Ask Mike Bellotti: The Global War on Terrorism

By Mike Bellotti

Mike,

I’ve been reading and hearing about the probability of a nuclear bomb being smuggled into America and detonated in one of our bigger cities. Normally that kind of stuff doesn’t worry me since it’s always been conspiracy crack-pot theorists who take it seriously, but more and more “legitimate” people are talking about this very real possibility. How likely is a nuclear attack, and is there anything we can do about it?

Sincerely,
Seriously Thinking ‘Round A Nagging/Growing Emotion Like Opaquely Veiled Entropic-terror

That’s a tough question, STRANGELOVE. Great movie, by the way.

Detecting radioactivity is not an easy thing, especially on ocean freighters which are in my opinion the biggest risk in terms of weapons smuggling. Detection measures require relatively close quarters which mean that, logistically speaking, the tonnage that comes through a port like Los Angeles or New York cannot be seriously screened on a consistent basis. That means we have to look at different methods of prevention, like non-proliferation and increased intelligence. Those two things are our best bets.

Still, I think a nuclear attack is a serious possibility. Our biggest cities are huge targets that cannot be absolutely defended, but that doesn’t mean you have to live your life in fear. That’s why I recommend the Nike GroundMax Fallout Shelter. It’s revolutionary Pro-Tek radiation shielding is designed for speed and comfort for when the revolution finally comes. It’s also pretty sharp looking. Never before has a last ditch ancillary protective measure sealed in lead and containing three to nine months worth of supplies been so beautifully designed. Trust me: once you try Nike’s new GroundMax Fallout Shelter, you won’t go back. Or out.

Mike,

Sunni. Shi’ite. Iraq. Iran. Hezbollah, Hizbollah, Hezbullah, dirkah dirkah Mohammed jihad, as Trey Parker and Matt Stone would say. Is it just me or is it impossible to figure out who’s who and what’s what and why we’re even fighting for these people who hate us? We need a giant diagram just to figure out which camel we’re supposed to be protecting.

Sincerely,
These Colors Don’t Run

I understand what you’re saying, TCDR, but you should not let your frustration overcome your empathy or decency. Insulting others helps no one. Trust me. When Phil Knight showed up to our annual pre-season meeting last year with five different shoe catalogs, each with a good dozen or so permutations of the same model (of which there were a minimum of 24, and up to 52 in the largest catalog), I was confused and, I have to say, a little bit angry at what I perceived as a big waste of my time. After all, why would you schedule a meeting to decide on – of all things – shoes, if you’re going to show up with a smaller selection than last year’s? But in the end we worked it out because we both agreed that differences aren’t unbridgeable, and a little knowledge can go a long way. And I got him to bring in two more catalogs. That’s a lot of cleats.

Mike,

I am a veteran of two wars. I support our troops. I believe that the removal of Saddam Hussein was a good thing. But it’s becoming increasingly clear that we are not winning in Iraq, and that we need to do something besides argue with each other. I want those troops home, but I also want the sacrifices already made to count for something. The problem is that no presidential candidate seems to be talking about a solution: it’s either maintain status quo, or get the hell out. Am I missing something? What would you say if you were running in ’08?

Sincerely,
Veteran In Michigan

I’m glad you asked, VIM. This is something I’ve been contemplating for a while. Here goes…

“This is a problem, but not an intractable one. Clearly mistakes were made, decisions adhered to that should not have been heeded in the first place. We needed more information and we did not get it. But what’s done is done. We may have recovered that onsides kick ‘illegally’, but we also scored two touchdowns in the final 72 seconds against a ranked Oklahoma team. There are positives here, and we need to build on that. More than anything else, though, we need to never forget: don’t ever piss off Sooner fans, or they will mail bomb you. Thank you.”

Mike,

I’m all for national security, but does a more secure nation really come at the cost of our civil liberties? Clandestine searches, wiretaps, illegal detainment, torture facilities in other countries… is this really America? I need to believe you agree with me.

Sincerely
Worried About Hereafter

I agree, WAH. I agree with all my other readers that you need to suck it up and get used to the idea of sacrifices. Our liberty is precious, and it needs to be defended – and that requires a commitment and a willingness to sacrifice that our forebears were willing to put forth. When the Department of Homeland Security came to me in 2006 and said that they needed to take away the thunder sticks from our fans in the Autzen Zoo because the noise was weapons grade, and because the term “thunder sticks” itself sounded weapon-like, I didn’t whine and blubber to the nearest columnist. I squared my chin, did my part, and ordered up more pre-game alcohol consumption to compensate. And you know what? The world didn’t come crashing down, except for that 7-6 part. So shut up and toe the line.

Mike,

Is it possible to sympathetically nuke Iran?

Sincerely,
Autzen Nut Getting Extremely Rageful

Sometimes I can’t believe the nuts who write in to me.

No, ANGER, it is not possible to sympathetically nuke Iran. The very definition of the words “sympathetically” and “nuke” do not allow that sentence to make any sense. And you really should do your research before you open your mouth or put pen to paper: Iran is the fourth largest producer of oxi-urethane polymesh, the most important ingredient in the new Nike FloMax ’07 jerseys we just got in green, yellow, black, silver, gold, chartreuse, salmon and brick. So unless you want your Ducks to come out of that tunnel wearing plain ol’ white, you’ll reevaluate your position on this matter promptly.