Category Archives: ACC

Hangin’ With Coker: Making The Best Out Of Every Day


By Larry Coker

Hey there, folks. It’s Larry Coker.

Today I want to talk about seizing the day. A little bit hokey, right? Haha. No, I’m not making fun of my good friend Frank Beamer and his Virginia Tech Hokies. I went 3-3 against them, which is pretty fair in my opinion. No need to bring that up.

No, I want to talk about making the best out of every day.

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Calvin Johnson travels back in time to stop Lincoln assassination, Georgia Tech from happening

ATLANTA, GA – Taking his cue from a long precedent of movies, comic books, science fiction novels and other forms of popular media, Georgia Tech wide receiver Calvin Johnson traveled back in time on Thursday in order to prevent former U.S. President Abraham Lincoln’s assassination on April 14, 1865.

Johnson, 21, hoped to rewrite American history for the better, particularly in the area of racial equality. Along the way the junior pass catcher – considered by many NFL experts as a top ten prospect in the upcoming April draft – also hoped to remove the Georgia Institute of Technology from the space-time continuum, thereby avoiding three seasons of futility with the Yellow Jackets during the first half of the twenty-first century.

“I’ve always admired Lincoln,” Johnson said during Thursday’s press conference prior to his temporal voyage. “He was a great man, a great leader in a time of desperate need. That he should die a scant six months after his re-election always struck me as one of history’s crueler jokes.”

Continued Johnson: “Not as cruel a joke as [Georgia Tech quarterback] Reggie Ball ‘throwing’ to me, though.”

“Make sure you put ‘throwing’ in quotes,” he added.

Johnson took advantage of recent breakthroughs in the areas of transversable wormholes – a form of warped space-time compatible with the Einstein field equations – as well as the science of poorly throwing a football into the air so he could grab it, two subjects the pass catcher is well versed in.

According to the All-America wide receiver, time travel to the past is made possible by accelerating one end of a wormhole to nearly the speed of light and then bringing it back to the point of origin, producing what Johnson called “time dilation”.

“I knew that would work in theory. What really stumped me was finding matter with enough negative energy to begin the process. Well, it turns out we can churn out enough of that material by having ‘someone’,” Johnson said, emphasizing the last with pantomimed quotes, “throwing horribly aimed, wobbly fades and hoping I would catch it despite double, triple, even quadruple coverage.”

“The resulting catch creates a quantum irregularity, which I also have to catch. Luckily no one in a Georgia Tech uniform is throwing that quark to me.”

Johnson (#21) demonstrates the method for unbalanced wormhole promulgation.

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The First Annual Creedies

There are a number of All-American lists out there. They usually put the people with the best stats and highest name recognition on these lists. For offensive linemen, they use the latter. These lists are recognized and recorded by the schools involved. This is not one of those.

My favorite character from the American version of The Office is Creed. It’s not even close, frankly. I like Michael and Dwight and Kevin but Creed is Creed. Unfortunately, no one else seems to agree with me. Everyone’s enamoured with Jim’s eyebrows and his new love interest and blah blah blah. While it’s true that the absolute funniest peak of the show was dinkin’ flicka, I live for Creed moments. More relevantly, I believe Creed is fully under appreciated. Thus, this is a list of those players I have seen with my own eyes who are not getting enough recognition for their fine contributions. And, like Creed, it’s possible these players are “not offended by homosexuality. In the [90s they] made love to many, many women – often outdoors in the mud and the rain – and it’s possible that a man slipped in. There’d be no way of knowing….”

Creed knows all. Except Pam. Who the hell is Pam?

One note: every single one of my defensive picks either play for the Trojans or have played against them. This is inevitable; I tend to pay attention to defensive players mainly when they’re directly opposed to USC. Offensive players are easier to spot due to highlights and mind boggling stats. This is reflected in the fact that four of my offensive picks have never suited up against USC. I have seen every single one of these players or units in action this season.

