgetting the cumulative evidence of past crimes (untruth).
  5. Citizens of pre-1945 Germany took each action of Hitler and the Nazis at face value, conveniently forgetting the cumulative evidence of past crimes (untruth, suspicious moustaches).
  6. is pro-Hitler and pro-Nazi.
  7. We must invade with a two pronged attack through North Africa and Italy, and the coasts of Normandy. Also, maybe get PFT to besiege Stalingrad.
  8. Band of Brothers is really, really good.

How did I arrive at these conclusions? Number 8 is pretty easy since it’s absolutely true. The preceding seven are a little harder to come by, but they sprang fully formed into my mind after reading this post by FreeMethomps of

The Pete Carroll Principle

I’m sure most of you have heard of the Peter Principle: “In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.” Well, I’m about to (re?)introduce you to a principle that will hopefully attract lots of grant money for me to live off of: The Pete Carroll Principle.

I haven’t gotten it down as succinctly as the Peter Principle yet, but basically it goes like this: “If you repeat a rumor over and over, it may eventually come true and make you look like a genius for ‘calling it’.”

Today’s example of the Pete Carroll principle comes from, an NFL rumor site that has been humping the “Pete Carroll to the NFL” rumor since…well, you’ll see. Now, here are most of his excerpts about Carroll to the NFL. I have omitted a couple entries where he only briefly mentioned it (which happened a lot when Leinart was going pro). Pay attention to the dates. He’s talked about Carroll to San Diego for several years.

Note, this is really long, but you can get a sense of it by just skimming the headlines if you want the quick gist.

POSTED 12:10 p.m. EST, LAST UPDATED 1:47 p.m. EST, January 11, 2004


Although USC coach Pete Carroll’s name has surfaced in the Oakland Raiders’ fruitless search for a new head coach, we’re hearing rumors that another AFC West team might have genuine designs on the head coach of the true national champions.

Chargers G.M. A.J. Smith announced last month that coach Marty Schottenheimer will return for his third season with the team. But, as we said at the time, we won’t believe it until we hear it from a member of the Spanos family.

And the Spanos clan still isn’t fully sold on Marty Ball, especially after the team has limped through the past two seasons — in the face of increasing expectations.

So with Carroll, who has coached (and been fired by) two other AFC teams (the Jets and the Pats), suddenly becoming the hottest head coaching prospect west of Louisiana, the Spanos family is intrigued about the possibility of swapping out Schottenheimer for Carroll.

Of course, the process would be far from simple, given the minority hiring guidelines. With each passing day, a decision to fire Schottenheimer would be met with greater speculation and/or skepticism regarding whether the Chargers already have their sights set on their new coach, which could make it hard to line up minority candidates.

Also, if the Chargers cut Marty loose and then can’t pry Carroll away from the Trojans, where would they turn? Sure, there would be options, but it’s hard to identify many candidates who give them a better chance at winning than if they venture forward with year three of the Schottenheimer experiment.

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Filed under The Media, USC

Mistaken identity results in record breaking $1.8 trillion Sun Belt Conference, AT&T, AOL-Time Warner merger

NEW ORLEANS – Both the NYSE and NASDAQ received boosts yesterday as unexpected news ushered in a close to the day’s trading: after mistaking the Sun Belt Conference for a telecommunications company, industry giants AT&T and AOL-Time Warner followed up their error by merging with the SBC in a $1.8 trillion dollar deal, the largest in history.

Above: two teams that are probably in the Sun Belt Conference.

“We are extraordinarily excited at the possibilities of this new partnership,” SBC commissioner Wright Waters said from his Popeye’s Chicken & Biscuits-based office on Canal Street.

“The universities and programs representing the SBC are institutions of excellence. Though we have little traditional history in telecommunications or mass media, we have always excelled at meeting challenges and exceeding expectations. We expect the best of ourselves, and we now have $1.8 trillion reasons to believe our expectations.”

Waters continued: “This is awesome. So awesome. Yes.

This deal is the first merger between multi-billion dollar corporations and a college football mid-major conference, with far reaching ramifications for both the telecommunications industry and the Bowl Championship Series. Though most experts were hesitant to predict any quarterly or fiscal year fluctuations resulting from the enormous merger, the mood was one of cautious confusion.

