Category Archives: The Media

Bowden fires eBay

TALLAHASSEE, FLA. – The online auction service eBay was fired yesterday by Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden, who cited a difference in philosophy as the main reason for the surprise termination.

Said Bowden: “We saw things a little bit differently, me an’ eBay. I’m more of an old school guy, and he wanted to do things I wasn’t comfortable with. And if there’s one doggone thing I’ve learned in thirty years of coachin’ it’s that you gotta steer with your own gut. I did that, and that’s why eBay’s got his papers.”

Bowden, above, angrily gestures for eBay’s immediate dadgum exit.

The announcement was unexpected given that eBay is a web-based auction house catering to millions of customers with a user-offered selection of collectibles, antiques, electronics, furniture and other miscellaneous items and services. The $4.55 billion earning company is also the owner of Skype and PayPal, two of the internet’s hottest properties. Though sports memorabilia are sold through eBay – many of them college football based and some of them probably having to do with the Seminoles – there wasn’t a direct connection between the NASDAQ traded internet company and Florida State until Bowden’s scathing critique of the treatment of his son and former FSU offensive coordinator Jeff Bowden, who resigned on Nov. 14.

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Clausen spermatozoa headline Rivals.com’s early look at Class of ’26 recruits

By Jeremy Crabtree, Rivals.com National Analyst and Editor

The 2007 National Letter of Intent Day is coming up soon, but Rivals.com is already looking ahead to the gridiron prep stars of the future. Our experts have broken down the situational film and the clinical data and they all have one thing to say: a Clausen will still be the king of high school football… in 2026.

In fact, because the Class of ’26 is nineteen years away the only viable candidates we’ve found so far turn out to be the 290 million spermatozoa of Jim Clausen, father of football stars Rick, Casey and Jimmy. The first two played for the Tennessee Volunteers, and Jimmy has already garnered Heisman buzz from other Clausen family members before he’s even taken a snap for the University of Notre Dame.

clausen_without_rivals.jpg

One of the estimated 290 million Clausen spermatozoa Rivals.com has picked to be the top recruit of 2026.

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“I am a being of pure energy here to save the world”

The above is a line from the promos being run for the 2007 Winter X Games, which are apparently some sort of sports competition involving snow and Mountain Dew.

I lie. I know what the Winter X Games are, and while I will watch any sport in any medium at any time of the day…

(Aside: sumo wrestling is incredibly underrated even as a popular sport to cite as being underrated. I manage to catch it on TV about twice a year and those two days are all the richer for it.)

… I feel that the above line of copy deserves a better sport. Namely, college football.

I have no problem with “I am a being of pure energy here to save the world” being used to describe Shaun White, whom I’m told has a bit of a problem with his nickname “The Flying Tomato”. He’s called that because he’s got red hair and is the goofiest looking Olympic gold medalist pretty much anyone has ever seen, and I revel in the juxtaposition of that same improbable celebrity with “I am a being of pure energy [and wild red hair] here to save the world”, but, beyond White, do the 2007 Winter X Games deserve such fine copywriting?

Not to say that “I am a being of pure energy here to save the world” is fine copywriting, even though that’s exactly what I did. But compared to the absolute shit ESPN and the rest have been dumping on us for years now I think it’s safe to say that if “I am a being of pure energy here to save the world” had been used during a montage of Calvin Johnson catches we would all collectively spermatize our pants. Because it’s true: Calvin Johnson is a being of pure energy, and he’s here to save the world. Just not Georgia Tech’s hopes for the ACC title.

Snowboarding the half pipe triple verty backside with a ringer flip might be difficult but it does not involve beings of pure energy capable of saving the world. Here are such beings…

First law of thermodynamics, meet thy doom.

You came here to save someone’s world. I’m just sorry it wasn’t mine.

That college football deserves something like “I am a being of pure energy here to save the world” is indisputable. It needs it.

To be honest with you, though, I’d settle for two sterling silver forks shooting out of the television straight into my eyes and into the brain, severing my body from my primary auditory cortex and dulling the inchoate pain of Big and Rich.

Who thought this would be a good idea? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg?

In closing, would a being of pure energy come save the world and shoot Big and Rich in their ci-taaaaay?

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Hey Jenny Slater knows who’s who when the revolution comes

Doug’s been keeping tabs, and with five immaculately devastaing posts he says to the college football world: “You know who you are.” You may not agree with the entirety of his list of the 50 Most Loathsome People in College Football (f’rinstance, Colin Cowherd ought to be classified as more loathsome than #35, and I don’t really care about the inclusion of the nearly autistic Georgia “fanatic” BuLLdawg at #39) (also, I just linked to the top ten so click around a bit for the rest), but you have to admire the thoroughness of this compilation. It feels right, mainly because while reading it you threw up a little bit. In your mouth.