The First Annual Creedies

Derek Landri, senior DT, Notre Dame – Way to start this list off with a bang: pick a blah player from the nation’s most overrated team whose chief sin is fielding a non-existant defense that didn’t even look good against the Daytona Beach Coast Guard Night School. I would agree with you on every facet – Tom Zibkowski is not a good safety the way I am not a good safety (though he does have a terrific knack for getting a hold of the ball and putting it into the endzone), Victor Abiamiri likes to apply his lips to the testicles of the offspring of donkeys, etc. – except that I think Landri is just amazing. I hesitate to use that buzz word applied to mid-rounders who inevitably die off at the next level but were the darlings of their college fanbases, but Landri really does have a non-stop motor. I’ve never gone so far as to obtain and then break down game tape, but I’m fairly certain Landri grades out at a very high percentage rate in terms of positive plays. I don’t really remember him getting blown off the ball against ‘SC – a common experience for even the most highly touted defensive tackles – and I do recall cussing, with the regularity and color of a syphilitic sailor, his ability to maintain his gap and even get into the backfield once in a while. More than that I always got a distinct sense that I’d like to have Landri on my team, which seems like a good barometer for these kinds of list. He’s a player I’ve always liked, and I’ve enjoyed USC kicking his team’s ass over and over again, and neither of those two are mutually exclusive. Continue reading

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Duke cancels football season in wake of lack of sexual assault scandal

Durham, North Carolina – In response to the absence of serious administrative malfeasance of any kind, as well as a considerable dearth of legal woes including charges of sexual assault, Duke University president Richard Brodhead announced yesterday that the football team’s season would be cancelled.

“Though we stand firmly on the side of our student athletes, the lack of criminal accusations against our football program cannot be ignored. This matter will continue to not be pursued in the courts of law. Duke University, its administration and its athletic program make no assumptions concerning the innocence or guilt of our football players in a hypothetical case, but we have deemed it necessary that their season be cancelled for the sake of unity and healing. This is a unique opportunity for us to seriously broadcast our wants, our needs and our beliefs, and today all three coincide: Duke football must not occur,” Brodhead said.

Over the past several months Duke football has been rocked by an increasing void of scandal, with media coverage seemingly nihil-present at the picturesque Durham campus. Brodhead said that some students have voiced concern about not being constantly confronted by reporters looking for an angle or a slip of the tongue.

“In light of what has not occurred, my associates and I believe that not going through with football season would be beneficial to all but most especially for the student body itself. We are an academic institution first and foremost, and we make this decision with that firmly in mind. It is imperative that the distraction of football be immediately and decisively removed for any kind of resolution,” Brodhead said.

Though some have criticized the Duke president for informing the media before the team itself and its coaches, Brodhead’s move has been lauded from many corners – including the Blue Devils’ head coach himself.

“It takes courage to do what he did in the face of absolutely no wrongdoing whatsoever. Decisive action like this is what we need, as a football program, to move forward to a point where we can make a non-negative impact on this campus and its students. I support Richard Brodhead and Duke in their decision, and I only wish they had made it earlier,” Duke head football coach Not Steve Spurrier said.

“Frankly, this is a big relief. I can finally take the time to work on my frisbee golf game. I’m kind of tired of having the score run up on me.”

Duke head coach Not Steve Spurrier contemplates whether he should punt or go for the intentional interception.

Though North Carolina has traditionally been a basketball state, the recent lack of success in football by home teams University of North Carolina, North Carolina State and especially Duke has brought attention to that “other sport”. Word travels fast, and local fans and boosters have been staying away in droves as cumulative North Carolina season ticket sales for football did not increase for the third year in a row.

