Category Archives: Notre Dame

Recruitingasm ’07: Faked it.

I tried to tell former USC offensive line recruit and current Florida commit James Wilson that communication was the foundation to any strong relationship. I really did. He shrugged it off as if my point was so obvious it didn’t even need exposition, assured me his word was as strong as oak and then proceeded to flatten my poor heart by switching to the Gators today.

Yesterday. Whatever. Point is: boo.

Wilson is a road grader and a consensus five star linemen with both Scout and Rivals. He’s also from Florida. It’s tough to lure a kid away from his momma (sources say mother Wilson wanted him close to home, and who could blame her?) and the hometown champs, but it’s even tougher when that kid is 6’5″, 305 lbs. of snarling man-sled. Because then he can beat you senseless if you tell him he’s doing the wrong thing, and what was that about strong as oak?

Apparently the cracks started appearing when Wilson was in San Antonio for the Army All-American game, where by all accounts he had a great week of practicing and playing. The place was littered with USC recruits so I know he was surrounded by sensible people. Mayhaps he might have witnessed something unsavory there that unsettled him a bit? Though I’ve no idea why Notre Dame’s crude display of knobbery would have weakened Wilson’s resolve to head west, I will take this time to nonetheless blame the Irish for all my misery.

I can’t really be all that mad at Wilson. During their contemporaneous playing days at Nease High, he blocked for fellow man-sled Tim Tebow, the quarterback/hammer set to lead Florida to wherever the hell Florida’s going. Tebow’s dad’s his pastor, apparently. And that whole want-to-be-close-to-the-family thing, I guess that’s okay. But it still stings lemony-fresh.

This marks the umpteenth time in two years that USC has struck out on sun eclipsing offensive linemen from out of state: Andre Smith (Alabama), Stephen Schilling (Washington), Sam Young (Florida), Anthony Davis (New Jersey), etc. Every single one of these kids, with the slight exception of Young, looked like very good bets to head to Los Angeles. Every single one of them left me clenching my spleen in agony.

It appears the Trojans are aiming for a home run (yes, I hate that metaphor too but I’m feeling lazy and bitter right now) whenever they venture out of state for the big uglies, and in the process they may have lost focus on some in-state gems. Case in point: Matt Summers-Gavin, who many thought would be a sure thing in cardinal and gold after fine showings during the recruiting camp circuit.

Is this going to mean that USC won’t claim its fifth consecutive recruiting title? No, the Trojans’ll do that. But the EA Sports NCAA Football fanatic in me wants them all, and anything less means my childish need for pure and utter domination goes unsated.


Filed under Notre Dame, Recruiting, SEC, USC

Clausen spermatozoa headline’s early look at Class of ’26 recruits

By Jeremy Crabtree, National Analyst and Editor

The 2007 National Letter of Intent Day is coming up soon, but is already looking ahead to the gridiron prep stars of the future. Our experts have broken down the situational film and the clinical data and they all have one thing to say: a Clausen will still be the king of high school football… in 2026.

In fact, because the Class of ’26 is nineteen years away the only viable candidates we’ve found so far turn out to be the 290 million spermatozoa of Jim Clausen, father of football stars Rick, Casey and Jimmy. The first two played for the Tennessee Volunteers, and Jimmy has already garnered Heisman buzz from other Clausen family members before he’s even taken a snap for the University of Notre Dame.


One of the estimated 290 million Clausen spermatozoa has picked to be the top recruit of 2026.

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Filed under ACC, Big Ten, Big XII, Fake news, Notre Dame, Recruiting, SEC, The Media, USC

Hey Jenny Slater knows who’s who when the revolution comes

Doug’s been keeping tabs, and with five immaculately devastaing posts he says to the college football world: “You know who you are.” You may not agree with the entirety of his list of the 50 Most Loathsome People in College Football (f’rinstance, Colin Cowherd ought to be classified as more loathsome than #35, and I don’t really care about the inclusion of the nearly autistic Georgia “fanatic” BuLLdawg at #39) (also, I just linked to the top ten so click around a bit for the rest), but you have to admire the thoroughness of this compilation. It feels right, mainly because while reading it you threw up a little bit. In your mouth.