Acid… reflux… incapacitating us…

I’m a fan of Doug. He writes with the proper mixture of frustration, outrage, glee, malice, what-the-fuck-was-that, joy and utter confusion that is the birth right of every college football fan. (See #8 on his list.) As I mentioned already, Doug is one of those up for a 2006 College Football Blogger Award. Three, actually.

Did I say I’m a fan of Doug? Doug can go to Hell, that primadonna.

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FCC fines NBC a record $250,000 for on-air fellatio of Notre Dame

SAN ANTONIO, TX – The Federal Communications Commission issued a record quarter million dollar fine to NBC for “egregious and graphic oral servicing of the University of Notre Dame” during a live telecast of the U.S. Army All-American Bowl, a prestigious high school all-star game which featured seventy-eight of the nation’s best prep school players. The FCC also recommended recruiting analyst Tom Lemming be waterboarded.

“Preferably with drain water from [Tennessee coach Phil] Fulmer’s shower, but we are in consultation,” FCC chairman Kevin Martin said. “Phil has given his full support. He’s promised that if we need him to, he’d use gravy instead of soap. He actually seemed kind of eager.”

Lemming, above, pleads for more Fighting Irish phallus

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Survey reveals many consider Notre Dame the Yankees of playing like shit

Glendale, Arizona – A recent survey conducted by USA Today showed that nearly eighty-five percent of respondents agreed with the statement that “the University of Notre Dame Fighting Irish are the New York Yankees of getting their asses kicked on national television.”

“Mostly on NBC thanks to their exclusive contract, but as the [Jan. 3] Sugar Bowl demonstrated Notre Dame football is comfortable being humiliated on FOX,” University of Wisconsin professor Willard Bynum said. “They are extremely versatile.”

The Fighting Irish are well known for their perseverance in the face of victory.

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Notre Dame objects to ESPN billing of Sugar Bowl as “Catholics vs. Competent Football Players”

Bristol, Connecticut – University of Notre Dame president Rev. John Jenkins held a press conference yesterday in which he vigorously objected to ESPN’s branding of the upcoming Sugar Bowl between the Fighting Irish and the Louisiana State Tigers as “Catholics vs. Competent Football Players”.

Friends described Jenkins, above, as “steaming fucking mad” regarding ESPN’s advertising of the Sugar Bowl.

A highly anticipated 1988 game between Notre Dame and the Miami Hurricanes was billed as “Catholics vs. Convicts”, with the often controversial Miami program seen as the “Convicts”. Notre Dame won that game 31-30 after ‘Cane head coach Jimmy Johnson elected to go for a two-point conversion which failed, ending Miami’s winning streak. The Irish would go on to win the national championship.

“We object to ESPN’s characterization of the Sugar Bowl. The 1988 characterization was itself offensive, but even more offensive is the idea of comparing that team to our present one. Frankly, I’m appalled. The ’88 squad had offensive talent just like today’s, with players like Tony Rice, Rocket Ismail and Rickey Watters. But they also had defense with guys like linebacker Michael Stonebreaker, defensive end Frank Stams and nose tackle Chris Zorich. Defense! Think of that! Defense wins championships! Who would’ve thought? Jesus fucking Christ,” Jenkins said.

“Sorry,” he added, staring upwards.

“Sorry we don’t have a better football team in Your name, that is,” he would later add after a long pause.

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Godzilla-Mothra undercard on hold in Columbus; sources say giant radioactive lizard wants more money, GameDay segment

Columbus, Ohio – Sources report that representatives between Godzilla, King of All Monsters, and his prospective opponent Mothra cannot come to an agreement regarding their Nov. 18 $11.3 million purse earnings. The two were scheduled to fight as the undercard for top ranked Ohio State’s clash against number two ranked Michigan later that day.

Godzilla training for his exhibition fight in September.

“The fact is that ‘Godzilla’ is a household name around the world. We’re the ones bringing the appeal to this match, and we should receive a share reflecting that,” Godzilla spokesmonster Minilla said in response to reporters’ questions on Monday night. Minilla – son of the atomic ray breathing giant – has represented his father since the latter’s 1972 WBC title defense against Gigan.

“We regret any impact this may have on Michigan’s truly epic showdown with the Buckeyes, but we cannot proceed under the current circumstances,” Minilla continued.

“RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRR!” added the dorsal finned Godzilla.

