A perfectly cromulent guide to using Simpsons quotes during bowl season

Ahhh, bowl season. Hah-hah if you’re not participating, hah-hah if you’re playing in something sponsored by the auto industry, hah-hah if you’re real confident your interim head coach’ll lead you to the promised land: bowl season is a time to reflect on the past dozen games, give thanks and, most of all, disparage everyone in sight including your own team. We do it out of love, but mainly out of a deep seated bitterness familiar to anyone who’s ever painted his face and gone “WHOOOOOO!” into the camera while holding up a single digit to indicate your belonging to a top ranked something or other. Bowl season also coincides with the holidays. As nearly every single study, report and source of scientific veracity tells us the holidays are a time of barely contained suicidal depression. It’s time to fight back that depression (Florida State, I’m lookin’ at you) with the best weapon we have: humor! And what better or broader avenue of humor do we have as red blooded Americans than The Simpsons? As demonstrated before, The Simpsons is Shakespearean in its ability to provide a quote for nearly every occassion. To that end, I present to you A Perfectly Cromulent Guide to Using Simpsons Quotes During Bowl Season, aka Several Awkward Moments at Your Local Bar.

(I’d like to take this time to thank the following: The Onion’s A.V. Club for giving me the idea way back when, SNPP for providing an invaluable time wasting resource, The Simpsons Gallery for the screen caps, and my two former roommates, without whom I might’ve learned something in college instead of just playing poker and quoting The Simpsons.)

(And my mommy. She doesn’t know anything about the show, but she’s still pretty cool.)

*****

Quote: “I sleep in a drawer!”
Episode: “A Milhouse Divided” (12/1/96)
Context on the show: Milhouse is concerned about his parents’ strained relationship. Schoolyard bully Kearney consoles him by saying, “Ah, you’ll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid, but he got over it.” Then his son, who’s a spitting image of dad, cheerfully pipes in with the above quote.
When to use: Whenever a coach or talking head is discussing a new wrinkle that hasn’t gone quite the way everyone hoped it would.
Example: Coach: “Well, Bob, some might say that the addition of elements of the spread offense to our packages might’ve led to that three hundred percent increase in fumbles, but they don’t take into account the extra six yards of rushing per game we’ve achieved.” You: “I sleep in a drawer!”
Notes: Must be said in happy, high pitched voice. In fact, only Ralph Wiggum‘s voice will do.

Quote: “My eyes… the goggles, they do nothing!”
Episode: “Radioactive Man” (9/24/95)
Context on the show: During filming of the climactic set piece in the action movie Radioactive Man the director gives the following instructions: “OK, listen up everybody: this is the hardest, most expensive scene in the movie, and we only get one shot at it so we have to do it right. Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety moments before he’s hit with a forty-foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now, that’s real acid, so I want to see goggles, people!” Fallout Boy has disappeared from the set, however, and film star Rainier Wolfcastle is promptly carried away by a titanic wave of acid whilst screaming the above.
When to use: After a brutally ugly play, particularly if said play was the result of someone simply not showing up. Alternatively, this can be used as a catchall phrase whenever you see anything unpleasant (ex. Charlie Weis in a jumpsuit).
Example: During a crucial third and long your team’s offensive tackle throws a “lookout!” block. Result: sack. You: “My eyes… the goggles, they do nothing!”
Notes: A thick German accent helps (Wolfcastle is a parody of the Governator). Also, if an obvious pattern of suckitude from one particular player or situation develops it is acceptable to preempt said suckitude with “Real acid?”, a question Wolfcastle asks the director after the aforementioned instructions. Think deer in the headlights of a truck carrying acid.

Quote: “Well, actually, replace the word ‘accidentally’ with ‘repeatedly’ and the word ‘dog’ with ‘son’.”
Episode: “Marge in Chains” (5/6/93) [Can someone help me out with the exact wording for this quote? I’ve seen several versions.]
Context on the show: Marge is on trial for shoplifting and, as usual, the Simpsons hire wunder-lawyer Lionel Hutz, setting the stage for this classic exchange:

Hutz: Uh-oh! We’ve drawn Judge Snyder!
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well he’s kinda had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Hutz: Well, actually, replace the word ‘accidentally’ with ‘repeatedly’ and the word ‘dog’ with ‘son’.