Acid… reflux… incapacitating us…

I’m a fan of Doug. He writes with the proper mixture of frustration, outrage, glee, malice, what-the-fuck-was-that, joy and utter confusion that is the birth right of every college football fan. (See #8 on his list.) As I mentioned already, Doug is one of those up for a 2006 College Football Blogger Award. Three, actually.

Did I say I’m a fan of Doug? Doug can go to Hell, that primadonna.


Filed under ACC, BCS, Big East, Big Ten, Big XII, C-USA, MAC, MWC, NCAA, Notre Dame, Pac-10, Recruiting, SBC, SEC, The Media, USC, WAC

FCC fines NBC a record $250,000 for on-air fellatio of Notre Dame

SAN ANTONIO, TX – The Federal Communications Commission issued a record quarter million dollar fine to NBC for “egregious and graphic oral servicing of the University of Notre Dame” during a live telecast of the U.S. Army All-American Bowl, a prestigious high school all-star game which featured seventy-eight of the nation’s best prep school players. The FCC also recommended recruiting analyst Tom Lemming be waterboarded.

“Preferably with drain water from [Tennessee coach Phil] Fulmer’s shower, but we are in consultation,” FCC chairman Kevin Martin said. “Phil has given his full support. He’s promised that if we need him to, he’d use gravy instead of soap. He actually seemed kind of eager.”

Lemming, above, pleads for more Fighting Irish phallus

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Survey reveals many consider Notre Dame the Yankees of playing like shit

Glendale, Arizona – A recent survey conducted by USA Today showed that nearly eighty-five percent of respondents agreed with the statement that “the University of Notre Dame Fighting Irish are the New York Yankees of getting their asses kicked on national television.”

“Mostly on NBC thanks to their exclusive contract, but as the [Jan. 3] Sugar Bowl demonstrated Notre Dame football is comfortable being humiliated on FOX,” University of Wisconsin professor Willard Bynum said. “They are extremely versatile.”

The Fighting Irish are well known for their perseverance in the face of victory.

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Filed under Fake news, Notre Dame, The Media

Notre Dame objects to ESPN billing of Sugar Bowl as “Catholics vs. Competent Football Players”

Bristol, Connecticut – University of Notre Dame president Rev. John Jenkins held a press conference yesterday in which he vigorously objected to ESPN’s branding of the upcoming Sugar Bowl between the Fighting Irish and the Louisiana State Tigers as “Catholics vs. Competent Football Players”.

Friends described Jenkins, above, as “steaming fucking mad” regarding ESPN’s advertising of the Sugar Bowl.

A highly anticipated 1988 game between Notre Dame and the Miami Hurricanes was billed as “Catholics vs. Convicts”, with the often controversial Miami program seen as the “Convicts”. Notre Dame won that game 31-30 after ‘Cane head coach Jimmy Johnson elected to go for a two-point conversion which failed, ending Miami’s winning streak. The Irish would go on to win the national championship.

“We object to ESPN’s characterization of the Sugar Bowl. The 1988 characterization was itself offensive, but even more offensive is the idea of comparing that team to our present one. Frankly, I’m appalled. The ’88 squad had offensive talent just like today’s, with players like Tony Rice, Rocket Ismail and Rickey Watters. But they also had defense with guys like linebacker Michael Stonebreaker, defensive end Frank Stams and nose tackle Chris Zorich. Defense! Think of that! Defense wins championships! Who would’ve thought? Jesus fucking Christ,” Jenkins said.

“Sorry,” he added, staring upwards.

“Sorry we don’t have a better football team in Your name, that is,” he would later add after a long pause.

