Dirk Koetter’s wife names Dennis Erickson as starting husband

TEMPE, AZ – Former Arizona State head coach Dirk Koetter’s wife, Kim, announced that current ASU head coach Dennis Erickson would be her starting husband. The decision comes less than 24 hours after the Koetters renewed their marriage vows in a private team ceremony.

Dirk Koetter, left, is reportedly “confused” and “devastated” by the switch, and is expected to transfer to a new location in a few weeks. Speculation is centered around nearby Scottsdale where Koetter would have a good shot at becoming a starting significant other after sitting out the NCAA-mandated one year transfer period.

“I’m sorry for the way this had to happen but this is the right decision. It took me a long time to make, longer than it should have. The repercussions and the responsibility are mine. This is on me,” Kim Koetter read from a statement.

“I just hope we can put this past us and get ready for the 2007 redecorating season,” she added. “I feel that we have a promising team of drapes and accented furniture, and I look forward to what Dennis can bring to the table with his proven leadership abilities and his paycheck. Hopefully some kind of centerpiece of cut crystal. A decanter, perhaps.”

The husband switch comes on the heels of one of the nation’s most highly anticipated marital battles in several seasons. As the initial starter many figured that Dirk Koetter would have the edge, but Erickson’s numbers (148-65-1 in 18 years as a college head coach, an undisclosed salary from ASU) beat out Koetter’s (66-44 in 9 years, a non-existant salary from ASU).

At least, that’s the current story.

Prior to yesterday’s reversal, the Koetters had made a highly publicized decision to re-commit to each other after it was determined that Dirk was the right choice. Said Kim at the time: “Dirk is my man. He’s the leader of this team, and he proved it in the most important place of all: in the living room, every day, working hard, moving couches, switching the TV from cable to DVD mode. This has nothing to do with Dennis not being good enough and everything to do with Dirk winning the job.”

Kim on the new depth chart: “This has nothing to do with Dirk not being good enough and everything to do with Dennis winning the job.”

Senior ASU wide receiver Rudy Burgess was not surprised by the decision.

“The team’s really got around [Erickson]. We could’ve given up when Coach Koetter went down, but Coach Erickson’s got what it takes. It’s almost as if leading us is his full time job. I can see why [Kim Koetter] would do what she did,” said Burgess.

Shortly after replacing Koetter new head coach Erickson defied the odds and the naysayers by rallying the Sun Devils and leading them to a successful re-watching of their recent bowl loss.

“We watched the shit out of that thing,” Burgess said of the 41-24 loss to Hawai’i.

Continued Burgess: “I’m not even going to go into who should be coach. I’m just a player. That isn’t up to me. If you’re going to talk about who’s better, who’s the better coach, well then you might as well start talking about who’s the better quarterback or something stupid. There’s no point.”

Burgess’s calls for moderation in response to the decision, however, did not stop rampant rumors about the reason for the husband switch. Several fan websites have speculated that Kim Koetter really was content with her choice of Dirk Koetter as starting husband until she found out about the latter’s substance abuse, specifically the heavy consumption of alcohol. Many believe the alcohol abuse led to several years of inflated confidence and un-realistic expectations for Dirk Koetter and ASU, with each season almost always ending in disappointment and poor performances in the spotlight.

The Sun Devils are currently serving a one year ban from pre-season Top 25 lists after drug tests revealed the presence of epically-stupid-interception-throwing substances in Koetter’s urine.

“That stuff was eating him up inside,” a source close to the program said. “We all love Coach Koetter, so the best thing to do was to make the switch as quickly as possible. Kim really took the blame on this one, but if you knew anything about the situation you’d know she had no other choice. It’s really all for the best.”

“Go Big Red!” the source added.

Many alumni and boosters are already calling for Kim Koetter’s resignation.

“How the hell are we supposed to compete if the wife of our ex-coach becomes the ex-wife of our ex-coach in order to get hitched to our current head coach? This is bush league, high school stuff. There’s no way that stuff should be happening at this level,” one fan wrote in an email.

Erickson, however, is simply glad he was the one picked.

“I’m blessed. I’ve always believed that hard work and skipping town when the skipping’s good will always pay off, and they have for me. I’d also like to thank my musk,” Erickson said.

Despite the setback, a recent survey showed Dirk Koetter still enjoys a nearly 60 percent approval rating in the Koetter household.

8 Comments

Filed under Fake news, Pac-10

8 responses to “Dirk Koetter’s wife names Dennis Erickson as starting husband

  1. SMQ

    This is very good, Tu.

  2. “Despite the setback, a recent survey showed Dirk Koetter still enjoys a nearly 60 percent approval rating in the Koetter household.”

    Wait…for that number to be even remotely possible, Dirk needs to have had at least five children, which means he knows how to get freaky with Mrs. Koetter. I think she made a huge mistake.

  3. SMQ

    Oh, yeah. He’s right. You suck, Tu.

  4. “Nearly” 60 percent, people. Has no one here heard of margin of error in Gallup polls?!

  5. “Nearly” 60 percent implies greater than 50 percent, but less than 60 percent. To get that number you need a minimum of 7 test subjects. This means Dirk Koetter, Mrs. Koetter, and at least 5 kids. This would make his approval rating about 57 percent. It also makes him a veteran of the game, if you know what I mean. I’m not even sure Dennis Erickson HAS kids. I stand by my analysis.

  6. He’s got four. But pets are members of the Koetter household too, you unfeeling swine.

  7. Who did this poll? Cesar Millan?

  8. BeauDemon

    Fuck Cesar Milan in his crackpot ass, he deserves to get bit by every dog he touches. The only time that show is worth a damn is when a dog gets gums deep in that shithead doughboy. O yeah I mean Ummm…Football yeah.

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