Tuscaloosa, Alabama – University of Alabama president Dr. Robert E. Witt couldn’t help smiling on Tuesday before his big announcement.
Said Witt: “Yeah, we shot for the moon.”
And hit it.
At a press conference held at Bryant-Denny Stadium last night Witt announced that college football legend and giant gestalt lion mecha being Voltron would coach the Crimson Tide, effective immediately. No details concerning the sword wielding robot’s contract were offered.
“We are immensely excited to begin a new era in Alabama football. Voltron is exactly the kind of coach the Crimson Tide faithful deserve, and our expectations for both the upcoming season and the years beyond are high. We believe we’ve taken a great step today in ensuring Alabama’s place in America’s toughest conference and amongst the nation’s elite football programs.”
“Ready to form Voltron! Activate interlocks! Dyna-therms connected. Infra-cells up. Mega-thrusters are go!” he added.
Alabama has been the focus of intense speculation ever since the firing of former head coach Mike Shula (26-23 in four years) on November 26. A wide range of high profile candidates were discussed by everyone from media pundits to fellow coaches to the notoriously passionate Tide fans themselves, including: West Virginia’s Rich Rodriguez, South Carolina’s Steve Spurrier, Louisville’s Bobby Petrino, the Miami Dolphins’ Nick Saban and Lion-O, Lord of the ThunderCats.
But the one hire no one thought possible was, as it turns out, exactly what the Tide got.
“Frankly, there couldn’t have been a better choice for ‘Bama or a worse result for the rest of the SEC. I guarantee the south is shaking tonight,” former ESPN analyst Trev Alberts said. Alberts, who is now doing commentary for his own media startup Albert & Albert, spoke from his new offices in a Quizno’s booth in Lincoln, Nebraska: “What Voltron brings to the table is an unwavering commitment to excellence, recruiting acumen matched by few, a first rate offensive mind and a big fucking sword. That’s a combination that’ll be hard to beat.”
Most experts had assumed the multi-colored defender of the universe could only be lured out of retirement by an offer from the NFL, the only arena in which Voltron was not successful. After a long and celebrated career in the college ranks – where he racked up 213 wins and four national championships over a period of twenty-two years with Syracuse, Texas A&M and Clemson – Voltron was fired by the Kansas City Chiefs after three tumultuous seasons as a pro coach. The blemish on an otherwise amazing career was followed by a period of complete media withdrawal. Since then the only news involving Voltron was a May 2005 skirmish with Prince Lotor, son of King Zarkon, ruler of the Drule Empire and Vice President of the NCAA.
Rumors that the Alabama administration had been seen meeting with Black Lion – the largest of the five feline mecha making up the roboticus corpus of Voltron – were dismissed by almost every media outlet in and out of state. When Shula was asked about these rumors before the Alabama-Auburn game he had no comment.
The university will pay the departing coach nearly $4 million in order to buy out the remainder of his contract, but there might be some lingering bitterness for the son of Don Shula.
“I wish Voltron good luck, but I’d like to see how he responds to people down here putting his house up for sale or calling in threats at three in the morning. Not even an intergalactic mechanized policing force of immense power and courage should have to put up with that,” he said.