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The First Annual Creedies

There are a number of All-American lists out there. They usually put the people with the best stats and highest name recognition on these lists. For offensive linemen, they use the latter. These lists are recognized and recorded by the schools involved. This is not one of those.

My favorite character from the American version of The Office is Creed. It’s not even close, frankly. I like Michael and Dwight and Kevin but Creed is Creed. Unfortunately, no one else seems to agree with me. Everyone’s enamoured with Jim’s eyebrows and his new love interest and blah blah blah. While it’s true that the absolute funniest peak of the show was dinkin’ flicka, I live for Creed moments. More relevantly, I believe Creed is fully under appreciated. Thus, this is a list of those players I have seen with my own eyes who are not getting enough recognition for their fine contributions. And, like Creed, it’s possible these players are “not offended by homosexuality. In the [90s they] made love to many, many women – often outdoors in the mud and the rain – and it’s possible that a man slipped in. There’d be no way of knowing….”

Creed knows all. Except Pam. Who the hell is Pam?

One note: every single one of my defensive picks either play for the Trojans or have played against them. This is inevitable; I tend to pay attention to defensive players mainly when they’re directly opposed to USC. Offensive players are easier to spot due to highlights and mind boggling stats. This is reflected in the fact that four of my offensive picks have never suited up against USC. I have seen every single one of these players or units in action this season.

The First Annual Creedies

Derek Landri, senior DT, Notre Dame – Way to start this list off with a bang: pick a blah player from the nation’s most overrated team whose chief sin is fielding a non-existant defense that didn’t even look good against the Daytona Beach Coast Guard Night School. I would agree with you on every facet – Tom Zibkowski is not a good safety the way I am not a good safety (though he does have a terrific knack for getting a hold of the ball and putting it into the endzone), Victor Abiamiri likes to apply his lips to the testicles of the offspring of donkeys, etc. – except that I think Landri is just amazing. I hesitate to use that buzz word applied to mid-rounders who inevitably die off at the next level but were the darlings of their college fanbases, but Landri really does have a non-stop motor. I’ve never gone so far as to obtain and then break down game tape, but I’m fairly certain Landri grades out at a very high percentage rate in terms of positive plays. I don’t really remember him getting blown off the ball against ‘SC – a common experience for even the most highly touted defensive tackles – and I do recall cussing, with the regularity and color of a syphilitic sailor, his ability to maintain his gap and even get into the backfield once in a while. More than that I always got a distinct sense that I’d like to have Landri on my team, which seems like a good barometer for these kinds of list. He’s a player I’ve always liked, and I’ve enjoyed USC kicking his team’s ass over and over again, and neither of those two are mutually exclusive. Continue reading

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Filed under ACC, Big East, Big Ten, Big XII, C-USA, Notre Dame, Pac-10, The Creedies

50 reasons why you should be rootin’ for a Notre Dame loss on Nov. 25

We all love lists. They’re convenient, focused and authoritative; nothing says “Hah! I have more time, resources, inclination and less of a life than you, and to prove it I’ve constructed this numerically heirarched bullet pointed talking point sheet to indicate such” than a list. We also all love hating Notre Dame. Thus concludes the obligatorily obvious introduction which causes you to wonder why you put down $65.99 worth of plastic for a regurgitated fifth edition textbook that only has two grammar changes and a reorganized index to justify the new iteration.

And how.

Luckily for you all this blog is still wondrously free until I figure out how to scan your fingerprints and sell them to the NSA. Until that day, I am going to continue to produce scathingly obvious shit at a momentous rate. Maybe not as obvious as the following…

… but pretty damn obvious. In honor of it being USC-ND week, I present 50 reasons why you should be rootin’ for a Notre Dame loss on Nov. 25. Note that I’m not idiotic enough to persuade anyone to pull for USC: I’ve been a USC fan for a while and I’m not even sure if I like USC fans all that much. I also realize many of you might be pulling for a localized thunderquake/firestorm/Galactus tube strike to hit the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum on Saturday. Too fuckin’ bad. There’s no such thing as a thunderquake, I’ve talked to my military contacts and they haven’t reported any Dresden-like incendiary carpet bombings about to take place, and I just renewed my Costco membership specifically to stock up on Ultimate Nullifiers.