“This is a tradition poor program, and we have never, ever derived any pleasure or pride from it. For example, as recently as the 2005 season Duke football failed to bring home a national championship, a conference championship or even a congeniality award. Most agree that our streak of non-appearances in the championship game – or any game of import, for that matter – over the last half century or so is one of the most remarkable athletic feats of all time. No one doubts our place in history, but with multiple football players not getting arrested and charged with egregious acts of villainy we have no choice in this non-matter,” Brodhead said.

“Let those who’ve failed to criticize our football program for its maverick tendency towards criminality be warned: this university is prepared to stay the course even if it means the cancellation of all future seasons. Actually, especially if it means the cancellation of all future seasons,” Brodhead added.

Yesterday’s press conference comes on the heels of a string of highly unpublicized non-incidents:

August 18, 2005: Senior defensive end Eli Nichols is not arrested by police on charges of public intoxication and public indecency.

January 1, 2005: Junior quarterback Steve Lattanzio is not arrested by police on suspicion of breaking and entering.

March 3, 2005: Sophomore linebackers Charles Robinson and Alfred Williams both fail to be charged with minors in possession of alcohol, biking while under the influence, public disturbance and possession of marijuana.

September 2, 2005: Junior tailback Tielor Robinson is not forced to put up a bail of $200,000 after a complete lack of sexual assault charges. Robinson and his non-existent accuser eventually do not settle out of court.

February 4, 2006: Senior offensive lineman Garrett Mason does not steal several male sheep from Duke’s agricultural center; he is consequently not fined $800 and ordered to perform community service in addition to the lack of a DUI charge.

March 16, 2006: Sophomore quarterback Marcus Jones is not accused of providing alcohol to minors, and is completely unaware of the charge of statutory rape the state fails to bring against him.

March 28, 2006: Junior linebacker Zach Smith does not steal a woman’s cell phone in a bar, and avoids being chased by two policemen through Durham. Exactly one week later Smith does not expose himself to a group at a women’s dormitory.

May 3, 2006: Senior tailback Aaron Fryer is not engulfed in a brewing scandal involving improper benefits to his family in the form of a $162,000 house in the Durham area. The NCAA later fails to announce that an investigation will be forthcoming, with possible non-sanctions pending on the findings.

June 4, 2006: embattled Duke head coach Not Steve Spurrier is not charged with DUI. His lawyer does not claim that his drink was laced with GHB, a well known date rape drug.

“It’s been a trying couple of decades for our program. When you can’t even hang your hat on being infamous for something maybe that’s just God’s way of sayin, ‘It’s time to pack it in fellas,'” Not Spurrier said.

“Outside of an occasional blip of relevancy, we’ve shouldered on in anonymity year after year. Not winning games is one thing, but when you’re not winning games and operating in legal obscurity and outside of the police blotter there’s something wrong. My gut’s been telling me that for a while now. The last thing this university needs is an unremarkable, unsuccessful football program in the harsh glare where the media spotlight would be if there was anything interesting going on here. I can’t say I’m sad to see our team go, but I can say I’m unbelievably, ecstatically happy.”

Not Spurrier was firm in his reiteration that calmness and rationale were required in this situation, however.

“I’m not going to let my indescribable joy concerning this turn of events blind my view of things. I know full well that a complete lack of sexual assault accusations is no laughing matter. Then again, neither is a crappy football team,” Not Spurrier said.

As of press time it is unclear if Duke will convert the football team’s revoked 85 athletic scholarships into enough money for a new Mike Krzyzewski commercial.

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Miami’s 7th Floor Crew honored with Pulitzer for Faulkner biography

New York, N.Y. – As they have since bursting into the American cultural landscape in 2004, members of the University of Miami’s 7th Floor Crew chose to remain anonymous even during Columbia University’s annual Pulitzer Prize ceremony and luncheon held at the Manhattan campus’ Low Library. The secretive and highly regarded literary group was honored for its New York Times bestselling 2006 biography Between Grief and Nothing: William Cuthbert Faulkner, 1897-1962 but maintained its strict policy of anonymity despite a multitude of media and book publishing insiders who turned up for the event.

