“I am a being of pure energy here to save the world”

The above is a line from the promos being run for the 2007 Winter X Games, which are apparently some sort of sports competition involving snow and Mountain Dew.

I lie. I know what the Winter X Games are, and while I will watch any sport in any medium at any time of the day…

(Aside: sumo wrestling is incredibly underrated even as a popular sport to cite as being underrated. I manage to catch it on TV about twice a year and those two days are all the richer for it.)

… I feel that the above line of copy deserves a better sport. Namely, college football.

I have no problem with “I am a being of pure energy here to save the world” being used to describe Shaun White, whom I’m told has a bit of a problem with his nickname “The Flying Tomato”. He’s called that because he’s got red hair and is the goofiest looking Olympic gold medalist pretty much anyone has ever seen, and I revel in the juxtaposition of that same improbable celebrity with “I am a being of pure energy [and wild red hair] here to save the world”, but, beyond White, do the 2007 Winter X Games deserve such fine copywriting?

Not to say that “I am a being of pure energy here to save the world” is fine copywriting, even though that’s exactly what I did. But compared to the absolute shit ESPN and the rest have been dumping on us for years now I think it’s safe to say that if “I am a being of pure energy here to save the world” had been used during a montage of Calvin Johnson catches we would all collectively spermatize our pants. Because it’s true: Calvin Johnson is a being of pure energy, and he’s here to save the world. Just not Georgia Tech’s hopes for the ACC title.

Snowboarding the half pipe triple verty backside with a ringer flip might be difficult but it does not involve beings of pure energy capable of saving the world. Here are such beings…

First law of thermodynamics, meet thy doom.

You came here to save someone’s world. I’m just sorry it wasn’t mine.

That college football deserves something like “I am a being of pure energy here to save the world” is indisputable. It needs it.

To be honest with you, though, I’d settle for two sterling silver forks shooting out of the television straight into my eyes and into the brain, severing my body from my primary auditory cortex and dulling the inchoate pain of Big and Rich.

Who thought this would be a good idea? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg?

In closing, would a being of pure energy come save the world and shoot Big and Rich in their ci-taaaaay?