This and a ten gallon barrel of ketchup will save your local planetoid from utter destruction.

So, on with the list.


50. Your son or daughter could get cut on Jeff Samardzija‘s face.

Angular? Sharp? Reticulated…? Wait, what does ‘reticulated’ mean? It has something to do with giraffes, right? Right? Ohmygod. Where’s little Bobby? BOBBY? Ohmygod.

49. The Fighting Irish have averaged an impressive 33.2 points per game, but they’ve also averaged an ungainly 4.3 Al Qaeda operatives trained per week.

48. The school’s name is continuously mispronounced NO-der DAYmh when the original French pronunciation of UNC-tu-ous BAS-tion of un-EARNED ARR-o-gance is preferred by both linguists and architects.

47. After the North Dakota Fighting Sioux famously sued the NCAA in defense of its nickname, the Fighting Irish decided to sue USC for not being a military academy.

46. This man.

Spit guard, we hardly knew ye.

45. An anagram of Notre Dame is Rote Damen, which is German for “red ladies”. This was one of the codewords used by South Bend Nazi sympathizers in their quest to supply the SS with information regarding Allied nylon production during the Second World War.

44. Pop singer Michael Bolton is a Fighting Irish supporter.

“There was nothing wrong with my name… until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent assclown became famous and started liking those no-talent assclowns.”

43. Tom Lemming is rooting for Notre Dame. While no one should ever be penalized for bagging on Florida State, Lemming is a douche whose douche-ness exceeds your average Seminole brouhaha by several magnitudes. His inclusion automatically brokers Bizarro Superman behavior from the rest of us: whatever Lemming likes, you should dislike. Lemming likes Notre Dame. Dame Notre you not not not like.

42. Fighting Irish cupcakes call for Splenda, and no one likes Splenda. Or the Fighting Irish.

41. Rhema McKnight hugs little childern inappropriately.

40. Tom Zbikowski eats little children inappropriately.

39. Darius Walker can’t outrun little children even with an inappropriate head start.

38. Joe Theisman allowed his name to be rhymed with Heisman instead of its usual pronunciation of THEEZ-man as a shameless promotional gimmick for the 1970 stiff-armed statue race, which he promptly lost. He has retained said pronunciation. Also, he is a voracious cannibal.

37. Notre Dame athletic director Kevin White refuses to pleasure his wife.

36. Recent archaeological findings indicate the Golden Dome is actually a gateway to the Infernal City of Dis.

35. If you multiply the square root of Brady Quinn‘s passing yardage by the average length of Notre Dame Stadium’s grass and then divide by x, x being any number greater than the actual number of tolerable Irish fans, you get 26. There are 26 letters in the English alphabet. Using three of those letters once and one of those letters twice you can spell S-A-T-A-N. Think about it.

34. Taking this math thing further, if you cube the number of national championships Notre Dame claims and divide by the number of Fighting Irish Heisman Trophy winners not-named-Tim-Brown who don’t suck, you get ERRO. That’s because you can’t divide by zero. And your thumb is on your calculator’s solar panel.

33. One last ‘rithmetic: Charlie Weis is fat. 2+2=4. These are the two mathematical truths with which Socrates could have reconstructed the entire universe.

32. Jimmy Clausen is gonna be a Domer.

There is a Division XI in college football, Jimmy. They’re called the service academies. Unfortunately you don’t get a ring for beating them, you just get your ass kicked when you play someone with a pulse. Nice hair, by the way.