That didn’t stop those present from singing their praises, however.

“For their tireless contributions to literary theory and understanding, and particularly to the fields of Southern gothic and mythic urbania, for their humanitarian efforts in modern day Appalachia, for their dissemination of tolerance and equality, for their efforts in preventing domestic abuse, for their pursuit of the causes of education, enlightenment and preservation of the unique cultures of the American southeast, the 7th Floor Crew deserves our thanks and our loyalty. Columbia University and the members of the Pulitzer Prize Board can only offer this small gesture, but we hope and we trust that the world all over can recognize the gifts this small but dedicated fellowship has bestowed on us,” Columbia University President Lee C. Bollinger read in his presentation speech.

“Plus they have the sickest beats. If anyone in this audience knows anyone in the industry, anyone at all, even if he’s just a coffee runner, make sure you give them this sample. These guys are going to be huge. Aaliyah’s never sounded so goddamned good!” Bollinger added, swaying and gyrating to the sounds of Low Library’s public address system as it played the 7th Floor Crew’s music.

Faulkner.

An artists rendering of possible 7th Floor Crew members.

Essayist and novelist Gore Vidal, himself the author of fictional biographies like Lincoln (1984) and Burr (1973), was on hand for the ceremony and said that the 7th Floor Crew was “already the foremost point of the dawning American millennial spear of exposition and lyricism. They are truly the caretakers of our newest, fiercest dreams.”

“Is there a more beloved literary figure in the deep south, outside of perhaps Mark Twain, than William Faulkner? There’ve been so many books and essays written about him and yet it is no surprise to me that [the 7th Floor Crew has] managed, in the space of just a few months, to pen the most authoritative and insightful work on the man ever,” Vidal said.

“Those who complain that the youth of today lack in anything, especially eloquence and an appreciation of knowledge for knowledge’s sake, had better take a look at the University of Miami’s football players. When I am dust and gone, their words will still be inspiring generations.”

Though much is still unknown as to their methods and numbers, it has been confirmed by multiple sources that several University of Miami football players were or are members of the 7th Floor Crew. The group has issued various statements over the past two years indicating that anonymity is important to the artistic and academic integrity of their work, noting that “fame has long been the chosen or thrust upon’d hemlock of our star cross’d generation”. Others have speculated that the 7th Floor Crew wishes to avoid enmity like other literary or artistic groups throughout history.

“The Pre-Raphaelites were condemned for their rejection of ‘classical’ artistic ideals and for their emphasis on color, detail and lushness. There are a lot of people, even in the avant garde world, who would love nothing more than to bring down the 7th Floor Crew out of sheer jealousy, and even out of a lack of understanding of what they mean. They paint, they sculpt, they produce films and art exhibitions. They put on poetry slams and live performance pieces, and now they write Pulitzer Prize winning biographies. If you ask me, they’re silencing their critics at every turn. The whole world’s gonna know about these guys soon enough. It’s just like the Italian Renaissance all over again,” University of Miami head coach Larry Coker said.

“They’re once in a lifetime artists and they’re good people. They told Sinorice Moss to tell me that if I ever needed a place to crash at, their South Beach art studio was always open to me. I don’t take handouts or use other people’s recruits to win national championships or anything like that, but I thought it was a nice gesture. Real classy. You couldn’t give a Pulitzer to a nicer, more deserving group of guys,” Coker added.

“Say, you wouldn’t happen to know if anyone’s been shopping around for a head coach?”

Most critics agree that, despite the short period of time the 7th Floor Crew has been operating, the Pulitzer Prize represents something akin to a lifetime achievement award for the mysterious artistic collaborators.

“It’s impossible to categorize them. They refuse boundaries. One minute they’re producing industrial fusion ambient music with John Cale, the next they’re writing op-ed pieces for the Atlantic. I hope this is just the first of many awards coming their way. They really are the Leonardo of our generation: jack of many trades, and master of all,” ESPN college football analyst Kirk Herbstreit said.