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Filed under Fake news, Recruiting, SBC, SEC

Jeff Tedford, World’s Greatest Lover: Valentine’s Day

By Jeff Tedford

Gentlemen. You know what tomorrow is. This coaching staff has spent far too many hours bombarding you with information about tomorrow; they’ve spent twice that many hours thinking about that same information, about how to get it to you, how to package it so you’ll understand the urgency of what just 24 hours will bring, about how to distill its essence, to – if you will – market tomorrow to you, today.

You know the importance. I don’t have to stress that, and I’ve never been one for speeches. Tomorrow is big enough by itself to get you motivated. There is nothing I can say or do to get you more mentally and spiritually ready for what you’re about to face. Instead, I simply want to reiterate what we’ve gone through. Not for your sake, gentlemen, but for my own. Because tomorrow you’ll go out and play your hearts out without a care in the world. I miss that. I’d give anything to be out there with you, fighting a common foe with my hands and my heart. No, tomorrow I’ll be on the sideline, and I’m the one who’ll need reminders about what needs to be done. By “sidelines” I mean special guest expert on Good Morning America, Oprah and the Colbert Report, but you know just as well as I do that they all mean the same thing anyway: I’m gonna be the guy who looks like he knows what he’s doing so other people can get the doing done. So I’m gonna remind myself right here in front of you, on the eve of battle, and you’re gonna listen and tell me what I’ve missed.

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Filed under Jeff Tedford, World's Greatest Lover, Pac-10

Minor delay

Life keeps popping up. Wah wah, says my Grecian chorus.

For the people who enjoy this blog, new stuff is coming. For the people who hate me, new stuff is coming. In the meantime…

If you are from Baton Rouge do not watch the above. Also, if you’re from Baton Rouge, ha-ha.

(Non-judgemental aside: yes, that banner on the podium says JESUS IS THE CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS. As Kurt Warner once said, Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah JE-sus, sign that LOI for Pete Carroll!)


Filed under Recruiting

Fucking USC signs another goddamned top-ranked recruiting class

LOS ANGELES, CA – The USC Dickwads capped their fifth straight double digit win season under head liar Pete Carroll by signing another goddamned ridiculous top-ranked recruiting class on National Letter of Intent to Sell Your Soul to the Condoms Day.

Sources say Carroll, above, uses the same methods for both cheerleaders and blue chip recruits: charm and Rohypnol.

Though the Florida Gators were ranked number one by both Scout and Rivals – two of the biggest recruiting services in the nation – media giant ESPN proclaimed USC’s class as tops. And that means validity for the attention starved and little known Trojans.

“Scout blah blah Rivals blah blah blah. We’re ESPN. [Rivals recruiting analyst] Jeremy Crabtree can lick my sack and grab me a danish, because what we say gets heard by a million people for each of their manic-obsessive recruiting freaks,” Scouts Inc. national director of recruiting Tom Luginbill said.

Luginbill continued: “The Trojans really added firepower offensively and defensively with running backs Joe McKnight and Marc Tyler, and defensive end Everson Griffen and linebacker Chris Galippo. We’re gonna go out on a limb and say that USC is going to be really good at football for the next few years.”

“You can’t stop watching ESPNU, can you you poor fuck? Today you are at my mercy. I laugh at the piecemeal destruction of your soul,” he added.

Louisiana State recruiting website Tiger Rag’s Matt DeVille was not surprised by ESPN’s ranking of Southern Cal’s recruiting class, noting that the list of gullible blue chip recruits foolish enough to sign with Sodom and Gomorrah looked “like a death row of our best, our brightest stars. Those poor fools.”

McKnight, a Louisiana native, chose the Trojans over LSU on signing day.

According to DeVille, “Carroll can lie like a greased up weasel in a corner. I’m talking those Pixar weasels, the really talkative ones. Add that to the knobcockery going on between ‘The Worldwide Leader in Sports’ and USC and you get a top-ranked recruiting class.'”

DeVille cited USC’s running back situation as evidence that the nation’s best recruits appear to be “on fucking crack and glue and illusions made of stupidity and cotton candy, goddamn shitass, what the fuck was McKnight thinking?”, adding that Carroll’s prowess at selling his program’s infernal temptations have damned more souls than all of Hollywood.

“Just think about it,” said DeVille. “You’ve got five star running backs like Stafon Johnson, CJ Gable, Allen Bradford. Add in four stars like Emmanuel Moody and Michael Coleman. And they sign the top two rated running backs in McKnight and Tyler? And another four star guy named Broderick Green? And their starter is probably going to be redshirt senior Chauncey Washington? Is Carroll telling these kids USC gets four balls on offensive plays now? Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They’re the same face! Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!”

