“You have 72 hours to give me the Genesis Device,” says Tressel to U.N., NCAA

Columbus, Ohio – Genetically engineered tyrant and Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel issued an ultimatum to the United Nations and the NCAA on Friday morning: give him the Genesis Device within 72 hours, or face his wrath. He also demanded unlimited football scholarships for Ohio State to be installed within a period of three years. The top ranked Buckeyes play the Florida Gators in the BCS title game on Jan. 8.

Tressel with his trademark vest and swarthy Asiatic musk.