“Well, maybe not master of all. If winning the new ACC was a trade they’d still be an apprentice. And then there’s that whole Fiesta Bowl thing,” Herbstreit said, referring to the 2002-2003 BCS national championship game Miami lost to underdog Ohio State. “But if you’re looking for cutting edge art, expansive knowledge of the classics, challenging and exploratory creative output and a fearless willingness to embrace the possibilities of transcendent humanism then you need look no further than the ‘Canes and the 7th Floor Crew,” Herbstreit noted.

Noted classical scholar and third world philanthropist Kellen Winslow, Jr. has long been a modern day Renaissance man, dabbling in biochemistry, architecture and soljah-ing.

The 7th Floor Crew has been well regarded in many critical circles but, prior to the Pulitzer ceremony, none of the well known, mainstream award committees have paid any public attention to the enigmatic artistic collective. Instead they’ve become known for a wide ranging interest in the liberal arts and the humanities, as well as philanthropic work in the areas of education and women’s rights. In particular Vidal praised their ground breaking eponymous debut spoken word piece “7th Floor Crew”, an allusion to both the University of Miami’s Mahoney Residential Hall and Søren Kierkegaard’s proposition of the teleological suspension of the ethical.

“Kierkegaard’s defense of the story of Abraham and Isaac is a controversial lateral step in existentialism, and one which the 7th Floor Crew have finally proved tenable. I admire them for their boldness and the elegant simplicity of their arguments. How could you not? Just listen to the rhetorical build up: ‘If your ho the one gettin’ fucked on the 7th flo’ / Then you would know, cuz the bitch don’t want you no mo’ / She’d tell you she met a guy who was nice and candid / I think they call him T-Good, or the ‘big dick bandit’,” Vidal said, emphasizing certain points during his recital of the song by biting his lower lip and moving his hands, arms and shoulders in circular, downward motions.

“If that doesn’t bridge the gap between [Immanuel] Kant’s Categorical Imperative and the Good of Socrates, I don’t know what does. They’ve deserved recognition for a long while now. It’s good to know that artists can be appreciated in their own day. Damn, this flow is smooth, yo,” Vidal added.

Faulkner experts and literary reviewers alike were stunned when advanced copies of Between Grief and Nothing arrived. In an unprecedented move publishing house Simon and Schuster agreed to the 7th Floor Crew’s contractual stipulation that no advertising take place for the book; this was part of the winning bid to represent the experimental group’s publishing interests after a fierce six month battle between Simon and Schuster, Random House and HarperCollins.

“Frankly, [the publishing of Between Grief and Nothing] was perhaps one of the most depressing things to ever happen to me. The book itself is a marvel of scholarship. Their attention to detail, their implacable pursuit of the truth and their unearthing of the lost Oxford-Faulkner manuscripts are wonderful things, don’t get me wrong. But I feel the way woolly mammoths must’ve felt when they first glimpsed spear wielding humans: my time here is done,” Faulkner expert and University of Virginia literature professor Alfred Mannering said.

“I’ve built my career around discovering the inner mysteries of Faulkner’s life, from his views on his great-grandfather William Clark Falkner to his time spent in Hollywood as a screenwriter. Well, that’s a whole thirty-two years down the drain. [The 7th Floor Crew has] written what is essentially the most comprehensive, well researched and insightful work on Faulkner ever. Maybe even the best biography anywhere, ever. I might as well have been picking my nose and eating my findings for the past three decades for all the recognition I’m going to get after this,” Mannering said.

The four volume, 3,700 page biography has some critics, though – even from within The U’s literary circles.