NCAA officials confirmed that USC’s recruiting day haul makes them eligible for at least three more years of juvenile malpropisms, preserving the nation’s ability to refer to the Trojans as “SUC”, “Toejams”, “Condumbs” and “stupid shithead Gucci fucks”.


Filed under Fake news, Recruiting, SEC, The Media, USC

A break from the regularly scheduled tastelessness

Is tastelessness a word? Too many alveolar fricatives in one semantic unit.

I’ve been growing out my facial hair since USC lost to UCLA in the beginning of December. It’s just something I do: don’t shave from game one until whenever the Trojans lose, and once they do lose immediately begin a new beard on Sunday. A mourning beard. An Asian mourning beard, so a sparse mourning beard.

If USC advances to a bowl game and wins, I don’t shave until Signing Day. BCS title game? Not until the NFL Draft. So Signing Day it was!


I’ve also been growing my hair out. The European cities I was stuck in during the summer and fall did nay believe in providing a buzz at 5 units of currency. Now: I’ve been shaving my own head since I was 14, and I’d be damned if I was going to pay 15 euros to have someone else spend ten minutes on something I could do in five minutes, so grow it out I did. It was extremely weird having hair, and I looked forward to giving myself a mohawk and dyeing it cardinal and gold in anticipation of the Fiesta Bowl.


After the UCLA debacle and the Michigan stomping I set my sights on Feb. 7: National Letter of Intent day. This was set in stone. Diverging from the chosen path would result in horror upon horror and evil too evil to be described except by using a superfluous “evil”. Don’t mess with a streak, etc. etc.

I messed with the streak last Friday. This was me before…

Fear my intense googly eyed hairy stare.

This was me between…

I look like I know what I’m doing, I know.

And this is me now.

Gravity, meet thy doom.

Normally I’d reserve this post’s spot for something about recruiting. It is, after all, National Letter of Intent day, and USC is hauling in some good ones. I was all ready to do an epic fifteen page long David Foster Wallace imitation about a week spent on the recruiting trail with Pete Carroll. I had an entire footnote prepared about the kind of creepy Triumph of the Will vibe you get when recruits are cheered by an entire stadium/arena. I had footnotes on the footnotes about belly dancers at “official visit” dinners at the Papadakis Taverna. I planned to use made up mathematical formulas named after obscure G.I. Joe characters to illustrate the essential chaos of recruiting. Instead, this post is about me shaving my beard and giving myself a mohawk before the date I’m allowed to do so, a serious transgression of arbitrary but cruelly effective boundaries the mere thought of which make me twitch my thumb towards my mouth, feet already curling into fetal position. If you’ve ever met a sports-obsessed freak (or, more likely, if you are one), then you know that screwing with a streak is the surest way to screw with whatever semblance of balance you might have.

Why did I do this? Because Friday was the last day of chemotherapy for my older brother, and why the hell not? It’s a celebration, bitches. With mohawks. Mohawk. Whatever.

“And I’m Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, cancer.”


Filed under Miscellaneous, Recruiting

Hangin’ With Coker: Turn That Frown Upside Down

By Larry Coker

Hey there, folks. It’s Larry Coker.

Today I want to talk about optimism. I’m a firm believer that the glass is always half full, and that belief has impacted my life in so many positive ways. Whenever I check my email the first thing I’m thinking about is getting a letter from a wonderful new pen pal, not how much junk mail I’m gonna find. Just the other day I met someone from England who won the UK National Lottery and wanted to share it with me because we both had the same last name, except I guess the Welsh spelling of Coker is “McDonaugh”. He was looking to give something back to his family and there aren’t a lot of Coker/McDonaughs in the world. I did the same thing with part of the $2 million dollars I got from my 2005 contract renegotiations, so I know how good he must be feeling.

If I had approached that situation “knowing” that the only thing you get in your email account is junk then I seriously doubt that in three months time I’d be getting 15,000 British pounds. That’s a lot of money because the pound is worth more than the dollar. Thanks to my optimism I connected with a new relative and found funding for my movie. My outlook on life has opened so many corridors, and I’d like to share the hows and whys with you. What’s the first step? Easy, friend.

Turn that frown upside down.

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Filed under ACC, Hangin' With Coker