Category Archives: Big XII

“I am a being of pure energy here to save the world”

The above is a line from the promos being run for the 2007 Winter X Games, which are apparently some sort of sports competition involving snow and Mountain Dew.

I lie. I know what the Winter X Games are, and while I will watch any sport in any medium at any time of the day…

(Aside: sumo wrestling is incredibly underrated even as a popular sport to cite as being underrated. I manage to catch it on TV about twice a year and those two days are all the richer for it.)

… I feel that the above line of copy deserves a better sport. Namely, college football.

I have no problem with “I am a being of pure energy here to save the world” being used to describe Shaun White, whom I’m told has a bit of a problem with his nickname “The Flying Tomato”. He’s called that because he’s got red hair and is the goofiest looking Olympic gold medalist pretty much anyone has ever seen, and I revel in the juxtaposition of that same improbable celebrity with “I am a being of pure energy [and wild red hair] here to save the world”, but, beyond White, do the 2007 Winter X Games deserve such fine copywriting?

Not to say that “I am a being of pure energy here to save the world” is fine copywriting, even though that’s exactly what I did. But compared to the absolute shit ESPN and the rest have been dumping on us for years now I think it’s safe to say that if “I am a being of pure energy here to save the world” had been used during a montage of Calvin Johnson catches we would all collectively spermatize our pants. Because it’s true: Calvin Johnson is a being of pure energy, and he’s here to save the world. Just not Georgia Tech’s hopes for the ACC title.

Snowboarding the half pipe triple verty backside with a ringer flip might be difficult but it does not involve beings of pure energy capable of saving the world. Here are such beings…

First law of thermodynamics, meet thy doom.

You came here to save someone’s world. I’m just sorry it wasn’t mine.

That college football deserves something like “I am a being of pure energy here to save the world” is indisputable. It needs it.

To be honest with you, though, I’d settle for two sterling silver forks shooting out of the television straight into my eyes and into the brain, severing my body from my primary auditory cortex and dulling the inchoate pain of Big and Rich.

Who thought this would be a good idea? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg?

In closing, would a being of pure energy come save the world and shoot Big and Rich in their ci-taaaaay?


Filed under ACC, Big XII, The Media, USC

Hey Jenny Slater knows who’s who when the revolution comes

Doug’s been keeping tabs, and with five immaculately devastaing posts he says to the college football world: “You know who you are.” You may not agree with the entirety of his list of the 50 Most Loathsome People in College Football (f’rinstance, Colin Cowherd ought to be classified as more loathsome than #35, and I don’t really care about the inclusion of the nearly autistic Georgia “fanatic” BuLLdawg at #39) (also, I just linked to the top ten so click around a bit for the rest), but you have to admire the thoroughness of this compilation. It feels right, mainly because while reading it you threw up a little bit. In your mouth.

Acid… reflux… incapacitating us…

I’m a fan of Doug. He writes with the proper mixture of frustration, outrage, glee, malice, what-the-fuck-was-that, joy and utter confusion that is the birth right of every college football fan. (See #8 on his list.) As I mentioned already, Doug is one of those up for a 2006 College Football Blogger Award. Three, actually.

Did I say I’m a fan of Doug? Doug can go to Hell, that primadonna.


Filed under ACC, BCS, Big East, Big Ten, Big XII, C-USA, MAC, MWC, NCAA, Notre Dame, Pac-10, Recruiting, SBC, SEC, The Media, USC, WAC

Movie critics nationwide blast Boise State for unbelievable ending

Glendale, Arizona – Winter audiences had high hopes for Monday night’s $35 million Fiesta Bowl production, and they weren’t disappointed: high scoring drama, exotic costumes, an underdog story and a miracle finish.

Movie critics around the country, though, weren’t so pleased.

“Who in their right mind would swallow this tripe?” Chicago Sun-Times film reviewer Roger Ebert asked.

“The media tries to push the same sports formula at us again and again: a scrappy team of no names ends the perfect season with the perfect come from behind win on a perfectly executed trick play. I understand that the American public maybe isn’t the most sophisticated audience out there, but three trick plays? My patience has been exhausted. Something needs to be done about this industry before our collective good will runs out. Two thumbs way down.”

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Filed under Big XII, Fake news, WAC

Meyer demands rock-paper-scissors showdown in lieu of BCS title game

The innovator always at work: Meyer demonstrates a new rock-paper-scissors technique he hopes to use in Glendale, Arizona, site of the BCS National Championship.