31. Former Zairean – now the Democratic Republic of the Congo – strongman Mobutu Sese Seko wore a customized green jersey during Notre Dame’s 28-35 loss to Georgia Tech in the 1999 Gator Bowl. Unbeknownst to the then President of Zaire, his name change from Joseph-Désiré Mobutu to Mobutu Sese Seko Kuku Ngbendu Wa Za Banga (“The all-powerful warrior who, because of his endurance and inflexible will to win, will go from conquest to conquest, leaving fire in his wake only to cheer for a team that can’t win its bowl game”) would presage many years of postseason disappointment for the Irish.

30. Zombie Ron Powlus is comin’ back from beyond the football grave to claim his long overdue three Heismans.

Remember: ward off zombie Ron Powluses with crowbars and Beano Cook pictures.

29. Touchdown Jesus is kitsch, yeah, but maybe a little bit too kitsch.

28. John Basedow has a Brady Quinn poster.

Brosephs forever, man.

27. John Basedow’s Brady Quinn poster makes you uncomfortable for reasons you’d don’t want to explain.

26. Ted Kaczynski’s favorite movie is Rudy. His favorite color is gold. His favorite play is Trips Right 82 Media Whore.

25. Charlie Weis claims he invented the calculus before Leibniz and Newton, and he’s got the Super Bowl rings to prove it.

He’d show you his bling, but this particular ring was emulsified by finger fat back in April.

24. Victor Abiamiri can’t seem to choose between Crate and Barrel’s charcoal Simone daybed or the Pottery Barn’s Greenwich sofa with the dual ottomans, but he does know it’s time to update his holiday centerpieces.

23. Chinedum Ndukwe is a registered Scientologist and he’d like to know if any preclears would like their E-meter readings, because you never know when Xenu might be around.

Ndukwe knows science when he sees it.

22. Derek Landri hates America.

21. Terrail Lambert has denigrated novelist Kurt Vonnegut in multiple literary journals and reviews, paying particular attention to the author’s highly personal account of his sister in the widely panned Slapstick (1976) and dismissing Vonnegut’s Breakfast of Champions (1973) and Timequake (1997) as “churlish solipism” and “narcissistic misogyny” while completely glossing over the highly regarded Slaughterhouse-Five (1969) and Cat’s Cradle (1963). He went so far as to describe Vonnegut’s short fiction, correspondence and speech collection Welcome to the Monkey House and Palm Sunday as “gaseous self-importance and sophistry masked as everyman wisdom” and wrote that Vonnegut “believes writing is an exercise in blatant and unregarded stupidity, mistaking simplicity for profundity.” After Lambert’s Winter 2005 anti-Vonnegut invective in the American Quarterly Review many have called for a public apology; Lambert has thus far refused.

20. Sam Young came up with Jean Grey‘s codename.

19. Jerry Bruckheimer is rumored to be producing a joint Uwe Boll/Michael Bay film starring the Wayans brothers. The project is tentatively titled “We Are Notre Dame” and is centered around America’s most famous football program’s national championship winning 2005 season: its trials, its tribulations, its NBC live feed problems. Tara Reid will co-star.

18. The Grotto was recently exposed as a front for a chunky wife swap ring spanning three continents sponsored by the Catholic Church and Dinty Moore.

17. Mounting evidence points to Notre Dame’s Four Horsemen not being Famine, Pestilience, War and Death but, rather, Harry Stuhldreher, Don Miller, Jim Crowley, and Elmer Layden. Also, the four were not destined to appear as heralds of the end times but were instead seen as emblems of a time when now antiquated powerhouses could collect national championships using a backfield called the Four Horsemen, none of whom weighed more than 162 pounds and all of whom connotated boiling cabbage more than they evoked Armageddon.

Emblems of leather helmeted revelance and the power of a persuasive press: feel the apocalyptic burn.

16. The Notre Dame subway alumni – infamous for ignorance, obnoxiousness and the fickle nature of their loyalty and the origin of their fandom – do not have cellular walls.

15. Fighting Irish telecasts contain trans-fats, carbs, coconut oil, egg yolk, aspartame, MSG, nicotine and asbestos, and are transmitted directly into your child’s pineal gland.

