COLUMBUS, OHIO – In anticipation of unchecked rioting following formerly top ranked Ohio State’s 41-14 loss to the University of Florida in the Tostitos BCS title game, local authorities have requested logistical aid from nearby Bartertown and its diumvirate, Master and Blaster.
Master, right, with Blaster.
Columbus mayor Michael B. Coleman stressed that these were only “precautionary measures”, noting that the city has avoided handing power over to the neighboring outpost “for almost more than three seasons now”. The two cities have existed in an uneasy relationship due to their close proximity to the area’s largest quarry of rocks and metal bits. There has also been an ongoing dispute over watering rights, specifically Larry’s well.
“Though we have had our differences in the past, Bartertown is a friend and an ally in our time of need. We welcome them with open arms,” said Coleman.
It appears the mayor has little choice. Though machete and shotgun wielding bandits have been a common sight in this part of Ohio for years, experts say the situation can only get worse after the Buckeyes were humiliated by Florida on national television. Within thirty minutes of the final play of the game heavily armed dune buggies, semi-trailer trucks and motorcycles ripped through downtown Columbus, shooting at one another in a desperate bid for gasoline and ammunition. Several police officers reported a gang of nearly forty mohawked, leather clad bikers taking up position in front of an all-night liquor store. The officers warned that the looters looked armed and “extremely Australian”.
“Everything is under control,” Coleman said. “We have plenty of fuel. We have plenty of fuel.”
Municipal services such as bucket repair and oiled rag distribution have been halted in several parts of the city. Some residents are fearing the worst and have refused to answer the daily summons to Columbus’ iron mines, citing the state of city roads as “too fiery” for travel. Though Coleman and his office have thus far denied a ceding of governmental powers to Master and Blaster the continued existence of the city is evidence that nearby Bartertown is deeply involved.
Though Bartertown’s two rulers have professed “blessed benevolence”, their good will has not stopped them from demonstrating their control over Columbus by randomly issuing energy embargoes. Over the past several hours the city’s six buildings were periodically crippled by a lack of power, forcing Coleman to quietly plead with his former rivals. Subtlety was not Master and Blaster’s intention, though, and their confrontation with the mayor proved dramatic even in a night featuring motorcycles flying through the air and men pitted against one another in Columbus’ last remaining library, a hemi-spherical skeleton dome used for book lending and gladiatorial combat.
The three got into a heated argument atop the city’s last remaining staircase, with several witnesses reporting that Master cried out “Who run Columbus?” from his perch atop the helmet clad, seven foot tall Blaster. His demand was echoed several times despite Coleman’s repeated response that Master was indeed in charge of the city and its 1.9 million inhabitants.
After much prompting to “say it” Coleman finally broke down and screamed, “Master Blaster runs Columbus!”
Power was restored soon after, though not until Master’s order of “lift embargo” was given. Local authorities say it will be some time until Columbus’ hog methane generators are back to their pre-bowl game levels, and until then the city is at the mercy of Bartertown’s diminutive leader and his silent giant.
“Our pig feces production was crippled [by the loss]. You’d be surprised how much swine depend on their confidence in order to produce industrial amounts of shit. Half the power grid went down when Troy [Smith] threw that interception,” Columbus Department of Energy director Harold Weitz said.
Weitz was then bound up and gagged by nearby bandoliered strongmen who explained that Weitz had “bust[ed] a deal” and would “face the wheel” before dragging him off.
Despite the difficult position his city is in, Coleman is optimistic.
“We’re a strong people, a strong community. Though Buckeye fans everywhere are disappointed, we know that there will be other seasons. [Ohio State] coach [Jim] Tressel would tell us we need to keep our heads up, so that’s what we’re gonna do. We’re going to be alright. We’re gonna get to Tomorrow-morrow Land,” Coleman said as he watched his chief of staff Guy Worley strapped onto a large metal disc mounted into a frame marked with various punishments.
Reflecting on Ohio State’s performance in the national championship game, though, Coleman sounded less than enthused: “Two men entered, one man left. We were not that man.”
“Fuck Michigan,” he added.