COLUMBUS, OHIO – In anticipation of unchecked rioting following formerly top ranked Ohio State’s 41-14 loss to the University of Florida in the Tostitos BCS title game, local authorities have requested logistical aid from nearby Bartertown and its diumvirate, Master and Blaster.
Master, right, with Blaster.
Columbus mayor Michael B. Coleman stressed that these were only “precautionary measures”, noting that the city has avoided handing power over to the neighboring outpost “for almost more than three seasons now”. The two cities have existed in an uneasy relationship due to their close proximity to the area’s largest quarry of rocks and metal bits. There has also been an ongoing dispute over watering rights, specifically Larry’s well.
“Though we have had our differences in the past, Bartertown is a friend and an ally in our time of need. We welcome them with open arms,” said Coleman.
It appears the mayor has little choice. Though machete and shotgun wielding bandits have been a common sight in this part of Ohio for years, experts say the situation can only get worse after the Buckeyes were humiliated by Florida on national television. Within thirty minutes of the final play of the game heavily armed dune buggies, semi-trailer trucks and motorcycles ripped through downtown Columbus, shooting at one another in a desperate bid for gasoline and ammunition. Several police officers reported a gang of nearly forty mohawked, leather clad bikers taking up position in front of an all-night liquor store. The officers warned that the looters looked armed and “extremely Australian”.