Bowden fires eBay

TALLAHASSEE, FLA. – The online auction service eBay was fired yesterday by Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden, who cited a difference in philosophy as the main reason for the surprise termination.

Said Bowden: “We saw things a little bit differently, me an’ eBay. I’m more of an old school guy, and he wanted to do things I wasn’t comfortable with. And if there’s one doggone thing I’ve learned in thirty years of coachin’ it’s that you gotta steer with your own gut. I did that, and that’s why eBay’s got his papers.”

Bowden, above, angrily gestures for eBay’s immediate dadgum exit.

The announcement was unexpected given that eBay is a web-based auction house catering to millions of customers with a user-offered selection of collectibles, antiques, electronics, furniture and other miscellaneous items and services. The $4.55 billion earning company is also the owner of Skype and PayPal, two of the internet’s hottest properties. Though sports memorabilia are sold through eBay – many of them college football based and some of them probably having to do with the Seminoles – there wasn’t a direct connection between the NASDAQ traded internet company and Florida State until Bowden’s scathing critique of the treatment of his son and former FSU offensive coordinator Jeff Bowden, who resigned on Nov. 14.

“You all ignited it,” Bobby Bowden said to a small room of reporters during a November press conference explaining the resignation. Bowden was speaking of the growing controversy over his son’s handling of an offense that went from one of the most dominant in college football to 2006’s total offensive ranking of 70th in the nation. “You listen to eBay and e-mail and all that junk, and you all kept writing about it and that fans it and makes it grow and grow, and it becomes a cancer. That’s why.”

The outburst took many by surprise, but not all. Recently re-hired linebackers coach and assistant head coach Chuck Amato said he wasn’t shocked by the firing, and noted “eBay had it comin’.” Amato, known as “The Chest”, even took the opportunity to use eBay’s firing as an example of the passion still left in the seventy-seven year old Bowden.

“Sure, he could’ve pussy-footed around and kept eBay for years and years in an attempt to put off the inevitable. But that ain’t what he did. What he did was what happened, which was the firing of eBay. That’s Bobby for you, the old rascal. He’s still got some fire in him,” Chuck Amato’s left breast said. Amato’s left mammary was assistant co-distraction with Amato’s right bosom at North Carolina State until Nov. 26; the two served under both Bowden and a floating pair of ruby tinted sunglasses during their time at Florida State from 1982 to 2000.

Chuck Amato’s pectorals, left, and Bowden discuss what to do about the harm a series of tubes is doing to the game.

A source close to Bowden said that although there was indeed a difference in philosophy between the iconic FSU coach and eBay, it was the latter’s decision to go to the press with information that “should have remained in house” which caused Bowden to initiate the termination.

“In football nothing goes outside the locker room. There’s a trust there that things said inside the locker room are kept there, and when that trust is violated – especially with someone as old school as pappy – the reprecussions are swift. When you sell information like eBay did, you’re really just selling yourself out,” the source said.

When asked if he tried to inform Bowden of the non-humanoid nature of eBay, the source declined to comment, citing a busy schedule with ESPN Florida Radio’s The Terry Bowden Show.

Though many college football experts are unsure how eBay’s firing will affect the 2007 season, some are calling it an early sign of FSU’s return to prominence.

“The Seminoles are my pre-season pick for number one,” said ESPN college football analyst Desmond Howard. “They’ve got the offensive fireworks, the personnel, the schedule and that certain indefinable it. I wasn’t so sure about that last one until Bobby showed he isn’t just a figurehead wandering around on the sideline. He ain’t lost. He’s still as sharp as ever, and he got rid of the one thing holding the Seminoles back: Texas.”

Howard later apologized for his error in confusing eBay with the University of Texas, but stuck to his prediction of FSU as number one.

“And you might as well write [former Seminoles tailback] ‘Lorenzo Booker’ on that 2007 Heisman Trophy. It’s his, baby. ‘Book’ it!” added Howard.

17 Comments

Filed under ACC, Fake news, The Media

17 responses to “Bowden fires eBay

  1. oldschoolcane

    I wouldn’t be surprised to see this actually happen. Fuck FreeShoesUniversity.

  2. Keep making other coaches look like idiots. I admit that it is easier for some than others but I will rise to the top…again…like I did in Miami.

    Everyone has already forgotten what I did. Do you remember my sins?

  3. You guys are all bitter cause you stunk it up big time this year. I mean you guys had a major meltdown in the middle of the season against who? Who was that school you guys so PASSIONATELY fought on the field? Oh yeah, St. Mary’s School for Wounded Nuns, or something like that. You guys are just mad. We’ll beat you again this coming year. Count on it. And get yourself a REAL mascot. That duck looks stupid.

  4. Pingback: Orange and Blue Hue » No Deal for FSU and Ebay

  5. Apparently you haven’t heard that the internet is not a truck for you to dump your opinions on, man.

  6. You’ve got a nice sports log here. I like it.

  7. BobbyBowden

    I ain’t gonna stan’ fer these here doggone lies, you hear me? Ain’t no dadgum way it’ll fly. We just need to git back t’playin’ old fashioned footbaw, or the doggone dadgums’ll be running this state and country ‘fore you can blink a gosh darned eye.

    Nappy time. Where’s my lemonade?

  8. BeauDemon

    Have you ever tried to anthropomorphize a hurrricane?! They tried it in Carolina, and now Mark Messier’s retired. I hope you’re happy.

  9. sandy

    Is Amato wearing a bra in that picture? Or should I call it a “bro”?

  10. Four things:

    1. Chuck Amato is a woman. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Not only is he suspiciously top-heavy, his extremely high-pitched voice gives him away. That’s why even my man John Bunting could crush him with Joe Dailey at QB.

    2. When Bobby Bowden retires, he is going to announce that his heir apparent is Joe Paterno. I guarantee it.

    3. Seriously though, adding Chuck Amato back to Bowden’s staff throws something bad into the primordial soup of who’s next in line at FSU. Amato and Mickey Andrews will now be at each other’s throats for the job like punters in the Big Sky conference.

    4. It doesn’t matter who gets put in charge at FSU, Urban Meyer is going to beat him anyway.

  11. everyone has probably already seen this at edsbs.com but FSU can get their swagger back if they do more stuff like this

  12. trunole

    mike white you’re a dumbares…. well.. i’m just gonna point out #3
    “3. Seriously though, adding Chuck Amato back to Bowden’s staff throws something bad into the primordial soup of who’s next in line at FSU. Amato and Mickey Andrews will now be at each other’s throats for the job like punters in the Big Sky conference.”

    mickey will retire with bobby..no way he takes a head coaching job and risk his reputation
    amato won’t get a HC job… we all saw what he did at NC state.. we don’t want fsu to turn into that…
    btw, jimbo fisher is now the front runner

    ..and don’t get too confortable with urbie..he’ll start crying sooner or later

  13. Anyone who thinks Mickey Andrews would accept the head coach job after Bobby leaves just doesn’t know Noles football. Mickey is loyal to Bobby and knows he’s not head coach material. And as for Amato……yeah, we wouldn’t hire him anyway. And why are we suddenly talking of Bobby’s retirement? He’s still got a few good years left in him. Leave the old guy alone and worry about your own problems, like how the canes are going to salvage their image after last year.

  14. Pingback: Orange and Blue Hue » Site Down Due To Exceeding Bandwidth Limit? Try Again!

  15. Wow. Both a Big Sky AND a Mickey Andrews reference. Esoterica, here I come.

  16. Pingback: Paterno, Bowden to star in “zany” Uwe Boll adaptation of Half-Life « 82 Sluggo Win

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