14. Because the Irish refuse to join the Big Ten we are all denied a chance to see what that conference would do with twelve members. Stay Big Ten? Dare the wrath of the already existing Big XII by going to Big Twelve? Shortening to the simple but effective Big? Eschewing needless trappings and naming self what we all knew ought to be the name to have begun with: It’s Cold and We Like Booze and Oblong Pig Bladders? Sadly, we’ll never know.

13. The Notre Dame athletic department can be directly linked to the downfall of each of the following American institutions: marriage, Hungry Hungry Hippos, talking with your family at dinner, wholesomeness, NBC, loyalty amongst dogs, and The Simpsons.

N’Sync? The Simpsons? Thank you, Fighting Irish. Thanks a fucking lot.

12. Chris Frome doesn’t let his steaks rest after cooking.

11. Bob Morton uses button mushrooms, iceberg lettuce, yellow mustard, Morton’s iodized salt and velveeta cheese.

10. Ryan Harris once pooped in an elevator and told no one, allowing Walter Treverson of Terre Haute to be blamed by several young women visiting from Decatur, Illinois.

9. Mike Richardson is a direct descendant of Ephialtes of Trachis, betrayer of the Spartan king Leonidas at the Battle of Thermopylae.

8. Jeff Samardzija used to totally zergling rush even when “NO RUSH!!!1” was explicitly stated.

d0od jef so nt kewl!

7. Tom Zbikowski believes not only in Cuts, but in Butts as well as Coconuts.

6. Brady Quinn does not refill the office coffee pot when he’s the one to finish it off. Also, he’s a serial killer.

5. Notre Dame – the Yankees of college football – owns a 13-14 record in bowls and during several of ND’s national championship years the Irish did not participate in a postseason game. The Golden Domers, however, are the proud owners of a 69-9-1 record against the Navy Midshipmen whom they profess to play out of respect after the service academies scheduled the Irish during their lean years. This is not made up.

4. Ara Parseghian introduced Yoko Ono to John Lennon in 1966.

Don’t worry your silly little head, Ara: it’s not like the Beatles were that good anyway.

3. The Associated Press recently broke a story centered around a leaked ESPN memo in which the Bristol, Conn. based media syndicate stressed world domination through the will-destroying repetition of the following cliched headlines: Luck o’ the Irish, Weis Guys, Waking Up the Echoes, The Mighty Quinn, Golden Era, Charlie and the Touchdown Factory, etc.

2. The Fighting Irish totally meant to call you but, like, lost your number.

1. Notre Dame sucks.

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Pete Carroll frozen in carbonite; QB Clausen commits to Notre Dame, Hutt syndicate

Carroll (54-10 in five years) encased in carbonite.
Mos Eisley, Tatooine – As a result of University of Southern California head football coach Pete Carroll being frozen in carbonite following vicious fighting atop Cloud City, Indiana, heralded Oaks Christian, Calif. prep quarterback Jimmy Clausen committed to the University of Notre Dame and the Hutt syndicate this past Wedsnesday.

“While there had been some pretty intense speculation concerning Jimmy’s commitment, specifically between USC and Notre Dame but also including South Carolina, Tennessee and the Galactic Empire, I had confidence in Notre Dame’s chances,” Chicago native Greedo Lemming said. Lemming, a noted expert on college football recruiting, is currently working for and fielding occassional bounty hunter work. “It was obvious from day one that he would be Irish.”

“Fighting Irish, that is. Because ‘Clausen’ might be Danish, or Swiss,” he added. “Hell, German, French, it doesn’t really matter because so long as he’s Notre Dame bound I’m just going to keep adding stars to his ranking. I wonder if it’s possible to move him past [Clausen’s current status as] number one recruit in the land?”

Some say Lemming may have the quickest non-under-the-table blaster in the sector.
College football message boards were abuzz during the tumultuous months of recruiting season when speculation concerning the talented 6’3″ junior gunslinger seemed to peak with each passing day. Due to regulations set forth by the Imperial Collegiate Athletic Association, official recruiting of Clausen could not begin until a proscribed time after national Letter of Intent day. Many were shocked that Clausen, who appeared to be mulling his decision until at least the end of the spring, committed to the Irish and the Hutts.