“Frankly, I found the prose dry. Though not altogether unexpected considering the form and genre, I had higher hopes from the Crew. I do not doubt the authenticity nor the meticulousness of their research; I do, however, call into question their choice in observing the metre and not the heart. I would also note that some could take issue with their positioning of Faulkner’s formative years and the newly discovered Oxford papers. Though I support their general hypothesis concerning the impact his childhood had on his writings, I hold the influences of the European modernists in far greater value, particularly Joyce and Proust,” former Miami and current Washington Redskins’ tailback Clinton Portis said.

“And none of the Crew, no matter how I beg, will tell me anything concerning the whereabouts of Southeast Jerome. It pains me that we are here in New York, site of Jerome’s brutal slaying, and we cannot forge ahead because of their stubborn, willful refusal to part ways with their ideas of anonymity. Thankfully Sherriff Gonna Getcha and Sir Lend-Me-A-Hand are on the case,” the white jumpsuited, gold afro bedecked Portis added.

Sherriff Gonna Getcha was also present for the Pulitzer ceremony but talked very little with the media, noting only that his current case had “nothing to do with [former Hurricane quarterback Ken] Dorsey’s brutal conquering of the Miami women’s soccer team.”

Miami redshirt freshman linebacker Willie Williams disagreed.

“Firstly, it was clear when [the 7th Floor Crew] discovered Faulkner was physically abused as a child that much of the inherent madness suffusing his greatest works was derived from those early traumatic experiences. In particular, the iconography of spiritual dissolution found in his best works – As I Lay Dying, The Sound and the Fury, Absalom! Absalom! – have their roots in the harrowing trials of Faulkner’s Mississippi childhood. To believe otherwise would simply be a useless gesture in reductio ad absurdum, and I know good Clinton is better than that,” Williams said.

Williams also noted that while the 7th Floor Crew has thus far refused to cooperate with both Sherriff Gonna Getcha and Sir-Lend-Me-A-Hand, the enigmatic artistic enclave was last seen talking with Coach Janky Spanky in what many insiders presume was either detective work to undercover more clues in the 2005 slaying of Southeast Jerome, or else the beginnings of an elaborate performance art piece centered on the theme of “the dehumanization of the global hegemony of fantastic realism.”

“Don’t think for a moment that we ‘Canes may become complacent, even after a Pulitzer. We seek to transcribe the utmost bounds of human thought, and to expand our communal conceptions of what is possible. As Blake said, ‘If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite,'” Williams said as he consumed four lobster tails, two steaks, a shrimp scampi and a battered edition of Horace: Satires, Epistles and Ars Poetica.

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Mark Richt breaks long silence on breasts or ass debate: “I’m definitely an ass man”

Athens, Ga.- Apparently wishing to dispel years of speculation, University of Georgia head football coach Mark Richt left little room for doubt as to his stance in the long running and controversial breasts or ass debate after Monday’s press conference at Sanford Stadium.

“I’m most definitely an ass man,” Richt said.

Most analysts and critics were shocked that Richt – known as a relatively quiet bystander in the millennial old question of bum cakes or cans – would so decisively and unequivocally place himself in the backdoor camp. Richt (52-13 in five years at Georgia) was emphatic on Monday, however.

“I love the female derriere. If pressed, I’d have to say it’s what gets me up in the morning. I like them large and I even like them small. Every man can enjoy a double handful of bubble butt, sure, but it takes a discerning eye and a connouiseur’s knowledge to really appreciate the apple behind. I have that eye and I have that knowledge,” Richt said.

Richt is a staunch proponent of glutius maximus curvature.

Under his leadership the Bulldogs have consistently turned in some of the best seasons in the nation, winning two Southeastern Conference titles and playing for a third. Richt has done this with an eye towards solid defense and an offense predicated on interchangeability and productive depth. Since his hiring in 2001, Georgia has become a perennial popular pick to win the SEC East; so much so, in fact, that the question on many people’s mind isn’t so much how many games the Bulldogs will win but whether or not divisional rivals Florida or Tennessee can keep Georgia from playing in Atlanta, the site of the SEC’s annual conference championship game.

