Category Archives: Big Ten

“You have 72 hours to give me the Genesis Device,” says Tressel to U.N., NCAA

Columbus, Ohio – Genetically engineered tyrant and Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel issued an ultimatum to the United Nations and the NCAA on Friday morning: give him the Genesis Device within 72 hours, or face his wrath. He also demanded unlimited football scholarships for Ohio State to be installed within a period of three years. The top ranked Buckeyes play the Florida Gators in the BCS title game on Jan. 8.

Tressel with his trademark vest and swarthy Asiatic musk.

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The First Annual Creedies

There are a number of All-American lists out there. They usually put the people with the best stats and highest name recognition on these lists. For offensive linemen, they use the latter. These lists are recognized and recorded by the schools involved. This is not one of those.

My favorite character from the American version of The Office is Creed. It’s not even close, frankly. I like Michael and Dwight and Kevin but Creed is Creed. Unfortunately, no one else seems to agree with me. Everyone’s enamoured with Jim’s eyebrows and his new love interest and blah blah blah. While it’s true that the absolute funniest peak of the show was dinkin’ flicka, I live for Creed moments. More relevantly, I believe Creed is fully under appreciated. Thus, this is a list of those players I have seen with my own eyes who are not getting enough recognition for their fine contributions. And, like Creed, it’s possible these players are “not offended by homosexuality. In the [90s they] made love to many, many women – often outdoors in the mud and the rain – and it’s possible that a man slipped in. There’d be no way of knowing….”

Creed knows all. Except Pam. Who the hell is Pam?

One note: every single one of my defensive picks either play for the Trojans or have played against them. This is inevitable; I tend to pay attention to defensive players mainly when they’re directly opposed to USC. Offensive players are easier to spot due to highlights and mind boggling stats. This is reflected in the fact that four of my offensive picks have never suited up against USC. I have seen every single one of these players or units in action this season.

The First Annual Creedies

Derek Landri, senior DT, Notre Dame – Way to start this list off with a bang: pick a blah player from the nation’s most overrated team whose chief sin is fielding a non-existant defense that didn’t even look good against the Daytona Beach Coast Guard Night School. I would agree with you on every facet – Tom Zibkowski is not a good safety the way I am not a good safety (though he does have a terrific knack for getting a hold of the ball and putting it into the endzone), Victor Abiamiri likes to apply his lips to the testicles of the offspring of donkeys, etc. – except that I think Landri is just amazing. I hesitate to use that buzz word applied to mid-rounders who inevitably die off at the next level but were the darlings of their college fanbases, but Landri really does have a non-stop motor. I’ve never gone so far as to obtain and then break down game tape, but I’m fairly certain Landri grades out at a very high percentage rate in terms of positive plays. I don’t really remember him getting blown off the ball against ‘SC – a common experience for even the most highly touted defensive tackles – and I do recall cussing, with the regularity and color of a syphilitic sailor, his ability to maintain his gap and even get into the backfield once in a while. More than that I always got a distinct sense that I’d like to have Landri on my team, which seems like a good barometer for these kinds of list. He’s a player I’ve always liked, and I’ve enjoyed USC kicking his team’s ass over and over again, and neither of those two are mutually exclusive. Continue reading

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Filed under ACC, Big East, Big Ten, Big XII, C-USA, Notre Dame, Pac-10, The Creedies

Godzilla-Mothra undercard on hold in Columbus; sources say giant radioactive lizard wants more money, GameDay segment

Columbus, Ohio – Sources report that representatives between Godzilla, King of All Monsters, and his prospective opponent Mothra cannot come to an agreement regarding their Nov. 18 $11.3 million purse earnings. The two were scheduled to fight as the undercard for top ranked Ohio State’s clash against number two ranked Michigan later that day.

Godzilla training for his exhibition fight in September.

“The fact is that ‘Godzilla’ is a household name around the world. We’re the ones bringing the appeal to this match, and we should receive a share reflecting that,” Godzilla spokesmonster Minilla said in response to reporters’ questions on Monday night. Minilla – son of the atomic ray breathing giant – has represented his father since the latter’s 1972 WBC title defense against Gigan.

“We regret any impact this may have on Michigan’s truly epic showdown with the Buckeyes, but we cannot proceed under the current circumstances,” Minilla continued.

“RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRR!” added the dorsal finned Godzilla.