When to use: Once full blown euphemism and/or sugar coating stage begins. Especially useful during halftime and postgame interviews. Verbatim quotage is discouraged – replace words in question with suitable terms.
Example: Coach: “I think we’re playing real good. We just gotta come out firing in the second half.” You: “Well, actually, replace the words ‘real good’ with ‘like Frenchmen’ and the words ‘come out firing’ with ‘figure out a way to flee the stadium without anyone noticing’.”
Notes: Hand wringing is a must.

Quote: “Sex Cauldron?! I thought they closed that place down.”
Episode: “Grade School Confidential” (4/6/97)
Context on the show: Principal Skinner and Edna Krabappel are about to be fired from Springfield Elementary for their budding personal relationship. When Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel try to explain to a mob angry at the thought of love in its schools the prudish Maude Flanders stops them with, “Excuse me Edna, I don’t think we’re talking about love here. We’re talking about S-E-X. In front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.” A nearby Krusty the Clown responds with the above (Krusty’s illiterate).
When to use: Whenever you hear the name of an obscenely obscure bowl game. Feel free to replace “Sex Cauldron” with the name of the bowl but be warned: shouting “Sex Cauldron” is extremely fun.
Example: Announcer: “And don’t forget to tune in to tomorrow’s Nissin Cup Noodles Bowl, sponsored by Centrum Multivitamins: ‘When you eat Cup Noodles, remember to take your A to Zinc!'” You: “Cup Noodles Bowl?! I thought they closed that place down.”
Notes: For a nice change try the following: replace “Sex Cauldron” with “El Paso”; laugh.

Quote: “Oh, look at me! I’m making people happy! I’m the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!”
Episode: “Flaming Moe’s” (11/21/91)
Context on the show: After Homer accidentally concocts a tasty new drink, his supposed friend Moe the bartender steals the recipe and passes it off as his own. Marge attempts to make her husband feel better by telling him, “Well, Homer, maybe you can get some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.” Cue the above from Homer.
When to use: During a sideline shot of a triumphant opposing player.
Example: The other team’s quarterback has just passed for his third touchdown and the announcers are singing his praises during a close up of him on the telephone with his offensive coordintor. You: “Oh, look at me! I’m making people happy! I’m the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!”
Notes: Extremely sarcastic dancing must accompany quote. Bonus points if performed in a bar, followed by turning to the nearest opposing fan and saying, “Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.”

Quote: “Hmm… Barney’s movie had heart, but ‘Football in the Groin’ had a football in the groin.”
Episode: “A Star is Burns” (3/5/95)
Context on the show: Homer finagles his way onto the jury of Springfield’s first ever film festival. The two chief contenders for the top prize, at least according to Homer? An Orson Welles-esque black and white masterpiece by town drunk Barney and a ten second clip of an old man getting hit in the groin by a football.
When to use: Triumphant coup de grace to any football related debate. Replace words as needed.
Example: Ohio State fan: “Troy Smith absolutely deserved the Heisman!” You: “Hmm… Smith had heart, but Darren McFadden had a football in the groin.”
Notes: Making a boink sound and clutching your crotch after delivery of line has the added effect of attracting nearby females.

Quote: “On closer inspection, these are loafers.”
Episode: “A Star is Burns” (3/5/95)
Context on the show: When Jay Sherman is cornered by action star Rainier Wolfcastle (Wolfcastle is angry about a negative review of his latest movie, McBain: Let’s Get Silly), the clever film critic notes the Teutonic bodybuilder’s shoes are untied, allowing Sherman to run away. The above quote is uttered by Rainier sometime later that night after hours of looking at his own feet.
When to use: Voiceover whenever officials are measuring for a first down.
Example: See above.
Notes: As with all McBain quotes it helps to have a strong Germanic accent. Place particular emphasis on pronouncing “these” as “zees”.

