This is a direct lifting of The Onion’s American Voices feature, of which I am a big fan.
Anna Nicole Smith posthumous fiasco
The former model, actress and all-around celebrity’s death has not stopped any of the controversy that plagued her in life: following her mysterious passing her will has been contested, a paternity suit involving Smith’s 5-month-old daughter has been brought forth and her burial site is being argued over. Even the judge presiding over her daughter’s case couldn’t hold back tears at the trial. What do they think?
Arizona State University head coach
“Her marriage to that old millionaire was shameful. What kind of a person would attach themselves to another being simply for the prospect of a big payoff after the termination of their relationship?”
University of Mississippi head coach
“As banal as it may seem, when I heard the news I immediately though of Sir Elton John singing at Princess Diana’s funeral, singing about Marilyn Monroe, to whom Smith was compared. And I thought of the point of the song, which was that candles that burn brightest burn quickest. And then I thought of breasts. Which made me hungry. And then I thought, ‘Weird, I’m thinking about breasts and Princess Di.’ And I made a sandwich, but I didn’t have chicken breast so I went with ham. And then I realized that my Joyce dissertation was becoming a distraction.”
University of Notre Dame head coach
“I feel for Smith. So much so that I’m suing TrimSpa.”
University of Arizona head coach
“COYOTES ARE DESIRIOUS OF DINGO BLOOD, AND YOU COME HERE WITH THIS SHIT? I WILL BREAK YOUR SPINE AND PISS IN YOUR THIRD LUMBAR. PUNT TEAM!”
University of Southern California head coach
“I didn’t know Anna, I didn’t know her situation, and I still don’t know anything about her. I don’t know anything about Anna or the BCS. I just don’t read about that kinda stuff because what’s the point? You’ve gotta work with what you have. But at times like this you just gotta say ‘gosh’ and think about the important things in life. Like recruiting. I am jacked up about recruiting.”