Mothra could not be reached as of press time.

The two city destroying forces of entropy haven’t met since their 1998 rematch, widely regarded by many as the high point of monster fighting’s twilight years. Many insiders had hoped the excitement generated by Saturday’s football game between the two highest ranked teams in the nation would help invigorate the failing sport.

“Frankly, it doesn’t get any better than number one versus number two,” ESPN College GameDay host Lee Corso said. “The winner of this game is virtually guaranteed a spot in the BCS Championship Game [in the Fiesta Bowl] and the loser could very well see a rematch. The nation’s greatest rivalry for the highest stakes at a packed Horseshoe: that’s college football, baby!”

Sticking to the show’s tradition Corso then placed a Mechagodzilla mask on his head.

“The Mech’s got too many offensive weapons. I see the metal lug winning this one by two touchdowns! It’s not even gonna be close or else my middle name ain’t ‘Paprika’!” Corso said.

According to sources close to both monsters another factor impacting the Atomic Age icon’s withdrawal from Saturday’s bout was his desire for a two minute long College GameDay segment. Executives at ESPN’s Bristol, Conn. headquarters deny any involvement and maintain they were never approached by Minilla or any other Godzilla representative.

“This is just one of those messageboard things,” ESPN Executive Vice-President of Sales and Marketing Sean Bratches said Monday night.

Big Ten officials have not issued any official statements. Sources close to conference commisioner James E. Delany report that several other undercard matchups are possible, with King Kong “likely” to replace Godzilla at this point.

According to one highly ranked Big Ten official who wished to remain anonymous, King Kong was “extremely interested” in fighting at Columbus.

“[Kong]’s mulling the offer over with his people. He doesn’t need the money but he realizes that it’d be beneficial to him if he branched out into the Japanese/Midwest market. Plus, who wouldn’t want free tickets to The Game?” the unnamed source said.

Kong, whose only battle with a Nipponese based creature came against Godzilla in 1962 at Tokyo’s then state-of-the-art Carrier Dome, would not comment on the rumors.

Ohio State University president Karen A. Holbrook stressed that the undercard uncertainty, and even the possibility of no undercard fight at all, would have no impact on the following football game.

“It’s unfortunate this is happening at such a late stage but we’re unconcerned. Science defying giant monsters fighting to the death are always exciting, but how often have we seen an undefeated Michigan team coming to town to take on our number one Buckeyes? We all know what time the main event is occuring, and it’s at 3:30 P.M. Eastern,” Holbrook said.

“Besides, Columbus is getting destroyed one way or another. Joyous rioting, angry rioting, unnaturally huge prehistoric tail lashings… it all works out in the end.”

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Tressel gives Carr noogie, wedgie, lunchtime de-pantsing; hall monitor, NCAA silent on issue

Ann Arbor, Michigan – Despite his professed friendship with Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr, Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel continues to torment and publicly humiliate his Big Ten rival even after routinely copying from Carr’s homework and “borrowing” soda money.

Carr, 60, and Tressel, 53, have been acquaintances ever since Tressel moved from Youngstown to Columbus, Ohio.

“I showed Jimmy around when he first got there. Sometimes it’s tough when you move to a new place: you don’t know anyone, you have to sit all by yourself at lunch, Michigan State keeps beating you. Stuff like that. He’d come over to the Big House and hang out. He was kinda mean even then, but we were still friends. I was real nice to him. Then he started hanging around the cooler kids and, well…” Carr said.

“Now I sit by myself at lunchtime. It’s not so bad. I bring my Harry Potter books.”

Carr, University of Michigan head football coach and pussy-willow.

According to witnesses, a daily routine has developed between the two coaches. After getting his subsidized meal from lunch lady Edna Kozlowski, Carr quickly heads over to his corner table to quietly consume his main course and draw in his notebook. Once several minutes have passed, Tressel – who normally resides in the center aisle at a table with Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz – walks over to where Carr is sitting, usually with a mischievous expression on his face. From here events tend to differ depending on the day of the week, Tressel’s mood and whether or not Carr is playing a game of Magic the Gathering with himself.

