Ask Mike Bellotti: The Global War on Terrorism

By Mike Bellotti

Mike,

I’ve been reading and hearing about the probability of a nuclear bomb being smuggled into America and detonated in one of our bigger cities. Normally that kind of stuff doesn’t worry me since it’s always been conspiracy crack-pot theorists who take it seriously, but more and more “legitimate” people are talking about this very real possibility. How likely is a nuclear attack, and is there anything we can do about it?

Sincerely,
Seriously Thinking ‘Round A Nagging/Growing Emotion Like Opaquely Veiled Entropic-terror

That’s a tough question, STRANGELOVE. Great movie, by the way.

Detecting radioactivity is not an easy thing, especially on ocean freighters which are in my opinion the biggest risk in terms of weapons smuggling. Detection measures require relatively close quarters which mean that, logistically speaking, the tonnage that comes through a port like Los Angeles or New York cannot be seriously screened on a consistent basis. That means we have to look at different methods of prevention, like non-proliferation and increased intelligence. Those two things are our best bets.

Still, I think a nuclear attack is a serious possibility. Our biggest cities are huge targets that cannot be absolutely defended, but that doesn’t mean you have to live your life in fear. That’s why I recommend the Nike GroundMax Fallout Shelter. It’s revolutionary Pro-Tek radiation shielding is designed for speed and comfort for when the revolution finally comes. It’s also pretty sharp looking. Never before has a last ditch ancillary protective measure sealed in lead and containing three to nine months worth of supplies been so beautifully designed. Trust me: once you try Nike’s new GroundMax Fallout Shelter, you won’t go back. Or out.

Ask Mike Bellotti: New Year’s Resolutions

By Mike Bellotti

Mike,

I’m a thirty-one year old female legal secretary. I’ve had weight problems all my life, but last year I finally followed through with my New Year’s Resolution to diet and drop some pounds. I went from a size seven to a size five. The problem now is that I just don’t feel like my old self; sure, I’m thinner, but my energy is gone and I really don’t enjoy watching every single thing I eat. I want to keep this weight but I don’t want another year of miserable calorie counting. Is surgery the right answer?

Sincerely,
Missing All those Doughnuts

We all wish we looked better, MAD. The problem for you isn’t so much the dieting, it’s your self-image. I get letters like this all the time and I tell them all the same thing: forget about the diets, the surgery, the carbs and the counting and just go out and get the shiniest new uniform you can find. I like bright yellow myself, but anything neon will work. Think in diametrically opposed color schemes: orange and blue, red and green, etc. Remember to accessorize. Nike has a new pair of football cleats coming out called the Nike VELOCITY ’07. We’ll get them in a hunter green and goldenrod combination, which would do wonders for you if you’re into the grey business suit look most legal secretaries sport. VELOCITY ’07s will give you height and really set off a skirt.

Mike,

I swore off smoking in January. I’ve been a lifelong smoker but my kids finally convinced me to do it after one of their best friends’ dad died of lung cancer last year. I love my family and I’m normally a pretty strong willed guy, but I smoked three days ago and it felt so good and bad at the same time. I’m afraid I’m going to let my kids down. What can I do?

Sincerely,
Still Moping Outside Greensborough

Quitting cigarettes isn’t easy, SMOG. Why do you think the tobacco companies are still turning profits? There’s no simple trick to doing it, except to wear a moustache. I had one and as soon as I shaved it off I got back on heroin after fourteen years off the smack. If you love your kids, SMOG, you’ll grow a ‘stache. And soon.

Mike,

So it’s the Colts and the Bears. Who do you have winning the Super Bowl? Just to make this New Year’s themed, my resolution was to stop gambling.

Thanks,
Looking For A Tip

Peyton Manning finally got over the conference championship hump. Look for him to have a big game on sport’s biggest stage. I also love that marauding Bears defense, especially the front seven. If I had to pick a team, though, I’d say neither. Their uniforms are too plain. A horseshoe and a big “C”? What’s that? That’s simplicity, and that’s never a formula for success. Look for the Bengals to take it all.

Mike,

I’m coming off an ugly divorce. It took three years to settle everything and I’m still bitter about the way it turned out. My best friends all want me to move on and I agreed, so I promised myself I would start dating. Unfortunately I’ve been “off the market” for so long I don’t know how to go about the whole process anymore. I’ve been on one date so far. It was the worst night of my life: the woman was incredibly boring, but I found myself pretending to be interested. She wasn’t even that pretty. I’m not a supermodel or anything but I think I deserve someone pretty good. How do I find that person, and, more importantly, what do I do on the first couple of dates to not screw everything up? I’m a charming guy with a good job and a lot of positives in my life; I just don’t know how to get that across during a dinner and a movie.

Thanks,
Super Hesitant in Yonkers

SHY, have you given any thought to different colors for your home and away helmets? If not, do so. There’s nothing sexier or more sophisticated. Not even Axe.