Columbus, Ohio – Genetically engineered tyrant and Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel issued an ultimatum to the United Nations and the NCAA on Friday morning: give him the Genesis Device within 72 hours, or face his wrath. He also demanded unlimited football scholarships for Ohio State to be installed within a period of three years. The top ranked Buckeyes play the Florida Gators in the BCS title game on Jan. 8.
Tressel with his trademark vest and swarthy Asiatic musk.
The newly revealed Genesis Device is capable of terraforming an entire planet, transforming it into a habitable environment for humans. A group of scientists who worked on the secret project, led by Mississipi head coach Ed Orgeron, spoke out after Tressel’s message was beamed to the U.N. Security Council in San Francisco.
Said Orgeron: “The Genesis Device reforms matter into a form suitable for human habitation. But that process requires the area be reduced to its subatomic components, specifically its beta-intrinsic tau-leptons and positrons, meaning the Genesis Device must destroy before it can create. Giving such a thing to a madman like Tressel would be tantamount to aiding in our own genocide. As [Manhattan Project director Robert] Oppenheimer said after the succesful detonation of the first nuclear bomb, ‘Now I am become Death, destroyer of worlds’.”
“Additionally, unlimited footbaw scholarships would allow him to bring the college footbaw world to its knees. In an age of increased parity we must be wary of anything that returns us to the days of coaches hoarding resources. Tressel would turn America into one gigantic Glenville High,” Orgeron added, referring to the infamous Ohio State pipeline and alma mater of Ted Ginn, Jr. and Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith.
Orgeron then took off his shirt and smeared himself with catfish and a thick molasses-bourbon mixture, undulating wildly to the sounds of banjos made of sardine cans and twine.
Politicians around the world also voiced concern over Tressel’s newest demands.
“Given his track record of dominating all around him and then installing himself as dictator-for-life over large swaths of humanity it strikes me as inadvisable” outgoing U.N. president Kofi Annan said of whether the international organization should give in to the demands of the Buckeyes coach.
“Not to mention the fact that he seems to produce a ravenous gang of chain and nail-sprouting-plywood beam wielding defensive players every year. Every goddamned year. If that’s Tressel Ball, get me on his nuts. Now,” Annan added.
Despite almost unilateral apprehension, Tressel hinted in his message to the U.N. that his intentions were peaceful. He also stressed the charitable goals he had in mind.
“For too long have the wastes of Ohio lain dormant and populated only by the scourge of humanity: its misanthropic, its degenerates, its library masturbators. You will give me the Genesis Device, for I shall terraform this land. Columbus will at last be habitable,” Tressel said in the transmission.
Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr refused to believe the enigmatic supergenius’s claims.
“I’ve known Tressel for too long, and the entire time I’ve known him he’s shown himself to be nothing but cruel, hungry for power and hateful of all those who would stand in his way. He is a monster, and he must be stopped,” said Carr, who seemed to pause dramatically between each utterance.
Carr during his 42-39 loss to Ohio State in November.
“[Tressel] is a danger to every man, woman and child in the Alpha Quadrant and the state of Michigan. I’ve fought too many battles and seen too many friends gone to want more of this wretched war, but I will not rest until that despot is captured or dead,” Carr said moments before his Ann Arbor based offices were rocked by scarlet and grey colored phaser bank and photon torpedo attacks cunningly disguised as a friendly hail.
“KHAAAAAN!” added Carr, shaking his fist while attending to the inert form of defensive coordinator Ron English.
Though Tressel would later deny involvement in the incapacitation of English, many observers were suspicious after he seemed to slip during a follow up to his original demands: “Additionally, please do not be alarmed of my meticulous satellite mapping of the state of Michigan, its industrial facilities, its infrastructure, its blue chip recruits and so on and so forth. We are merely surveying for next year’s Ohio census. From Hell’s heart I stab at thee!”
“Wait. Scratch that last part,” he quickly added.