NSA, CIA: “West Virginia may have the forward pass”

LANGLEY, VA – A leaked memo detailing a joint National Security Agency-Central Intelligence Agency operation indicated that the West Virginia Mountaineers “may have the forward pass”.

Neither the NSA nor the CIA would comment on the matter, citing policy to not address sensitive issues currently unfolding.

President Bush was also unwilling to answer questions on the Mountaineers and the possibility of their having weapons of mass yardage. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow did not immediately deny or affirm the veracity of the memo and its claims, but he did say that caution was necessary.

“At this point, [caution] would be advisable,” said Snow. “We’ve all seen satellite photos of their practices, so we know they’re already experimenting with forward pitches and playbook enrichment. The international community, NATO and the Big East all know this. Right now the ball is in West Virginia’s hands. Let’s just hope they don’t know how to throw it yet.”

A West Virginia Mountaineer, above, attempts to split the atomic structure of the pass-run barrier. Satellite photos indicate that the experiment ultimately resulted in a run.

For now it appears that the White House’s plans remain the same: a carrot-and-stick approach heavily reliant on negotiation and incentives but also predicated on help from West Virginia’s neighbors, particularly the cities of Louisville and Pittsburgh and the states of Virginia and Maryland. China’s help has also been sought but the Asian superpower has thus far kept its intentions extremely secretive. Some fear that China could even be supplying WVU with ancient Taoist scriptures advocating a “forward way of thinking”.

“That’s basically a blueprint for the pass right there,” said William Kristol, co-founder of the conservative think tank Project for the New American Century.

“Frankly, though, China is not the concern. West Virginia was going to eventually get the pass. We detected testing as far back as January 2006 when they threw and caught the ball almost a dozen times. Most of those were improvised runs that involved fumbling the ball forward, but one might’ve been a 10-yard out. Or even a fade.”

Kristol shook his head, then said to himself softly, “West Virginia might have the fade.”

The U.S. continues to impose sanctions on the Mountaineers, making their ground-air trade deficit one of the worst in the world. Few harbor any illusions about the effectiveness of the sanctions, though. David Boaz of the libertarian think tank the Cato Institute called the American policy for West Virginia “an absolute disaster”.

“In the end, who’s it [the sanctions] hurting? Not the Mountaineers, but rather the people of West Virginia. You’d think we’d come up with a better way of deterring a small handful of madmen than just starving their people of the things necessary for life, like a balanced attack. Have you even beento West Virginia? The people there are so starved for the bare essentials they’re burning couches just to stay alive. Does that make any sense at all?” said Boaz.

Though many like Boaz have complaints, it seems few – if any – have actual solutions for a situation some say is as dangerous as the Nebraska West Coast Offense Crisis of 2004.

“We were really on the brink in ’04. All the big boys had their fingers poised over big red buttons. That was the year the Earth stood still, and we didn’t start breathing again for a while. Getting out of the Nebraska West Coast Offense Crisis like we did was a combination of luck, diplomacy and reason, and I’m not sure about those last two,” Kristol said.

“Again, though, luck was on our side: Bill Callahan was the coach, and the history books will prove me right when I say that you cannot build a sustainable infrastructure under Callahan. Or communism,” he added.

One solution could involve the forcible disarmament of Mountaineer generalissimo Pat White, though that plan has serious doubters. Both Kristol and Boaz agreed that getting past White’s elite unit of massive, specially trained bodyguards would require both rigorous planning and some sort of combination attack, perhaps even a rip-spin maneuver.

Said Boaz, “Does the U.S. still teach that move? Too many special-ops soldiers go for the bull rush these days. And let’s say you do get past that initial line and get to White. Are you going to disarm his left or his right side? No one knows which one he’d use for a forward pass. Without proper scouting any such operation would be doomed to failure.”

Advertisement