Bruins harness Dorrellian geometry, turn corner 134th time
UCLA football, math grad students flying high; Rose Bowl filled to capacity*
*Dorrellian capacity allows for all percentages to approach one hundred
Westwood, Calif. – The twenty-fifth ranked UCLA Bruins are off to their first 3-0 start since the 2001-02 season, but thanks to third year head coach Karl Dorrell those numbers aren’t meant to be taken at face value.
Dorrell, the former Bruin wide receiver, was under the microscope after two years of mediocrity at his alma mater. The normally stoic coach was jubilant, however, at the press conference held on UCLA’s campus yesterday as he announced a breakthrough for the highly obscure fields of obstructional mathematics and UCLA football success.
“Today marks a great day in the history of this great university and its even greater football program. We have always had the tradition and the winning ways; poor refereeing and the peculiarities of the Rose Bowl’s localized gravity well have both contributed to our recent failures. But that day is over. Today, Dorrellian geometry enters the world,” Dorrell said.
According to athletic director Dan Guerrero, “Dorrellian geometry is to Euclidean geometry what sliced bread was to maggot infested ship’s tack. It so totally blows Euclid out of the water.”
In the revolutionary new model of how the physical world works, there are no such things as actual numbers. Indeed, the closer one approaches an actual number the more likely it is to turn into a ten win season. Spatial terminology, our concept of the world in regards to our understanding of physics, the winning percentage of Bruin football over the past century – all of these will have to be revisited.
“We are confident that, given the new parameters of this universal world view, UCLA athletics will be known for more than just John Wooden and the fantastic free pizza served at half time in the Rose Bowl parking lots. This is a big fat paradigm shift, suckers, and I’m talking to you [University of Southern California head coach and current owner of UCLA’s soul] Pete Carroll,” the ecstatic Dorrell shouted.
Carroll, who could not be reached for comment, has led neighboring USC to back-to-back national championships and is on track for an unprecedented “three-peat”. Some have speculated that laboring in the Trojans’ collective shadow has led both UCLA’s administration and fan base to new levels of desperation.
Guerrero disagreed about such sentiments.
“Sure, there were some that suggested maybe we pour some money into hiring a better coach or something instead of investing in theoretical mathematics. Of course those things were said. But what wasn’t said was, ‘Why don’t you guys bend the laws of nature and reality to make this program a success?’ And really, that’s what they should have been saying,” Guerrero said.
If Dorrellian geometry works as described, the 134th corner the Bruin program has just turned will not in fact lead directly back to its initial origin at x=abject and y=failure. Instead, the Bruins will somehow come full sixth dimensional circle, which the late Richard Feynman – one on America’s foremost scientific minds until his death in 1988 – once described as “totally b-tchin’ when you’re doing your taxes.”
This process lends credibility to Westwood’s collective hope that this season’s 3-0 start will bear no resemblance to previous beginning of the year successes the Bruins have experienced under the current coaching staff. Last season, Dorrell’s second, UCLA began 4-1 only to finish 6-6 with a loss to Wyoming, that program’s first bowl win in 38 years. In his rookie year as head coach the Bruins started off 5-2 only to begin a five game slide which included a 47-22 loss to archrival USC.
UCLA fans, despite the precedent of strong starts leading to disastrous finishes, maintained their unfounded optimism for months prior to Dorrell’s announcement. With this new evidence backing their claims some are starting to listen.
“Look, I know they played San Diego State, Rice and Oklahoma which have like two wins between them all, but that Feynman guy was smart as heck. If he says UCLA is great, that’s good enough for me,” Harris Poll voter, reality television and former pro-wrestling star Hogan said.
“So what if they beat a 1-2 Aztec team and a 1-2 Rice team? Does that lower their accomplishments? Did my beating Ted “The Million Dollar Man” DiBiase in Wrestlemania IV by using a chair lower that achievement? No and no,” noted the bandana wearing Hulkster.
When informed that the Bruins actually defeated a winless San Diego State and Rice team, in addition to a reeling Oklahoma squad who lost to TCU at home and needed a fourth quarter surge to defeat Tulsa in Norman, Hogan could only say, “I don’t know which one I’m more surprised at: that UCLA fans could be optimistic about wins over teams like these or that Oklahoma actual has a ‘W’.”
UCLA, which first began playing football in 1919, had been averaging 1.56 “turn arounds” a year until the recent breakthrough. Last Saturday’s win over the Sooners in Pasadena has sent Bruin faithful into a frenzy. The few experts who claim to actually understand Dorrellian geometry calculate that, at the going rate of transformation of the quantum landscape, Los Angeles will reach ninety percent “Bruin football town” status – otherwise known as Plaschke-Simers acute dementia – in approximately sixteen days.
“But you Trojans better get out before then,” Dorrell noted with glee, “because sixteen might as well be six or six-tenths thanks to me. I can’t wait to start applying this stuff to our national championship banners [sic].” Dorrell was presumably referring to UCLA’s sole football national championship in 1954 shared with Ohio State University.
When asked his opinion about the implications of recent events on his life and future, highly touted former Thousand Oaks and current UCLA freshman quarterback Ben Olson said , “So… I’m not starting yet?”