Gainesville, Fla. – Urban Meyer knows something about unfairness. Two seasons ago the second year Florida head coach had to listen while pundits across the nation knocked the Bowl Championship Series and a system which kept an undefeated Auburn team from playing for the national title. The Tigers beat ACC champion Virginia Tech in the Sugar Bowl but USC – owners of an impressive 55-19 destruction of previously unbeaten Oklahoma – was everyone’s unanimous champion in 2004. Still, the consensus was that Auburn deserved a shot at the Trojans.

The problem? The Alex Smith led Utah Utes were also undefeated – and coached by Meyer.

“I die a little bit every time I think about it,” Meyer says.

“Not a day goes by that I don’t want to brain an intern or strangle a small dog over the thought of it. We had a good team in ’04. A fine team. To have worked that hard and not even be in the equation….” He trails off and sits in his office, contemplating. The room is brightly lit and fiendishly organized. There are stacks of three ring binders everywhere, all of them neatly labeled with things like “12/6 PERSONNEL PKG.” and “OATMEAL CRAN COOKIES W/ HAZEL GLZ.” Meyer is the only coach present.

“Sometimes,” he says suddenly, “when I’m sitting at home watching game film I’ll use the google to find a picture of the crystal ball and…. It’s hard to explain. Have you ever seen the movie Punch-Drunk Love? There’s this part: Adam Sandler’s character, he’s finally pouring his heart out to the girl, and that scene has always been close to my own heart. It’s something real special.”

Meyer pauses. Upon first meeting him it’s impossible to get a sense of the forces at struggle deep within. He is incredibly cordial and measured, a man every bit in control as a career 59-12 head coaching record would indicate – but now there is a brief crack in the armor. Without getting up from his chair he wheels over to a nearby computer and quickly brings up a picture of the BCS national championship trophy. Meyer stares intently at the screen, nodding quietly.

“I’m lookin’ at your face and I just wanna smash it. I just wanna fuckin’ smash it with a sledgehammer and squeeze it. You’re so pretty,” he whispers, eyes never leaving the crystal football glowing out from the monitor. Continue reading

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Filed under BCS, Big XII, Fake news, SEC

The First Annual Creedies

There are a number of All-American lists out there. They usually put the people with the best stats and highest name recognition on these lists. For offensive linemen, they use the latter. These lists are recognized and recorded by the schools involved. This is not one of those.

My favorite character from the American version of The Office is Creed. It’s not even close, frankly. I like Michael and Dwight and Kevin but Creed is Creed. Unfortunately, no one else seems to agree with me. Everyone’s enamoured with Jim’s eyebrows and his new love interest and blah blah blah. While it’s true that the absolute funniest peak of the show was dinkin’ flicka, I live for Creed moments. More relevantly, I believe Creed is fully under appreciated. Thus, this is a list of those players I have seen with my own eyes who are not getting enough recognition for their fine contributions. And, like Creed, it’s possible these players are “not offended by homosexuality. In the [90s they] made love to many, many women – often outdoors in the mud and the rain – and it’s possible that a man slipped in. There’d be no way of knowing….”

Creed knows all. Except Pam. Who the hell is Pam?

One note: every single one of my defensive picks either play for the Trojans or have played against them. This is inevitable; I tend to pay attention to defensive players mainly when they’re directly opposed to USC. Offensive players are easier to spot due to highlights and mind boggling stats. This is reflected in the fact that four of my offensive picks have never suited up against USC. I have seen every single one of these players or units in action this season.

The First Annual Creedies

Derek Landri, senior DT, Notre Dame – Way to start this list off with a bang: pick a blah player from the nation’s most overrated team whose chief sin is fielding a non-existant defense that didn’t even look good against the Daytona Beach Coast Guard Night School. I would agree with you on every facet – Tom Zibkowski is not a good safety the way I am not a good safety (though he does have a terrific knack for getting a hold of the ball and putting it into the endzone), Victor Abiamiri likes to apply his lips to the testicles of the offspring of donkeys, etc. – except that I think Landri is just amazing. I hesitate to use that buzz word applied to mid-rounders who inevitably die off at the next level but were the darlings of their college fanbases, but Landri really does have a non-stop motor. I’ve never gone so far as to obtain and then break down game tape, but I’m fairly certain Landri grades out at a very high percentage rate in terms of positive plays. I don’t really remember him getting blown off the ball against ‘SC – a common experience for even the most highly touted defensive tackles – and I do recall cussing, with the regularity and color of a syphilitic sailor, his ability to maintain his gap and even get into the backfield once in a while. More than that I always got a distinct sense that I’d like to have Landri on my team, which seems like a good barometer for these kinds of list. He’s a player I’ve always liked, and I’ve enjoyed USC kicking his team’s ass over and over again, and neither of those two are mutually exclusive. Continue reading

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Filed under ACC, Big East, Big Ten, Big XII, C-USA, Notre Dame, Pac-10, The Creedies

Kansas State set to play 1988 Kansas State squad in ’09, ’10

Manhattan, Kansas – The Ron Prince era has yet to officially begin, but that hasn’t cooled off the expectations of Kansas State football fans. Promising “a return to form”, Prince has ignited hope in the Wildcat fan base by agreeing to a home and home series with the 1988 Kansas State Wildcats football team to be set in 2009 and 2010. Both games will be played in Manhattan, but each team will only be allowed to choose “heads” once during the opening coin flips.

