A perfectly cromulent guide to using Simpsons quotes during bowl season

Ahhh, bowl season. Hah-hah if you’re not participating, hah-hah if you’re playing in something sponsored by the auto industry, hah-hah if you’re real confident your interim head coach’ll lead you to the promised land: bowl season is a time to reflect on the past dozen games, give thanks and, most of all, disparage everyone in sight including your own team. We do it out of love, but mainly out of a deep seated bitterness familiar to anyone who’s ever painted his face and gone “WHOOOOOO!” into the camera while holding up a single digit to indicate your belonging to a top ranked something or other. Bowl season also coincides with the holidays. As nearly every single study, report and source of scientific veracity tells us the holidays are a time of barely contained suicidal depression. It’s time to fight back that depression (Florida State, I’m lookin’ at you) with the best weapon we have: humor! And what better or broader avenue of humor do we have as red blooded Americans than The Simpsons? As demonstrated before, The Simpsons is Shakespearean in its ability to provide a quote for nearly every occassion. To that end, I present to you A Perfectly Cromulent Guide to Using Simpsons Quotes During Bowl Season, aka Several Awkward Moments at Your Local Bar.

(I’d like to take this time to thank the following: The Onion’s A.V. Club for giving me the idea way back when, SNPP for providing an invaluable time wasting resource, The Simpsons Gallery for the screen caps, and my two former roommates, without whom I might’ve learned something in college instead of just playing poker and quoting The Simpsons.)

(And my mommy. She doesn’t know anything about the show, but she’s still pretty cool.)

*****

Quote: “I sleep in a drawer!”
Episode: “A Milhouse Divided” (12/1/96)
Context on the show: Milhouse is concerned about his parents’ strained relationship. Schoolyard bully Kearney consoles him by saying, “Ah, you’ll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid, but he got over it.” Then his son, who’s a spitting image of dad, cheerfully pipes in with the above quote.
When to use: Whenever a coach or talking head is discussing a new wrinkle that hasn’t gone quite the way everyone hoped it would.
Example: Coach: “Well, Bob, some might say that the addition of elements of the spread offense to our packages might’ve led to that three hundred percent increase in fumbles, but they don’t take into account the extra six yards of rushing per game we’ve achieved.” You: “I sleep in a drawer!”
Notes: Must be said in happy, high pitched voice. In fact, only Ralph Wiggum‘s voice will do.

Quote: “My eyes… the goggles, they do nothing!”
Episode: “Radioactive Man” (9/24/95)
Context on the show: During filming of the climactic set piece in the action movie Radioactive Man the director gives the following instructions: “OK, listen up everybody: this is the hardest, most expensive scene in the movie, and we only get one shot at it so we have to do it right. Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety moments before he’s hit with a forty-foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now, that’s real acid, so I want to see goggles, people!” Fallout Boy has disappeared from the set, however, and film star Rainier Wolfcastle is promptly carried away by a titanic wave of acid whilst screaming the above.
When to use: After a brutally ugly play, particularly if said play was the result of someone simply not showing up. Alternatively, this can be used as a catchall phrase whenever you see anything unpleasant (ex. Charlie Weis in a jumpsuit).
Example: During a crucial third and long your team’s offensive tackle throws a “lookout!” block. Result: sack. You: “My eyes… the goggles, they do nothing!”
Notes: A thick German accent helps (Wolfcastle is a parody of the Governator). Also, if an obvious pattern of suckitude from one particular player or situation develops it is acceptable to preempt said suckitude with “Real acid?”, a question Wolfcastle asks the director after the aforementioned instructions. Think deer in the headlights of a truck carrying acid.