Reggie Bush, stepfather invoke Fifth Amendment on sandwich bread choice

SAN DIEGO, CA – Current New Orlean Saints and former USC tailback Reggie Bush and his stepfather LaMar Griffin declined to answer a San Diego area Quiznos employee’s repeated inquiries about their choice in bread for the two’s recently ordered chicken carbonara sandwich combos.

After other customers began to grow angry with the prolonged silence, Bush’s attorney David Cornwall eventually settled on rosemary parmesan, but stressed that “nothing should be read into [his] client’s choice of deliciously flavored artisan bread”.

LaMar Griffin, right, silently indicates a preference for a panini-style sandwich during a September 2006 visit to a Los Angeles restaurant.

Both Bush and Griffin are part of an ongoing investigation by the NCAA regarding improper benefits received during Bush’s career at Southern California. Bush, who scored on an 88-yard touchdown pass in the Saints’ 39-14 loss to the Chicago Bears in the NFC title game, and his family have so far refused to speak to NCAA officials regarding the case and cannot be forced to do so now that the former Trojan star is a professional athlete, according to 24 year old Quiznos manager Dylan Hernandez.

“[Cornwall] explained it pretty well,” said Hernandez, whose question regarding the dine-in or to-go status of Bush and Griffin’s order was also met with the two citing their Fifth Amendment rights.

Although a separate federal probe into extortion charges against would-be sports agents Lloyd Lake and Michael Michaels is also pending, observers noted that Bush’s use of the Fifth Amendment was not necessary considering the non-judicial nature of the NCAA and Quiznos, but added that “subpoenas can come out of nowhere” including conversations about sandwich toppings.

“I actually was going to serve him a subpoena during the topping phase, but he just motioned for ‘everything’. Smart move by Reggie,” Hernandez said.

Bush and Griffin have several times been seen stonewalling local restaurant chains since a Yahoo! Sports report that broke the ongoing story in April of 2006. Though the two have stymied employees at places like Panda Express with their refusal to choose between chow mein or fried rice, it wasn’t until yesterday’s incident that other customers were forced to wait in line behind Bush and his stepfather.

Several Quiznos customers were vocally frustrated with the two, urging them to cooperate with the proper authorities in order to “get on” with the “ugly” process. One woman clad in UCLA gear even shouted that “everyone [knew] the truth” behind the two’s prolonged silence. Said the woman (who did not want to be identified): “It’s obvious what happened. They wanted everything: the healthiness of wheat, the comfort of white bread and the zesty Italian flavor of rosemary parmesan. They wanted it all even though they knew the rules. Next thing you know everyone will be ordering sandwiches with four different types of bread and counterfeiting Subway’s stamp cards. We have laws for a reason.”

Former ESPN college football analyst Trev Alberts was also in the restaurant during the incident.

Alberts – who is now doing commentary for his own startup Albert & Albert based in a Lincoln, Nebraska Quiznos – had this to say: “It’s an outrage. People come here expecting a quality product and what they get is disappointment and disillusionment. I love Quiznos above everything else. Why? Because of the pageantry, the history, the rival sandwiches dueling for my attention. Because they pack more fire and more passion and more meat into a sub than just about anyone out there. The innocence is gone, and we can thank Reggie Bush for that.”

Mike Androssian, a local USC fan standing in line behind Bush and Griffin, was also distraught with the latest developments concerning the 2005 Heisman Trophy winner.

“I still can’t believe it. You’d think someone as high profile as Reggie Bush would be getting the right advice about stuff like this. He seems like such a good kid. I want to believe he didn’t know what was happening but it’s pretty hard given all the evidence. Chicken carbonara? Seriously? The Quiznos menu says it’s topped with a “creamy bacon alfredo sauce”. That’s just disgusting,” Androssian said.

“Is there something wrong with good old fashioned double stack pastrami sandwiches? I miss that kind of purity. I don’t even know why I keep coming back and putting my heart out there,” he added.



Filed under Fake news, NCAA, USC

6 responses to “Reggie Bush, stepfather invoke Fifth Amendment on sandwich bread choice

  1. Brilliant. Fake and real at the same time! (Obviously, I enjoy stating the obvious.)

    And, thanks for your comment on my blog. As I wrote there (paraphrasing):

    It is indeed a pleasure to have someone of your wit and talent commenting on a Displaced take … even if it is to plug your new blog.

    You are a ridiculously righteous journalist, albeit a fake one.

    Put that on your “Paid Ads” list!

    The Displaced Trojan

  2. I’ve misplaced a Trojan, but never displaced one. It sounds painful.

  3. Thanks DT.

    I just want everyone to know I’m not against carbonara, just against it in the case of sandwiches. I firmly support bacon in every form, guise and avenue.

  4. Robert

    Genius, however I can only support bacon if it is wrapped around a hotdog and sold by illegal immigrant vendors off of un-franchised illegal vending carts

  5. I have this informative issue, there are some stepfathers who are not able to understand that they are fathers too, but in increasing months fathers and mothers have had same dispute over children, stepfathers have been put a side from all matters of there stepchildren, they have no responsibility. Stepfathers have been targeted as an evil part of relationship with stepkids, or paternal fathers, fathers who are to busy working dening there kids a normal life, has no responsibility after there divorce, they don’t take no actions, but the stepfathers have no obligations, but the mother gets all the problems, now it presents a problem with educations and legal matter of education, the stepfather seem to take part as a father figure in the stepchilds life, but does not have no leverage, it becomes as though stepfather is just a shadow of the father, yet does a lot more, but does not have any legal parental actions with the kids, not if they were adopted, but in doing so will be set up as a legal father, and the paternal father is excused from legal expectation of the child, yet has not been there for the child, the only person who has been in there life as a father figure is the Stepfather, this inflicts a tarnished relationship with the child, no more than a lie. What is the deal with having a chioce legaly with the stepchilds education and medical legal actions, stepfathers are completely set up as non-legal advisor, and no duty towards the child. That is the in balance of having to be a step father.

    What can we do better if we are a good stepfather, and not the evil person who is insight of the real goal of the paternal life of the child?

    What is? What Can? Why Can’t?

    This is a struggle with the legal aspect of being a stepfather is when the legal step is tarnishing the life of the child and the balance of the new home the child is in.

    That is what is wrong, when can legal aspects concern the stepfather, who is willing to put life of a child first rather than his own. We are concidered fathers are we not?

    Please e-mail me some thoughts of this matter.

    Thank You!!

  6. Reynaldo,

    The problem here is that you’re taking this seriously. Once you move beyond that you’ll see that a query like yours – involving deep thought, self-reflection and sincere questioning – is not needed. Drink up.

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