Quote: “I was saying boo-urns.”
Episode: “A Star is Burns” (3/5/95)
Context on the show: Mr. Burns’ pompous, bloated biopic is booed out of contention at the Springfield film festival. Smithers consoles him by telling him, “Uh, no, they’re saying ‘Boo-urns! Boo-urns!'” prompting Burns to ask the crowd if they were saying “boo” or “boo-urns”. The geriatric Hans Moleman is alone in picking the latter.
When to use: Someone offers an objection to the crowd’s booing.
Example: Announcer: “That’s one thing I don’t agree with, Jim. As a fan you should never boo your team. Never.” You: “I was saying boo-urns.”
Notes: Tremulous voice is a must; however, tasting like a peanut is not necessary.

Quote: “And on an extreeeeeemely suspicious play, the Raiders win!”
Episode: “Lisa the Greek” (1/23/92)
Context on the show: Turns out Lisa is a football odds picking machine. Homer is desperate for gambling tips so he asks her who she likes in the afternoon games: “Well, I like the 49ers because they’re pure of heart, Seattle because they’ve got something to prove, and the Raiders because they always cheat.” Cut to a shot of the Raider game, followed by the above quote.
When to use: In the face of an extraordinarily objectionable call, particularly if you believe the other team has an unsavory history. It’s best to leave “Raiders” in there as there aren’t many more insulting terms in football’s lexicon.
Example: LSU is flagged for a late hit on Brady Quinn even though he clearly still has the ball. You: “And on an extreeeeeemly suspicious play, the Raiders win!”
Notes: The announcer who says the above is named Brent; therefore, decorum and verisimilitude dictate that you be stinking drunk whilst emulating.

Quote: “Cincinnati by 200 points?!”
Episode: “Lisa the Greek” (1/23/92)
Context on the show: Professor John Frink has just created a highly sophisticated gambling computer and is eager to display its awesome predicting powers: “After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye, the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is… Cincinnati by 200 points!? Why, you worthless hunk of junk!”
When to use: Immediately after a talking head makes an outlandish prediction. Lee Corso will get some mileage out of this one.
Example: Corso: “I like the Bayou Bengals, but wow has that Notre Dame team got a lot of spunk! I’m going with the Irish by two touchdowns!” You: “Cincinnati by 200 points?!”
Notes: Following up with “voi!” and “glaven!” and other Jerry Lewis mannerisms earns you bonus points – but not 200 of them.

Quote: “We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”
Episode: “Marge Be Not Proud” (12/17/95)
Context on the show: In quite possibly one of the most hilarious rants ever, Homer chastizes Bart for shoplifting:

Homer: How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those “Police Academy” movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing! Did you?! Except at that guy who made sound effects. [Homer makes some and laughs to himself] Where was I? Oh yeah: stay out of my booze.

When to use: An angry outburst suitable for any ref faux pas (real or not) you can think of, this quote is just waiting for the day it can be used at a bar populated by a patron who likes to recite Jack Nicholson’s “You can’t handle the truth!” speech and a gentleman who does impersonations of “that guy who made sound effects”.
Example: See above.
Notes: It’s a mouthful. Take a shot before you decide to attempt this one.

Quote: “How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname?”
Episode: “Marge Be Not Proud” (12/17/95)
Context on the show: In quite possibly one of the most hilarious rants ever, Homer chastizes Bart for shoplifting:

Homer: How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those “Police Academy” movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing! Did you?! Except at that guy who made sound effects. [Homer makes some and laughs to himself] Where was I? Oh yeah: stay out of my booze.

When to use: During or after a play in which your team turns the ball over.
Example: Your quarterback plays for Jeff Bowden. Get ready to use this quote a lot.
Notes: It’s not quite as wordy as the previous one, but given the circumstances you’re better off just taking another shot.

