Bristol, Connecticut – University of Notre Dame president Rev. John Jenkins held a press conference yesterday in which he vigorously objected to ESPN’s branding of the upcoming Sugar Bowl between the Fighting Irish and the Louisiana State Tigers as “Catholics vs. Competent Football Players”.
Friends described Jenkins, above, as “steaming fucking mad” regarding ESPN’s advertising of the Sugar Bowl.
A highly anticipated 1988 game between Notre Dame and the Miami Hurricanes was billed as “Catholics vs. Convicts”, with the often controversial Miami program seen as the “Convicts”. Notre Dame won that game 31-30 after ‘Cane head coach Jimmy Johnson elected to go for a two-point conversion which failed, ending Miami’s winning streak. The Irish would go on to win the national championship.
“We object to ESPN’s characterization of the Sugar Bowl. The 1988 characterization was itself offensive, but even more offensive is the idea of comparing that team to our present one. Frankly, I’m appalled. The ’88 squad had offensive talent just like today’s, with players like Tony Rice, Rocket Ismail and Rickey Watters. But they also had defense with guys like linebacker Michael Stonebreaker, defensive end Frank Stams and nose tackle Chris Zorich. Defense! Think of that! Defense wins championships! Who would’ve thought? Jesus fucking Christ,” Jenkins said.
“Sorry,” he added, staring upwards.
“Sorry we don’t have a better football team in Your name, that is,” he would later add after a long pause.
Representatives of the Allstate Sugar Bowl, which will be played on Jan. 3 in the rebuilt Louisiana Superdome, had this to say: “While we appreciate the opinions of the University of Notre Dame, its players, it coaches and its fans, we respectfully suggest they shut it. Geaux Tigers! Make sure you spell that as g-e-a-u-x.”
The fifth ranked Bayou Bengals (10-2) are heavy favorites against number twelve Notre Dame (10-2).
ESPN football analyst and former Notre Dame head coach Lou Holtz suggested that current Irish coach Charlie Weis was using the complaint as a form of mental warfare against LSU, or, as Holtz put it, “heeth mething with their mindth.”
“I thould know. I uthed to do the thame thing, and thuffering thuccotash did it work!” Holtz said.
Holtz cautioned against viewing the complaint as the latest example of the Irish’s presumed control over the media, noting that there were still at least two newspapers – the Oakland Tribune and the Anchorage Daily News – not yet under Notre Dame’s thumb.
Sources within the Bristol, Conn. based ESPN report that vicious fighting is still going strong between South Bend partisans and the sports media conglomerate’s shadow priests. The two sides have been struggling ever since the leaking of an internal memo detailing the new direction ESPN was trying to take in its ancient struggle to return the Outer Gods to power.
The anonymous source said that Jenkins, Weis and other members of Notre Dame’s infamous Brotherhood of the Blood were infuriated that ESPN president George Bodenheimer favored Shub-Niggurath and wished to elevate the Black Goat of the Woods over Yog-Sothoth, high sponsor of the Fighting Irish. The alliance between Notre Dame and ESPN has since been seen by many occult experts as dissolved, though no official announcement has yet to be made.
An artist’s rendering of Yog-Sothoth, patron of Notre Dame football. The artist was later committed to a sanitarium.
ESPN’s billing of the Sugar Bowl as “Catholics vs. Competent Football Players” was described by the source as “the first public shot in a terrifying war.”
“That doesn’t mean ‘Catholics vs. Competent Football Player’ isn’t accurate, though. Even when you have the personal support of Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos and avatar of the Great Old Ones, sometimes your football team is just highly overrated. Damn Notre Dame sucks, or my name isn’t Kirk Herbstreit,” the source added.