Prince has stated that he believes strongly in cupcakes, cupcakage and cupcake tradition – the question now is, can he also make a young Wildcats team believe?

“We are excited to get back to our roots. [Recently retired Kansas State head coach] Bill Snyder built this program on a philosophy of solid football and playing teams that were just shy of being declared lepers. By signing this deal we feel we have honored the memory of one of college football’s greatest pioneers in cupcakery. Here’s to you, Bill,” Kansas State athletic director Tim Weiser said.

From 1989 to 2005, Snyder turned around one of college football’s most moribund and mediocre programs by concentrating on junior college recruiting, sound fundamentals and a voracious eye for scheduling other moribund and mediocre programs. The Wildcats played in eleven straight bowl games during Snyder’s final years, compiling an impressive record against non-Big 12 opponents like Indiana State, Idaho State, New Mexico, New Mexico State, Western Illinois, Northern Illinois, Montana, Temple, Utah State, UNLV, Western Kentucky, Louisiana-Lafayette, Rice, Northern Iowa, North Texas, Cincinnati, Akron, Ohio, Bowling Green, Louisiana-Monroe, UTEP, Louisiana Tech, Ball State, Eastern Illinois, Troy State, McNeese State, Massachusetts, Marshall, Florida International, Sister Mary’s School for the Blind Yet Technically Gifted, and Sister Mary’s School for the Blind Yet Technically Gifted State.

“The Wildcats have a proud history of playing anyone with slightly more than a pulse but less than what could be characterized as a healthy heart rate,” Prince said.

“We are excited to continue that tradition of scheduling like there’s no tomorrow, ‘tomorrow’ being the operative word for ‘national governing body designed in part to make sure football programs don’t play all-girl Catholic schools’. We always knew we could do it, but this just proves that our hearts and our heads are in the right place,” the first year coach continued.

“A place devoid of traditional football powers, that is, and, preferably, completely lacking in BCS teams,” Prince added.

The 1988 Wildcats are widely considered one of the worst college football teams ever, having gone 0-11 in the midst of a twenty game losing streak that didn’t end until the fourth game of Snyder’s first year in Manhattan after the iconic Kansas State coach replaced Stan Parrish (2-30-1 in three years). They were outscored 448 to 171, inviting comparisons to the 1981 Northwestern Wildcats (0-11), the 1985 Columbia Lions (0-10), the 1991 Prairie View Panthers (0-11), the 1997 Rutgers Scarlet Knights (0-11), the 2000 Duke Blue Devils (0-11) and the 2001 Houston Cougars (0-11) as the sorriest accumulation of college football non-talent of all time.

“We were in talks with both ’91 Prairie View and ’00 Duke but, in the end, we felt that this was the only choice anyone would be satisfied with. It has a nice, circuitous feeling to it, like coming back home again. I mean, we are literally going to be playing the worst team in the history of our traditionally awful program. Not only do we get to complete the historic circle, as it were, but we’re pretty much guaranteed a win. Frankly, I’m kind of surprised Bill didn’t do this when he was still coach,” Weiser said.

Though both teams were still unsure whether the actual 1988 Kansas State team or the older version of that squad would play, Weiser was “confident” that the decision would be announced soon.

“We’re going to explore all the avenues on that one. To the average college football fan it’d seem pretty obvious that playing the older version of the ’88 squad would be an easier win. After all, they’ve aged eighteen years since that horrible season and it’s even possible some of them have died already,” Weiser noted.

“Kansas State football is about more than that, though. We like to take our time and really figure out all the factors in trying to find out who would be the easiest out of conference opponent out there. If you’ve ever watched a nature program there’s always this point where you can tell the crocodile or lion or whatever has settled on the youngest, slowest wildebeest in sight. By 2009 those God-awful former Wildcat footballers will be that much older and we’ll have a pretty good gauge as to whether they’re cagier with age or just more arthritic. Think of this as stalking our prey,” Weiser said.

Both Weiser and Prince would not comment on rumors of a possible home and home with the French military.

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Filed under Big XII, Fake news