Quote: “I think I know how a proton accelerator works.”
Episode: “Homer Goes to College” (10/14/93)
Context on the show: Homer fails a competence test at the nuclear power plant and is sent to college to learn how to do his job. During Nuclear Physics 101 the professor is explaining a particularly salient point when this exchange erupts:

Professor: This proton accelerator destabilizes the atom in this chamber here, then propels it —
Homer: Uh, excuse me Professor Brainiac, but I worked in a nuclear power plant for ten years, and, uh, I think I know how a proton accelerator works.

Homer then proceeds to irradiate the entire building.
When to use: As a stern rebuttal to the group of “experts” on TV endeavouring to explain a complex football strategy or concept. It is acceptable to truncate quote in order to involve “Professor Brainiac” portion.
Example: Expert: “The Tampa-2 is predicated on a middle linebacker with the ability to drop back and cover the middle of the field, preferably 12-18 yards downfield.” You: “Uh, excuse me Professor Brainiac, I think I know how a proton accelerator works.”
Notes: Promptly irradiating your bar or house is not recommended, but neither is it discouraged.

Quote: “Lousy Smarch weather!”
Episode: “Treehouse of Horror VI” (10/30/95)
Context on the show: Marge and Homer recount the tale of Groundskeeper Willie and the horrors that would later ensue:

Marge: [voice over] It all started on the thirteenth hour, of the thirteenth day, of the thirteenth month. We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.
Homer: [shivering, looking at the calendar] Oh, lousy Smarch weather.

When to use: When fickle fate has placed your team in a seemingly illogical choice of venue for a winter season football match.
Example: You find yourself in Detroit.
Notes: Bonus points if your team’s incompetence led you there.

Quote: “In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!”
Episode: “The PTA Disbands” (3/5/95)
Context on the show: Springfield’s kids are left to their own devices when the local elementary school’s teachers go on strike. Bart is up to sinister kite flying at night while Lisa is forced to apply her mind to seemingly intractable problems (Homer: “This perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster.”) Marge resolves to get the kids back in school no matter what it takes, and Homer agrees… but not before delivering a stern rebuke to his daughter in the above form.
When to use: Disbelieving retort to an opposing player’s seemingly impossible heroics.
Example: A stirring montage of the 2006 Rose Bowl between Texas and USC is played, with Vince Young featured heavily. You (actually, me): “In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!”
Notes: Any tears that follow are not the fault of the quote, just your (my) pussy willow little emotions.

Quote: “I’ve had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady!”
Episode: “The PTA Disbands” (4/16/95))
Context on the show: Lisa is concerned that the lack of schooling will hurt her chances to get into an Ivy League university, going so far as to note “At this rate I probably won’t even get into Vassar.” Homer is outraged she would even say such a thing and reproaches her with the above.
When to use: Whenever a team known more for their academics than their football is playing. Do not, however, replace Vassar with such a team. It will reduce the desired effect. And keep that “young lady” bit in there.
Example: Fellow fan: “Hah! I can’t believe we’re playing Vanderbilt!” You: “I’ve had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady!”
Notes: Imperious tone is a must.

Quote: “Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t strike: you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”
Episode: “The PTA Disbands” (4/16/95)
Context on the show: Lisa’s stance that the teachers have every right to stand up to management withers in the face of Homer’s more realistic take.
When to use: Deploy this quote whenever someone grumbles that a certain coach should resign.
Example: Craig James: “Ed Orgeron ought to be ashamed of the way he’s lead Ole Miss. Orgeron should resign immediately!” You: “Craig, if you don’t like your job, you don’t strike: you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”
Notes: If Craig James ever did say that, you wouldn’t have enough time to use the quote: the Orgeron hears all, and he does not forgive. Lemsday!

