Beat the Vandals! And apathy! And ED!

College football fans enjoy repetition. We know where we stand with repetition: wherever it was we were standing ten minutes ago. USC fans enjoy several things on repeat: the V, Conquest, the 2005 Orange Bowl, recruiting, and shouting/typing “Beat the (insert opposing mascot here)!!!” as loud as possible and as much as possible. Except in this case we are all stuck listening to/reading “Beat the Vandals!” during the entirety of the off-season. The Idaho Vandals.

I just can’t get up for Idaho. Sorry, spud state. This is pretty much how I feel:

Internal monologue: You wooed me into the schedule using a combination of close friends, a lack of other options and a big whopping whiskey straight, but now that we’re in bed together the machinery is not working. My lack of college football Out Of Conference (OOC) enthusiasm for this encounter translates into a serious priapic void, and you, Idaho… well, I just hope you have a battery powered backup. Maybe you shouldn’t have bought me that whiskey. Skank.

External dialogue, sans the di-: Sorry. Seriously, this never happens. I am so sorry. Maybe if you… just… here, let me help. No, no. Kinda move… yeah…

Shit. This just isn’t going to happen. Sorry. It’s just a bunch of different things going on right now, you know? I’ve had a rough time what with three losses in three years, losing the BCS title game and then getting knocked out of the picture a year later. I’m in a weird place right now. It’s not you, it’s me. Idaho. Look at me. I’m not lying to you or anything. It’s all me.

Yeah, I know. I definitely thought we had something going.

Speaking of connections, your friend back at the bar. Moscow? No, not Moscow. Something with an “o” though. Boise! Boise. I had a great conversation back there. We must’ve talked for almost an hour. Maybe you could put in a good word for me with Boise State? I don’t wanna sound like a total douchebag, but I think there was a connection. Anyway, how do you know Boise?

Really? That little acting studio on Lankershim? Yeah, I totally get coffee by there all the time. Weird. I’m surprised I haven’t seen Boise State there before. And you too, of course. Have you ever had the bagels from the corner? Oh, totally. They’re like crack. I’m sure you and Boise must’ve totally just gone to town on them during Saturday morning hangovers.

Huh. No hangovers. Must be nice. Boise must be a puke and rally-er, then.

So you’ll put in a good word for me? Really? You are so sweet. Thanks, Idaho. Now, listen, I’ve got this thing tomorrow. Interview. It’s an interview at 9, 8:30 in the morning. It’s a big one, the third call back, and I am useless without a good night’s sleep. So if you want me to like call a cab or something I would totally be happy to do it. Not that you need to leave now or anything, but…

Really? You sure you’re okay to drive? OK, cool. Hey, it was great seeing you. Good luck with the whole making a bowl game thing. Actually, speaking of that… hold on, I know I have that number… here… the MPC Computers Bowl. And the New Mexico Bowl. That’s in New Mexico. They’re good people, and I think you would get along with them real well.

Oh. Hah. Don’t forget your coat. And I seriously appreciate you returning Coach Holt and my Children of Men screener. Drive safe! Yeah, you too! Night!

At this point I’d take pretty much anything over Idaho. Hawai’i has been discussed before, and after Boise State’s incredible run at box office schmaltz I am sweet on the Broncos, too. In fact, the WAC is populated by a number of intriguing schools: the spittoon led Fresno State Bulldogs, Dick Tomey’s Fightin’ Lazarii aka San Jose State, Nevada of the Nevada Pistol formation, etc. But Idaho? I am less than tumescent for Idaho.

Beat the Vandals? Beat ED first, and then maybe the Vandals.