Mothra could not be reached as of press time.

The two city destroying forces of entropy haven’t met since their 1998 rematch, widely regarded by many as the high point of monster fighting’s twilight years. Many insiders had hoped the excitement generated by Saturday’s football game between the two highest ranked teams in the nation would help invigorate the failing sport.

“Frankly, it doesn’t get any better than number one versus number two,” ESPN College GameDay host Lee Corso said. “The winner of this game is virtually guaranteed a spot in the BCS Championship Game [in the Fiesta Bowl] and the loser could very well see a rematch. The nation’s greatest rivalry for the highest stakes at a packed Horseshoe: that’s college football, baby!”

Sticking to the show’s tradition Corso then placed a Mechagodzilla mask on his head.

“The Mech’s got too many offensive weapons. I see the metal lug winning this one by two touchdowns! It’s not even gonna be close or else my middle name ain’t ‘Paprika’!” Corso said.

According to sources close to both monsters another factor impacting the Atomic Age icon’s withdrawal from Saturday’s bout was his desire for a two minute long College GameDay segment. Executives at ESPN’s Bristol, Conn. headquarters deny any involvement and maintain they were never approached by Minilla or any other Godzilla representative.

“This is just one of those messageboard things,” ESPN Executive Vice-President of Sales and Marketing Sean Bratches said Monday night.

Big Ten officials have not issued any official statements. Sources close to conference commisioner James E. Delany report that several other undercard matchups are possible, with King Kong “likely” to replace Godzilla at this point.

According to one highly ranked Big Ten official who wished to remain anonymous, King Kong was “extremely interested” in fighting at Columbus.

“[Kong]’s mulling the offer over with his people. He doesn’t need the money but he realizes that it’d be beneficial to him if he branched out into the Japanese/Midwest market. Plus, who wouldn’t want free tickets to The Game?” the unnamed source said.

Kong, whose only battle with a Nipponese based creature came against Godzilla in 1962 at Tokyo’s then state-of-the-art Carrier Dome, would not comment on the rumors.

Ohio State University president Karen A. Holbrook stressed that the undercard uncertainty, and even the possibility of no undercard fight at all, would have no impact on the following football game.

“It’s unfortunate this is happening at such a late stage but we’re unconcerned. Science defying giant monsters fighting to the death are always exciting, but how often have we seen an undefeated Michigan team coming to town to take on our number one Buckeyes? We all know what time the main event is occuring, and it’s at 3:30 P.M. Eastern,” Holbrook said.

“Besides, Columbus is getting destroyed one way or another. Joyous rioting, angry rioting, unnaturally huge prehistoric tail lashings… it all works out in the end.”

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Urban Meyer introduces new “leave before Chris Leak gets on the bus” offense

Gainesville, Fla. – After months of speculation, University of Florida head football coach Urban Meyer unveiled the newest iteration of the spread option offense he helped popularize at Bowling Green and Utah: next season the Gators will depart for games before senior quarterback Chris Leak can get on the team bus.

“Nothing is set in stone, but for right now that’s our game plan,” Meyer said.

“We still have a lot of kinks to work out, such as what happens when we’re flying to an away game? Even if we manage to leave Chris behind he could always drive himself to the airport. Luckily [offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach] Dan Mullen likes to think ahead: there’s always the bus at the airport that we can use to leave #12 behind.”

“We can’t really call it the ‘leave before Chris Leak gets on the bus to or from the airplane or stadium’ offense, though. [Athletic director] Jeremy Foley was definitely against that one. I guess it doesn’t print well on T-shirts.”

Meyer, right, points out to offensive coordinator Dan Mullen exactly who the Gators won’t be waiting for to get on the bus.

Despite throwing for 8,271 yards and 65 touchdowns in three years – with a quarterback rating of 138.13 – Leak, 21, has been written off by many Florida fans as well as college football pundits and analysts across the nation. The Charlotte, N.C. born quarterback has been a popular pre- and early season Heisman favorite ever since taking over the starting job in his freshman year. Though he has considerable name recognition and plays in one of the more visible programs in the nation, Leak has never garnered an invitation to the New York City ceremony. That, coupled with Florida’s 22-11 record with Leak as a starter, has caused many who follow college football to dismiss Leak before the new season has even begun.

“Certainly, we took [the perception of Leak] into consideration when we were drawing this stuff up. In the eyes of a lot of people Chris is practically a ghost: he doesn’t register, and no matter what he does he just won’t ever live up to their expectations of him. In this new offense, he really is a ghost. If it seemed like he was never really there before, he’ll definitely won’t be there now,” Meyer said.