Quote: “Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.”
Episode: “Homer the Vigilante” (6/9/94)
Context on the show: Homer forms a vigilante group armed with moxie and sacks full of doorknobs. Local anchorman Kent Brockman asks him, “Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack-beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?” Homer, ever the shrewd PR man, responds with the above.
When to use: Curt dismissal of any stats brought forth to explain your chosen team’s impending doom.
Example: On screen graphic: “USC’s offensive stats vs. UCLA: 9 points, 35% third-down conversion, 55 yards net rushing…” You: “Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.”
Notes: Try leaving “Kent” in there. It’ll make things extra awkward when you realize not only does no one know what you’re talking about, they all think you’re making up random people to argue with.

Quote: “I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.”
Episode: “Bart Sells His Soul” (3/5/95)
Context on the show: After Bart bargains away his soul to best friend Milhouse for five bucks, he begins noticing his capacity for life’s color and excitement seems to be dwindling. Bart and Lisa watch an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, leading to this exchange:

Bart: I know that’s funny, but I’m just not laughing. [taps head]
Lisa: Hmm. Pablo Neruda said, “Laughter is the language of the soul.”
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

When to use: After an explanation from a nearby fan, especially if it’s one that you need in order to understand what just happened. Substituing “Pablo Neruda” with, say, “Barry Alvarez” is an acceptable modification.
Example: Rutgers fan: “I seriously doubt Greg Schiano is going to take any offer from anyone until Joe Pa retires from Penn State, so all those coach-less programs should just forget about it.” You: “I am familiar with the works of Greg Schiano.”
Notes: Deadpan delivery is key. Actually selling your soul often helps with this.

Quote: “Remember Alf? He’s back… in pog form.”
Episode: “Bart Sells His Soul” (10/8/95)
Context on the show: Bart tries to get his soul back from Milhouse. Unfortuntely, Milhouse sold Bart’s soul for pogs. Fortunately, one of those pogs has Alf on it.
When to use: Whenever a seldom seen person is mentioned during a telecast, particularly if his name is Trev Alberts. Which’ll never happen, since he’s dead to ESPN. Dead.
Example: Montage of past Purdue quarterbacks. You: “Remember Kyle Orton? He’s back… in pog form.”
Notes: Actually having a pog on hand results in bonus points, which are promptly lost for having pogs in the first place.

Quote: “You dial 9-1, and when I say so, dial 1 again!”
Episode: “Bart Sells His Soul” (10/8/95)
Context on the show: Bart comes knocking at Milhouse’s place at an early hour in an attempt to get his soul back. Milhouse’s grandmother is staying with the family, however, and she’s filled with panic at the thought of an emergency that would require such an early morning caller, prompting her to shout out the above.
When to use: Prior to any play or series with an especially bleak outlook.
Example: Kickoff.
Notes: Bonus points if you have a friend willing to say “No, you got the wrong number. This is nine-one… two” once the bad things start happening.

Quote: “You shot who in the what now?”
Episode: “Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two” (9/17/95)
Context on the show: Smithers accidentally shoots old man Jasper in his wooden leg. When Smither tries to apologize, Jasper – ever the sharpest bowling ball – responds with the Zen-koan above.
When to use: The opposite of the “proton accelerator” gambit. Use this when a complex explanation of football, football terms, football ideas or anything remotely polysyllabic involving football occurs.
Example: Talking head: “Of all the BCS computer components, perhaps none is more rigorous in terms of mathematics than the Colley Matrix.” You: “You shot who in the what now?”
Notes: Blank stare is a must.

Quote: “Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense!”
Episode: “Bart vs. Australia” (2/19/95)
Context on the show: The government of Australia wants Bart punished for a prank, and when Homer wants to know “What kind of a sick country would kick someone with a giant boot?” the U.S. delegate hushes them with the quote in question.
When to use: Once someone complains about the poor result of a punt or kick. Must be issued as a stern warning or not issued at all.
Example: You are watching a game involving Marcus Thomas. (Yes, it’s an iffy prospect as we never really know when he’ll be available due to hufflepuffing, but whatever.)
Notes: Extra fun can be had by playing knifey-spooney with the locals.