“At this point everyone sorta figures Georgia’s gonna get to ten wins at a minimum. When they don’t it’s a surprise, but seeing as they have going on four or five years now the right bet’s to always pick with ’em and not against ’em. Whether Mark was a tits or ass man, however, was something we were always asking each other,” ESPN college football analyst Mike Gottfried said.

“I used to always say, ‘Fellas, if I wasn’t such a raging drunk I’d have gone straight up to Mark and asked him to his face, ‘Are you a fan of the boobies or are you a fan of the rump, and don’t give me that rootin’ for both teams thing neither.’ Course, as I said, I am a raging drunk and I’d just as likely shine his shoes with my vomit as remember his answer.”

Though Richt was firm in his declaration of undying love for the female posterior, he was conciliatory towards the breast contingent on Monday.

“I wish to make this as clear as possible: I love breasts as much as the next guy. They are fabulous, wondrous creations, sculpted by the hand of God and the scalpels of the finest surgeons in our good country. As with asses, I enjoy them big and small. Not freakishly big, of course. I’m not asking for two full trash bags dangling off of some poor woman. I just want to make it perfectly clear that I am a fan of the torpedo look, the skittle tits, the high ones and the low ones, the saucer nipples and those awesome areolas that have that nib in the center. And side boobs. I’m definitely a fan of the side boobs,” Richt said.

“But when it comes down to it, I love ass. I love everything surrounding the ass: a nice toned stomach, long lean legs that curve slightly inward right near the top so that they have this kind of double tapered look and there’s that sort of ‘v’ shape inbetween….”

At that point in the press conference Richt paused for nearly half a minute, staring off into the distance with his right hand poised in a slight but definite cupping motion. When the attendant reporters started asking questions again Richt looked noticeably startled and resumed his presumably pre-prepared statement.

“Though I strongly believe in offensive and defensive balance, particularly on those ever critical first and second downs, I have chosen to cast my lot with the ass lovers of the world out of a sense of brotherhood and common understanding. Theirs is a plight I know all too well, and silence helps no one. The tidal force of heart stoppingly rounded cheeks is rising, but we have a long way to go to catch up to those who enjoy a great rack and perfectly presented cleavage,” Richt said.

“[Breast lovers] even have the ability to pluralize any noun to describe their favorite anatomical features: cans, trays, lamps, drawers, windows, monitors. It doesn’t stop at physical objects either, because they can refer to breasts as a fantastic personality, a great set of morals, efficiently conjugated verbs and so on and so forth. It’s a distinct advantage and while I don’t begrudge them that, I feel there is no shame in working towards equality,” he added.

Richt also noted that he is a happily married man and the proud father of four children, but that none of those things ought to mean his preference for the female rear end need go unvoiced.

“The day you stop looking is the day you die,” Richt said as his final statement.

Since Monday’s press conference sources have reported that Richt has been the lead singer for an alt-country band named the Downstair Dimples since 1995. Other members include current North Carolina State head coach and former Florida State defensive assistant Chuck Amato (drums), current Seminoles defensive coordinator and assistant head coach Mickey Andrews (slide guitar), current Florida State associate head coach Jim Gladden (lead guitar) and both Terry (bass) and Tommy Bowden (backup guitar). According to current Florida State offensive coordinator and Downstair Dimples understudy Jeff Bowden (backup vocals), the group only plays three songs: Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls”, Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love” and fictional rock group Spinal Tap’s “Big Bottom”.

“They’ve been working on [Sir Mix-A-Lot’s] ‘Baby Got Back’ but the only one who could ever make that song work was [current Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden]. Poppa always did love his rear ends and it really showed in his music. Mark’s not there yet, but he’s damn close. Give him a decade or two more down in Athens and you’ll really be able to hear that deep down booty love that can only come from the soul,” Jeff Bowden said.

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