“I love the kid, so this is obviously the best way. If we can keep up the illusion that we just keep forgetting to wait for him before every game it’ll make things a lot easier for everyone involved. I’m asking that you guys in the media help out with this. You’re creative, so think of a couple of good excuses like switching to daylight savings time or something. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I also don’t want to win seventy-five percent of my games again. Ugh.”

The second year head coach was referring to last season’s 9-3 campaign, in which Leak, a classic pocket passer with a relatively light frame, was unable to truly fit into the spread option attack. Meyer’s previous stints as head coach included impressive turnarounds of moribund football programs in Bowling Green and Utah utilizing a scheme which incorporated classic option elements with a high percentage short passing attack. Leak was completely unfamiliar with the ground based portion of the offense, and it showed in the thirty-two sacks he took in 2005; more than that, however, was a feeling that the former blue chip recruit would never truly fit into a scheme that was the new coach’s strongest selling point. Things came to a head in a 30-22 loss to South Carolina, which was led by former Florida head coach Steve Spurrier.

“Easily the most devastating event of my life,” lifelong Gator fan Greg Heinrich said.

“Imagine you’re one of the Jews following Moses through the desert. For years and years you march behind the guy, knowing that in the end he’ll deliver you to the promised land, which he does: the 1996 national championship. That’s all gravy until a decade later he shows up again with a squadron of Egyptian charioteers and mows you and your goats down. And he’s grinnin’ the whole time. That’s how that felt. Chris is a helluva player, and he’s a damn fine person, but man… every Gator fan knew what was comin’. I appreciate what he’s done for us, which is why I say he should never take a snap in a Florida uniform ever again. Tebow in ’06!”

Heinrich was referring to Tim Tebow, a highly recruited prep quarterback out of Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. The 6’3″, 220 lbs. Tebow committed to the Gators over Alabama, USC, Michigan and LSU in a nationally televised announcement marked by a total eclipse of the sun and a two week long state wide holiday characterized by many as “atavistic” and “grossly inhuman”. Excited Gators fans have noted that the prep signal caller excelled in an option system at Nease High School – as evident by his impressive performance in Florida’s annual spring game – and that Tebow has thighs the size of redwood trunks.

“Tim Tebow’s arm is made of granite and he can throw a football from Gainesville all the way to Colorado. He could probably make it all the way to California, but he’d keep it short so there’s enough velocity left over to penetrate into NORAD. In a high school game I heard he once killed six defenders on one play by running them over. He pitched the ball in the end so his running back could get the score,” Heinrich said.

“Again, I love Leak and everything he’s done for Florida, but it’s high time we start a teenager not named Leak. Tebow is that teenager. Even his name sounds awesome: Te-bow. “The Bow”. Like he’s this weapon of medieval destruction, which he is. That kid probably shits Heisman trophies.”

Though Meyer has denied the Colossus of Rhodes-like freshman quarterback was the reason for the switch in offensive philosophies, most analysts agree that the presence of Tebow was a major factor. They point out that Tebow seems to be a perfect fit for the spread option, as well as the fact that Gainesville residents have already erected a tent city around a statue made of Fierce Melon and Fierce Wild Berry Gatorade bottles in the image of the high school recruit.

“One of the bigger storylines of the 2006 college football season was how Leak, Meyer and Tebow would mesh in the second year of the spread offense. Well, Meyer has answered that question: scratch Leak off that list. You don’t even have to pencil in Tebow, because Meyer seems committed to a Leak-less season. I’m confident that Florida will stick to its plan and start a rooster under center if need be, but Chris Leak will not be seeing the inside of a team bus anytime soon, let alone The Swamp,” ESPN College Game Day host Lee Corso noted.

“Now I don’t know about you, but that spells P-E-S-T-O in my book! Who wants some human skulls? I like Thursdays because of the lint!” Corso said before being dragged back into his off-season cage.

Florida psychology professor Candace Lee said that situations like Leak’s are very common.

“People always want something better. It’s cliched, but the general feeling is that the grass really is greener on the other side. It’s difficult to explain to them that just because something is new doesn’t mean it’s better, and that sometimes that newness contributes to that very aura of being better. Plus, some people just don’t get that [Leak]’s won in Jacksonville and Tallahassee. He’s led the team to three straight bowl games, and he’s got a laser for an arm. Now they don’t even wanna let him ride to the stadium with them? It’s a classic lack of reality apprehension,” Lee said.

“Having said that, though, I hear this Tebow guy eats lightnin’ and craps thunder. Literally. I’d pay to see that, especially if it means Tennessee gets shit stomped.”

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