Quote: “You don’t win friends with sal-ad! You don’t win friends with sal-ad!”
Episode: “Lisa the Vegetarian” (10/15/95)
Context on the show: Bart and Homer’s catchy rebuttal to Lisa’s newly formed ideas about not eating meat.
When to use: After an opposing team fails to achieve a positive result while using an unconventional tactic: passing on third and short, punting inside an opponent’s thirty, opening up the second half with an on sides kick, etc. It is acceptable to replace “friends” and “salad” with suitable terms but be warned: this refrain quickly goes from catchy to not-so very quickly.
Example: The other team’s tightend drops the ball during a play action bootleg on third and one. You: “You don’t win games with pass-ing! You don’t win games with pass-ing!”
Notes: Using this quote without forming an uproarious conga line is a venal sin, and punishable by at least four bootings.

Quote: “Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.”
Episode: “Lisa the Vegetarian” (10/15/95)
Context on the show: Lisa tries to explain that she can’t eat pork anymore, but Homer’s not quite getting it:

Lisa: No I can’t! I can’t eat any of them!
Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
Homer: [chuckles] Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

When to use: Whenever someone is discussing the creation of a new organization, rule, system, etc. that is unlikely to happen due to college football’s inherent illogic. Also, keep the “Lisa”.
Example: Fan: “You know, I think BYU and Utah would make a great addition to the Pac-10. It’d be an amazing conference!” You: “Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical conference.”
Notes: Using this quote will make you want bacon. Then again, so will anything else so long as you’re a man. You’re a man, aren’t you?

Quote: “Life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead!”
Episode: “Homer and Apu” (2/10/94)
Context on the show: Homer offers advice to help alleviate Apu’s doldrums after he’s fired from the Kwik-E-Mart.
When to use: Non-sequitur suitable for any moment when you want to randomly juxtapose your current negative situation with your undying hatred of a particular program, player or thing.
Example: It’s a Monday. You: “Life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Notre Dame was dead!”
Notes: Using anything except “Notre Dame” in the above quote is highly discouraged.

Quote: “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, ‘never try’.”
Episode: “Burns’ Heir” (4/14/94)
Context on the show: Homer offers this very special advice after Bart fails – due in large part to Homer – in his audition to become Mr. Burns’ heir.
When to use: After a not-so-glorious defeat. Remember: speak directly at the players whether they’re on TV or the field.
Example: You are a Notre Dame fan at a bowl game involving the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. (In this case, special dispensation allows you to use this phrase before, during and after the match.)
Notes: For future psychotherapy fun, try saying this to your actual kids!

Quote: “Or what? You’ll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?”
Episode: “Burns’ Heir” (4/14/94)
Context on the show: Homer’s attempts to get his son back from Mr. Burns prove futile when the evil tycoon locks the door in his face, but not before Homer can utter this immortal battle cry.
When to use: As a foolhardy refrain in the face of inevitable destruction this quote is second-to-none. It’s especially useful when your team is down and an opposing fan is mocking their efforts. That’ll show him!
Example: Opposing fan: “Your quarterback better get his head out of his ass.” You: “Or what? You’ll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?”
Notes: Don’t even think about mentioning the robotic Richard Simmons. He’s like Beetlejuice: saying his name three times in a row will cause him to appear. And shake.

Quote: “You only call it a cow college because it was founded by a cow.”
Episode: “Faith Off” (1/16/00) [Thanks to HurricaneReuben of FootballHaven.org for pointing this out]
Context on the show: Homer and his friends are watching the local college football teams play in a rivalry game. As a graduate of Springfield University Homer is legally bound to make fun of his friends Lenny and Carl, both of whom root for Springfield A&M. Lenny defends his alma mater with the above.
When to use: Whenever anyone makes fun of a particularly agrarian or isolated university.
Example: Fan: “God those Aggies are such hicks! Their campus must be one big barn!” You: “You only call it a cow college because it was founded by a cow.”
Notes: Highly useful during Big 12 bouts.