“Sometimes [Tressel] will pretend to ‘accidentally’ knock Lloyd’s tray off the table and onto [Carr’s] lap. Sometimes he ‘spills’ milk onto Lloyd. If [Carr] is done with his food and stuff before Jimmy gets there, [Tressel] will punch him in the shoulder a lot, like he’s messing around but it’s obvious he’s not. All the kids in the center aisles will laugh, but I don’t think it’s that funny. I don’t really say nothin’, though,” Iowa State head coach Dan McCarney said. McCarney, who tends to sit by himself relatively close to Carr, is often the butt of jokes and pranks from others but has earned a reputation that deters more serious harassment.

“Let’s just say that Kirk keeps his distance,” McCarney said. “Not like Jimmy. He pantsed Lloyd in the middle of the Big House one time, in front of 100,000 people. His, like, mom was there, y’know? That’s just kind of messed up.”

This behavior, however, is not limited to lunchtime, according to Big Ten officials. Midday noogies, afternoon wedgies, before class swirlies and after school Indian burns have become a regular occurrence, prompting other coaches to form loud, shouting circles around the daily events; some are there to heckle and torment, but others are there out of a hope for a different outcome despite past history.

“Sometimes I wish Lloyd would just stand up to that big bully. It’s not as hard as it looks, so long as you know what you’re doing. I’ve been successful at it sometimes, but only because I learned how to fight weird. I move around in circles and use my elbows and stuff. It’s confusing, but it works,” Northwestern head coach Randy Walker said.

Most are baffled by Carr’s repeated acquiescence to Tressel’s demands, including the offer of completed homework “to study from”, a soda and Gatorade line of credit with little to no compounded interest, and a yearly ritual in which Carr saves up enough allowance for the Big Ten championship, only to let Tressel walk away with it after a session of “convincing”.

Michigan sociology professor Harold Weir noted that Carr’s pattern of compliance and retreat only reinforces Tressel’s behavior.

“It’s a common occurrence. Whenever a weaker entity allows another person in a position of power to get away with anything, it tends to emphasize and even add to the already existing set of conditions that dictate weakness and strength. In this case Lloyd’s refusal to fight back or even make things remotely difficult for Jim sends a clear signal that [Tressel’s] behavior is not only effective, but correct. The notions of dominance and hierarchy are very much a part of the animal kingdom, and humans are still animals when it comes down to it. And, frankly, maybe Lloyd deserves to get picked on. Did you see [last season’s Ohio State-Michigan game, won by the Buckeyes 25-21]? Fucking ridiculous. [Michigan has] the lead with only like four minutes remaining, right? But we can only get two plays with any positive yards before punting? What the fuck is that? Fuck that guy,” Weir said.

“I mean c’mon. Everyone knew Ohio State would march down that field and score. Everyone,” Weir added. “Fuck. God-damned pansy.”

Most agree that Carr and Tressel seem bound to continue their current relationship until the foreseeable future: Michigan and Ohio State host one of college football’s most storied rivalries, and, according to local gossip, Tressel is infatuated with Carr’s older sister, Janey.

“He’s nice to me when we’re alone. We still joke around about all the stuff we used to be into, like X-Men comic books and the base two receiver set and stuff like that. Sometimes he even invites me to his parties, but I haven’t gone to one since [Penn State head coach] Joe [Paterno’s] thing with the shuffleboard and the bingo. It was kinda boring, plus once we got there Jimmy threw punch all over me,” Carr said.

“Maybe the trick is to have Janey come with me to school. Jimmy’s real nice when she’s around. He’s always asking about her, what she likes, how close our rooms are. I wish she hadn’t moved off to another college, because maybe then it wouldn’t be so bad between me and [Tressel].”

Weir, however, disagreed.

“What we have here is a classic case of the socially oppressed doing a disservice to themselves by fantasizing in the extreme. Hopes and dreams are good things, maybe even necessary things, but when thought about and never acted upon they become anchors. Let’s face it, Lloyd here isn’t exactly going to grow up to be a computer mogul or a Super Bowl winning coach who gets to come back to the reunion and shove it in Jim’s face. If he wants to be able to look back at this period in his life, he’s going to have to grow a pair and do something about it,” Weir said.

“This kinda seems like the perfect script set up for a sitcom or something, doesn’t it? Maybe [former Michigan head coach] Bo Schembechler can teach Lloyd how to punch in a very special episode about bullying and standing up for yourself. Then Tressel can kick his ass in a very realistic episode of ‘This Is Happening Right Now, Again.'”

As of press time, Tressel could not be reached for comment.

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