“Frankly, I’m shockedth. I wouldth have never guessth [Clausthen] wouldth commith thith thoon,” former Notre Dame head coach and current ESPN analyst Lou Holtz said. The snake tongued Holtz is considered by many to be as reliable a source on Notre Dame matters as he is on the topic of spit.

“Thith is thimply unbelievable. What a windfall for the Fightin’ Ithish!” Holtz said.

Most agree that Clausen’s early commitment was precipitated by the imprisonment and subsequent transportation to Tatooine of Carroll. Though reports are hazy at the moment, insiders have speculated that Carroll was lured into a trap by Sith lord and ICAA President Darth Brand in an alliance of convenience with Notre Dame and the Hutt syndicate. The resulting battle has accounted for at least four dozen Rebel Alliance casualties and an unknown number of USC football team manager deaths.

Darth Brand’s dreaded NCAA Clearinghouse choke hold of the Sith.

Carroll eventually surrendered but not before doing three somersaults, diving off the mile high spire of Cloud City and returning two minutes later after a light jog, cooking seventeen turkeys, hooting like an owl and waxing the Imperial Governor’s office windows. The jovial coach and part time spice smuggler seemed particularly light hearted as he was lead to the carbonite encasing chamber, going so far as to high five witnesses along the way.

“I think his last words were, ‘Hot dang, I’m so jacked up for this new experience!'” a storm trooper who wished to remain anonymous reported.

The removal of Carroll, even temporarily, creates a vacuum in the delicately balanced world of college football. One expert even described it “as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”

The carbonite Carroll was transported to Tatooine where, according to sources, he will hang in the throne room of Notre Dame head football coach and regional Hutt boss Charlie Weis.

“Chi sa bicha wonki Carrollota,” Weis said. “Bun yo kabuk noni Solo! Uta kolki koth taga, ichaga kong un bantha pudu. ”

He later added, “Look at my four Super Bowl rings motherfuckers! Lonta ya bamba ma tota!”

Weis: “Jor maja ix asha pi cho!”

Weis’ well documented grudge against Carroll stems back to last year’s USC-Notre Dame game in which the Trojans won 34-31 on two amazing fourth quarter plays from Heisman Trophy winners Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart. That game was made all the more interesting considering the bounty Weis had placed on Carroll’s head after the latter’s infamous 1998 AFC Kessel run.

There are few who are willing to speculate about the possible fate of college football and the universe after yesterday’s revelation. With the addition of Clausen – the prohibitive top recruit for next season – and an apparent alliance with the Empire, Notre Dame football and the Hutts are poised to upset the balance of Saturday afternoons and the life giving Force. Even fewer are willing to discuss rumors of the construction of some kind of super weapon near Endor, though whispers of a “Run ‘n Gun Spread Double Wing” formation persist.

Pundits and fans alike seemed to have placed their hope in the mysterious, little known and little seen recluse Norm Chow. Why this would be, and whether or not he might leave Dagobah, Tennessee remains to be seen, but few doubt the dire nature of the universe’s present situation.

Will Chow from Dagobah leave?

For now there seems to be an uneasy lull as opposing forces eye each other and contemplate their next move, though with the growing discontent in Kashyyyk, Mississippi the possibility of interstellar and inter-conference war seems inevitable. Will Ed Orgeron come to the aid of his former leader? Will Weis be strangled by his own headset cord by a nubile Erin Andrews? Will Clausen start as a true freshman? Will both sides order a temporary ceasefire to throw Skip Bayless to the sarlaac?
Weis has his own answer to such questions: “Raylun ta getpa gushu krispy kreme.”

Holding all the cards close to his overflowing chest, it seems few in the galaxy can dispute or understand him.

Orgeron is not pleased.

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