Quote: “Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for Jefferson Airplane, which cleared the way for Jefferson Starship. The stage was now set for the Alan Parsons Project, which I believe was some sort of hovercraft.”
Episode: “Homerpalooza” (5/19/96)
Context on the show: Homer tries to explain the history of rock and roll to his kids.
When to use: While contradicting someone else’s earlier, seemingly correct explanation of some aspect of college football.
Example: Whenever anyone, anywhere tries to breakdown the history of the BCS.
Notes: If you can actually recite this quote verbatim, you deserve instant and generous fellatio.

Quote: “Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Ho-Ju!
Episode: “Marge vs. The Monorail” (1/14/93)
Context on the show: When a monorail is built in Springfield, Homer is (randomly) chosen to become its first conductor. Bart is suitably proud of his father, which prompts Homer’s question above.
When to use: Quote this directly to a nearby fan (any allegiance will do) after a succesful play from your team, taking care to substitute “Homer” and its first syllable with an appropriate name.
Example: Dwayne Jarrett scores a touchdown. You (aka me), to anyone willing to listen: “Do you want to change your name to Jarrett Junior? The kids can call you Jarre-Ju!”
Notes: Ohio State fans, remember: Ted Ginn yields “Ginn-Ju-Ju”!

Quote: “I think he’s a good man, I like him, I got nothing against him, but I’m definitely gonna make orphans of his children.”
Episode: “The Homer They Fall” (11/10/96)
Context on the show: Mike Tyson-based Drederick Tatum offers his take on his upcoming fight with Homer.
When to use: Whenever two opposing players are shown together in anticipation of a key matchup, and one of those players is better. Use this quote in a voiceover for the superior player. Utilizing Tyson’ distinctly timid voice is a must.
Example: Michigan All-American defensive end Lamar Woodley is shown in a split screen view with USC offensive tackle Kyle Williams. You (aka me) as Woodley: “I think he’s a good man, I like him, I got nothing against him, but I’m definitely gonna make orphans of his children.”
Notes: Kyle Williams is actually a father, so I kinda feel bad about this one. But not enough to edit it out.

Quote: “It’s an inanimate carbon rod!”
Episode: “Deep Space Homer” (2/24/94)
Context on the show: Homer has been plagued by an inanimate carbon rod (the rod was once employee of the month instead of Homer) and it doesn’t stop even after he stems the destruction of his space shuttle… by jury rigging the door shut with said rod. The rest of the astronauts, along with the American public, celebrate Homer’s hated enemy.
When to use: In praise of a walk-on or unheralded player doing something good. Especially useful if you don’t know that player’s name.
Example: Announcer: “And the punt is blocked! Someone got a hand on it, I think it was… let me check my notes here… it was #85!” You: “It’s an inanimate carbon rod!”
Notes: From now on you will find yourself referring to that particular player as “an inanimate carbon rod” no matter how much you try not to.

Quote: “The two sweetest words in the English language: de-fault! De-fault! De-fault!”
Episode: “Deep Space Homer” (2/24/94)
Context on the show: Homer is informed he’ll be America’s newest astronaut after leading candidate Barney Gumble lapses back into alcoholism, thus enabling a win by default.
When to use: If your team’s playing a traditionally bad program, or when your team beats a traditionally bad program. Unfortunately for you those two events don’t always come after each other.
Example: You are playing Stanford.
Notes: Using this chant before a game may jinx you. To ward off the effects of a curse simply sacrifice the nearest virgin – which, if you’re playing a traditonally bad football program and therefore a traditionally strong academic school, should be very near.

Quote: “That team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.”
Episode: “Team Homer” (1/6/96)
Context on the show: Homer describes the opposition from the previous night’s bowling league game.
When to use: Pretty obvious, isn’t it?
Example: See above.
Notes: Bonus points for referring to your children as “my weiner kids”.

Quote: “Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.”
Episode: “Bart the Lover” (2/13/92)
Context on the show: After Bart fakes love letters to his teacher as a prank, the family wonders how they’ll bring her down gently. Homer steps in with the announcement, “Sensitive love letters are my specialty!”, and pens the above.
When to use: A quarterback is pulled in favor of someone less sucky. The Reggie-Ball-clause allows this quote to be deployed no matter the status of Reggie Ball.
Example: Georgia Tech is playing a game of football. You: “Dear Reggie Ball, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.”
Notes: The faux consolation of this quote translates into real life. Try it on your significant other!

