FAQ

What’s your name?

Jonathan Tu.

Hah. Tu. Anyone ever called you Too T-

Yes.

But I didn’t finish my question.

I know. The answer is still yes.

What does 82 Sluggo Win mean?

On October 15, 2005 top ranked USC traveled to South Bend, Indiana to take on number nine Notre Dame. With the Irish leading 31-28, no timeouts remaining and a 4th-and-9 from USC’s own 26 yard line, quarterback Matt Leinart stepped into the huddle and called a play. During USC’s timeout prior to that play, both offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin and quarterbacks coach Steve Sarkisian reminded Leinart that an audible to wide receiver Dwayne Jarrett was available. Leinart called for the audible, took the snap and lofted an improbable 61 yard pass to Jarrett that, four plays later, helped USC beat the Fighting Irish 34-31. The name of the play Leinart audibled to? 82 Sluggo Win.

Why is it significant?

As a lifelong agnostic I have waffled between two equally untenable positions: denying or believing in a God whose existence cannot be proven or disproven. I am still an agnostic, but on October 15, 2005, at approximately 7:00 PM Pacific Time, I knew one thing for sure: if there is a God, he is not a Notre Dame fan.

Equally untenable? Perhaps, but don’t you believe the burden of proof is on religion?

Hey, jackass, take your religion debate somewhere else. I’m here to talk college football.

Fine. You were the one who brought it up first.

But only to illustrate that one immutable thing which crystallized all the reasons I love sports, and college football above everything else. The moment Dwayne Jarrett caught that ball – and it was quick, but not quick enough for me to miss the fact that the window on Leinart’s throw was so incalculably small as to merit calipers – I was a changed man. I ran screaming into the street. I threw some grass at my Fighting Irish neighbor’s car. Then I ran back inside to witness the culmination of that thing which every fan waits for all his life: deliverance. I suppose I was Paul of Tarsus, and 82 Sluggo Win was my bolt of light.

Enough with the Biblical imagery, Mr. Take-It-Somewhere-Else. You have a blog already. Why a new one?

I seemed to write about college football, and USC especially, more than anything else. I figured I might as well admit that and adjust accordingly.

So what’s the deal with this blog?

This is going to be a place where I write college football fake news. Yes, it’s derivative. I will also editorialize. Facts will be rarely cited and when used, used sparingly: quite a few others have that logical analysis thing down already. I am also more than willing to address rumors (recruiting, scandals, coaching changes, etc.) and feel it’s my obligation – as a screaming maniac obsessed with college football – to do so with the candor and due dilligence you’d expect of your local homeless guy on the corner who screams about bugs. Bugs bugs bugs bugs BUGS bugs BUGS.

Are you going to have regular features like game previews, Top 25 lists, All-America teams, etc.?

Maybe.

Way to not waffle, Saul.

Fuck you. This interview is over.

*****

82 Sluggo Win caught up with Tu in Tampa, Florida, where he was staying as part of a 14 week, 25 game road trip during the 2007 season. Here’s the interview:

So. A college football road trip.

Yes.

Why?

I wished to compound my poverty by several orders of magnitude. Plus, driving 14,000 miles in my ’96 Maxima sounded like fun. I may even change my oil at some point.

Some people would question why someone who went to UC Santa Barbara would be such a big USC fan.

Are you one of them?

I think that was the gist, yes.

Who the hell cares if I attended UCSB? All I know is I camped out overnight on Colorado Blvd. in ’96 just to catch a glimpse of the Northwestern team I knew would be obliterated by John Robinson and Keyshawn Johnson. So that means several things: I’ve seen Northwestern in Pasadena for something other than a JPL seminar, I was a fan during Robinson’s second tenure at USC, I lie about knowing the outcome of games beforehand. Incidentally: o-le, o-le o-le o-le, Gau-chos, Gau-chos.

Bandwagoner.

Are you sure there aren’t two “r”s in that word?

You would know.

Shouldn’t you be asking me about my trip?

What are your thoughts on Mark May?

He makes me poop my pants, if “poop” means “vomit” and “pants” means “soul”. But even if they don’t that statement probably holds true. Incidentally, what does that have to do with my trip?

Hey, who’s asking the questions here?

Are you accredited?

What? Yeah, sure. Of course. Of course. [Pause.] Why?

This interview is over.

2 responses to “FAQ

  1. BeauDemon

    I think you asked these questions to yourself you fucking liar!

  2. The files are in the computer?!

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