Fucking USC signs another goddamned top-ranked recruiting class

LOS ANGELES, CA – The USC Dickwads capped their fifth straight double digit win season under head liar Pete Carroll by signing another goddamned ridiculous top-ranked recruiting class on National Letter of Intent to Sell Your Soul to the Condoms Day.

Sources say Carroll, above, uses the same methods for both cheerleaders and blue chip recruits: charm and Rohypnol.

Though the Florida Gators were ranked number one by both Scout and Rivals – two of the biggest recruiting services in the nation – media giant ESPN proclaimed USC’s class as tops. And that means validity for the attention starved and little known Trojans.

“Scout blah blah Rivals blah blah blah. We’re ESPN. [Rivals recruiting analyst] Jeremy Crabtree can lick my sack and grab me a danish, because what we say gets heard by a million people for each of their manic-obsessive recruiting freaks,” Scouts Inc. national director of recruiting Tom Luginbill said.

Luginbill continued: “The Trojans really added firepower offensively and defensively with running backs Joe McKnight and Marc Tyler, and defensive end Everson Griffen and linebacker Chris Galippo. We’re gonna go out on a limb and say that USC is going to be really good at football for the next few years.”

“You can’t stop watching ESPNU, can you you poor fuck? Today you are at my mercy. I laugh at the piecemeal destruction of your soul,” he added.

Louisiana State recruiting website Tiger Rag’s Matt DeVille was not surprised by ESPN’s ranking of Southern Cal’s recruiting class, noting that the list of gullible blue chip recruits foolish enough to sign with Sodom and Gomorrah looked “like a death row of our best, our brightest stars. Those poor fools.”

McKnight, a Louisiana native, chose the Trojans over LSU on signing day.

According to DeVille, “Carroll can lie like a greased up weasel in a corner. I’m talking those Pixar weasels, the really talkative ones. Add that to the knobcockery going on between ‘The Worldwide Leader in Sports’ and USC and you get a top-ranked recruiting class.'”

DeVille cited USC’s running back situation as evidence that the nation’s best recruits appear to be “on fucking crack and glue and illusions made of stupidity and cotton candy, goddamn shitass, what the fuck was McKnight thinking?”, adding that Carroll’s prowess at selling his program’s infernal temptations have damned more souls than all of Hollywood.

“Just think about it,” said DeVille. “You’ve got five star running backs like Stafon Johnson, CJ Gable, Allen Bradford. Add in four stars like Emmanuel Moody and Michael Coleman. And they sign the top two rated running backs in McKnight and Tyler? And another four star guy named Broderick Green? And their starter is probably going to be redshirt senior Chauncey Washington? Is Carroll telling these kids USC gets four balls on offensive plays now? Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They’re the same face! Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!”

NCAA officials confirmed that USC’s recruiting day haul makes them eligible for at least three more years of juvenile malpropisms, preserving the nation’s ability to refer to the Trojans as “SUC”, “Toejams”, “Condumbs” and “stupid shithead Gucci fucks”.

18 Comments

Filed under Fake news, Recruiting, SEC, The Media, USC

18 responses to “Fucking USC signs another goddamned top-ranked recruiting class

  1. thamiam

    “Jeremy Crabtree can lick my sack and grab me a danish”

    Damn, that’s funny. I think my e-mail account just got itself a new signature.

  2. trojan Dave

    You can add to De Ville’s joy by telling him reports indicate Mitch Mustain is visiting SC in a week or two. That should make him chew on a few rusty nails…

  3. BeauDemon

    With all the gorgeous girls at USC, I was expecting a little higher quality on the cheerleaders. Where are the song girls when you need them?

  4. Wait until the white trash from Geighensville FL see this. You will need a special website cookie that will block those dumbass rednecks from coming here. They will cock and jock block any good discussion

  5. You better not be talking bad about Rivals

  6. Pete Carroll revealed “Magnum” to his recruits just this year. He didn’t think it was ready until now. That’s the only reasonable explanation. Let’s hope he will also use Magnum for good, like in stopping shurikens from KILLING THE PRIME MINISTER OF MALAYSIA!!!

  7. Your Friend William

    You guys only got Rojo cause his mom is psychotic. But I will say this—thank god he is playing reciever for you guys. If he ended up becoming a Champ Bailey-type, and I had to endure four years of our corners recieving Mark Sanchez-levels of reaming, I’d cry.

    By the way, probably going to UM Law. So maybe you want to plan that into your crazy fall itinerary.

  8. YES. Fuck Harvard law. No one’s heard of it. Tickets to the BIG HOUSE. WOO. You owe me at least one Ohio State-Michigan seat. Screw your dad, he’d just capitulate to the Viet Cong and wear a Buckeye shirt.

  9. Zoolander=Carroll
    A Fat Mugatu=Charlie Weis
    Ballstein=Lou Holtz (who first hired Carroll in 1977)
    Hansel=???

  10. Hansel is immaterial. Billy Zane is the only question.

  11. I Like FuFu Drinks and Carne Asada

    Does DeMille have Dr. Boudreaux on speed dial?

  12. BeauDemon

    Fufu drinks and carne asada?! Is that Cahill?

  13. No, that’s not Cahill. That’s probably a car salesman who never shows up to meetings. Mensch these days!

  14. I Like FuFu Drinks and Carne Asada

    That would be Car Pimp to you.
    I don’t sell…I provide a unique buying experience.

  15. Rash

    Billy Zane = Oklahoma

  16. You mean:

    Billy Zane = Reggie Theus (in the coaching business, but not an enemy, just a very cool cat)

    http://images.sportsbybrooks.com/5/c/5c56201dcc655d16b1dd3fd5d0d7eb41_reggietheusposter.jpg

  17. Matt Deville

    Love having my name used in an article of such prestige. Made me laugh out loud actually.

    To tell you the truth, I actually laughed louder at this brilliant piece of journalism than the night that USC lost to Stanford!

    It was sooooo funny because they had all those five-star running backs.

    Fight On!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s