ATLANTA, GA – Taking his cue from a long precedent of movies, comic books, science fiction novels and other forms of popular media, Georgia Tech wide receiver Calvin Johnson traveled back in time on Thursday in order to prevent former U.S. President Abraham Lincoln’s assassination on April 14, 1865.
Johnson, 21, hoped to rewrite American history for the better, particularly in the area of racial equality. Along the way the junior pass catcher – considered by many NFL experts as a top ten prospect in the upcoming April draft – also hoped to remove the Georgia Institute of Technology from the space-time continuum, thereby avoiding three seasons of futility with the Yellow Jackets during the first half of the twenty-first century.
“I’ve always admired Lincoln,” Johnson said during Thursday’s press conference prior to his temporal voyage. “He was a great man, a great leader in a time of desperate need. That he should die a scant six months after his re-election always struck me as one of history’s crueler jokes.”
Continued Johnson: “Not as cruel a joke as [Georgia Tech quarterback] Reggie Ball ‘throwing’ to me, though.”
“Make sure you put ‘throwing’ in quotes,” he added.
Johnson took advantage of recent breakthroughs in the areas of transversable wormholes – a form of warped space-time compatible with the Einstein field equations – as well as the science of poorly throwing a football into the air so he could grab it, two subjects the pass catcher is well versed in.
According to the All-America wide receiver, time travel to the past is made possible by accelerating one end of a wormhole to nearly the speed of light and then bringing it back to the point of origin, producing what Johnson called “time dilation”.
“I knew that would work in theory. What really stumped me was finding matter with enough negative energy to begin the process. Well, it turns out we can churn out enough of that material by having ‘someone’,” Johnson said, emphasizing the last with pantomimed quotes, “throwing horribly aimed, wobbly fades and hoping I would catch it despite double, triple, even quadruple coverage.”
“The resulting catch creates a quantum irregularity, which I also have to catch. Luckily no one in a Georgia Tech uniform is throwing that quark to me.”
Johnson (#21) demonstrates the method for unbalanced wormhole promulgation.