Quote: “Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back – or you can go out there and find your dog!”
Episode: “The Canine Mutiny” (4/13/97)
Context on the show: Bart is distraught after losing his longtime dog, Santa’s Little Helper. His father gives the above speech, fueling Bart’s inner fire and prompting him to do something about his problem.
When to use: It’s effective as an incredibly confusing halftime speech, but any inspiration provided will be lost on players who are rightly unaware of your existence. Still, the bar might appreciate it.
Example: See above.
Notes: Can be substituted for your quarterly financial report, but only once every third quarter or so. Any more than that and they’ll catch on.

Quote: “You couldn’t fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine!”
Episode: “So It’s Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show” (4/1/93) [Again, thanks to HurricaneReuben of FootballHaven.org for pointing this out]
Context on the show: Homer mocks Bart’s attempt at an April Fool’s joke.
When to use: After the failure of a trick play. Feel free to use it against both your team and the opposition.
Example: See above.
Notes: Electrified fooling machine research has come a long way since the nineties, so there may be hope yet.

Quote: “I’m sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they’re clearly not equal is called what again, class? ‘Communism’!”
Episode: “Last Tap Dance in Springfield” (5/7/00)
Context on the show: Lisa is distraught that her role in the upcoming school production will be “curtain puller”. When she objects her teacher responds with the above.
When to use: Whenever a pundit demands the BCS be revised in order to make more room for the mid-majors.
Example: Mark May: “They need to add four more BCS games and have all of those slots go to the Mountain West, and they need to do it now!” You: “I’m sorry, Mark, but giving everyone an equal part when they’re clearly not equal is called what again, class? ‘Communism’!”
Notes: Technically the “Communism!” part is spoken by Lisa’s classmates, but it’s pretty hard to get an elementary school class into a sports bar. You should still try, though.

Quote: “Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals!… Except the weasel.”
Episode: “Boy Scoutz ‘N the Hood” (5/7/00)
Context on the show: Bart joins the scouts after a wild, hazy night, and he wants out. Marge doesn’t agree, but Homer justifies Bart’s decision with the above nugget of wisdom concerning nature.
When to use: A fortuitous officiating mistake makes everyone in the bar hate you. Use this quote as your apologia.
Example: Your team is Oregon and you’re in the state of Oklahoma.
Notes: If the above example is your actual circumstance, follow up your declaration by throwing peanuts into the air as a distraction. Then run.

Quote: “Animals are crapping in our houses and we’re picking it up! Did we lose a war? That’s not America! That’s not even Mexico!”
Episode: “Trash of the Titans” (4/26/98)
Context on the show: The climax of Homer’s speech during his successful bid to become the sanitation supervisor of Springfield.
When to use: This is a final, drunken barrage in the face of your team’s ugly loss. Consider this the equivalent of shouting “Our pets’ heads are falling off!“: it doesn’t make sense, and it shouldn’t have to. Let the night’s long and painful toll seep into the last sentence before hurling your glass in a random direction and collapsing into the arms of the nearest female.
Example: The opposing team’s third string running back pops through your first team defenders on his way to an eighty yard score to make it 42-10. You: “Animals are crapping in our houses and we’re picking it up! Did we lose a war? That’s not America! That’s not even Mexico!”
Notes: Feel free to hum the Star-Spangled Banner as you lay in semi-comatose glory.

Quote: “To alcohol: the cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!”
Episode: “Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment” (3/16/97)
Context on the show: Homer’s triumphant final words of the episode after Springfield’s municipal prohibition is repealed.
When to use: At the end of every game, no matter the score. Emulating Homer by speaking your maxim from atop a noble stack of beer kegs is the surest way we know of to please the gods of college football.
Example: See above.
Notes: The truest thing any man has ever said.

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