Monthly Archives: January 2007

I got nuthin’

No new material. Instead: links.

Still no word from Tressel’s World. Diagnosis: malt liquor, quaaludes, cave.

Brian is furious, and there’s smashed Oreos and upended calipers to prove it. I don’t know per se that Brian is an Oreo kinda guy, but I get a kick imagining him reading an article about Michigan’s twelfth opponent and, just as he’s twisting off one half of a cookie, he spots the blurb about how “[The Wolverines] need eight home games in order to pay the bills”.

Both Black Shoe Diaries and There Is No Name On My Jersey have odes to Tony Hunt. I didn’t need to read them to feel better about my choice of Hunt as the first running back recipient of a Creedy, but occasionally it’s nice to put aside hatred and witness an un-affiliated fan’s unabashed love for another man and the way that man carries his ball.

Part one of Orson’s recruiting two-headed monster. Part two will undoubtedly include a Konami video game reference. Also by Orson: tattoos, and why you shouldn’t get them. That’s actually not what the thing is really about but after seeing yet another goddamned tribal tattoo and koi tattoo on the same person that’s what I’m stressing to the world. Stop it. Please. For the children.

We the college football fanatics of the world are now unfortunately well versed in trying to gather legal advice and knowledge – piecemeal and from sources that very often contradict each other – simply because our beloved rosters have been put in cuffs more times than we’d like to think about. Then there’s Cal fans. Yeah, Marshawn Lynch is dealing with the aftermath of extralegal affairs right now (could any man who does this commit evil? I’d like to think not), but I’m talking about Cal fans having to dig up lawyerish speak and rationale in confronting their latest problem: trees.

Yost likes tanks.

You really should read SMQ’s interviews with Arrelious Benn and Colt Brennan. Also: President Carpenter’s speech.

Provo Pride is conducting what has got to be one of the most impressive features I’ve ever seen: a player by player retrospective of every single BYU recruiting class of the past decade. ’96 and ’97 are already done, and 1998 is now being served. Revel in the admirable and scary obsessiveness. Just don’t count on Provo Pride making it all the way to 2006 before signing day, as originally advertised.

Conquest Chronicle takes a look at the latest iteration of Bushgate and concludes that everything is still status quo: nobody makes a move for the fence until the spotlight cycles through! Alright, maybe that’s not what they concluded but that’s my advice.

If there’s one thing I’m not tired of, it’s Auburn’s claim to the 2004 championship. Let me cue up a Dodge Ram commercial and grab me some McDonald’s because I’m lovin’ it! Bada-dah-DAH-dah.

loserwithsocks one ups the Emory and Henry. Florida hate still nearing Chernobyl levels, but might taper off soon to mere Three Mile. (Beat.) Nah.

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Filed under Miscellaneous

Nutt’s plan to “surge” into Mustain household with 20,000 Razorback fans met with skepticism, Senate opposition

SPRINGDALE, AR – New polls are showing an abysmal 13 percent approval rating for University of Arkansas head coach Houston Nutt’s latest plan to “surge” 20,000 Razorback supporters into the home of former quarterback Mitch Mustain in an effort to keep the embattled Springdale household from succumbing to sectarian pressures.

Nutt, center, explains the principles behind his “surge” plan.

After former Springdale High head coach Gus Malzahn was fired from his position as Arkansas offensive coordinator, Mustain asked to be released from his scholarship with the Razorbacks. The entire state was thrown into turmoil and, though school officials strongly oppose the use of the term, civil war now seems inevitable.

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Filed under Fake news, Recruiting, SEC, USC

Seasonal Haiku: Post-bowl, pre-NLOI Day

I’m not the first to do a college football related haiku. There have been many, many others. I’m just the worst.

*****

It’s easy as pie
Ma Teresa would leave, too
I’m gonna get paid
-Adrian Peterson

Barely beat Wofford
And Augusta still no-go
Time for new visor?
-Steve Spurrier

Hot damn, beat ‘SC
It’s contract extension time
Cue seven more L’s
-Karl Dorrell

Good season, Satan
Planning almost completed
Last thing: Jade Monkey
-Myles Brand

RoJo to Gainesville?
The ledge is cold but soothing
Go Big Blue swan dive!
-My Michigan friend

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Filed under Big Ten, Big XII, NCAA, Pac-10, Seasonal Haiku, SEC, USC

Barry Sanders switches commitment from NFL Hall of Fame to Meyer-led Florida

GAINESVILLE, FL – Florida head coach Urban Meyer notched another victory Saturday when legendary running back Barry Sanders decided to switch his commitment from the NFL Hall of Fame to the defending national champion Gators, marking the eighth time this season a recruit has chosen Florida after a previous agreement with another institution.

sanders

Sanders, center, accepting the MVP award at the Army All-American game in San Antonio, TX. At the time Sanders was firmly committed to the NFL Hall of Fame.

“Coach [Meyer] convinced me the University of Florida is the right place for me. I mean no disrespect to the Hall of Fame, the city of Canton, the state of Ohio or anyone else, but I had to do what was right for me. I couldn’t sleep for a week straight, but when I made my decision I felt completely at ease with myself. I talked to my family and they said that I needed to do what was best for me,” Sanders said in a press conference aired on CSTV. The 38 year old member of the NFL 1990s All-Decade Team couldn’t suppress a smile when he put on an orange and blue Florida hat.

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Filed under Fake news, Notre Dame, Recruiting, SEC, USC

Sources say Carroll interviewing to be first guy in line to punch Reggie Bush’s stepfather in face

LOS ANGELES, CA – According to several sources USC head coach Pete Carroll interviewed yesterday for the first spot in a line that would ultimately lead to punching LaMarr Griffin in the face. Griffin – the stepfather of former Southern California and current New Orleans star tailback Reggie Bush – is in the middle of an ongoing investigation about receiving improper benefits during the 2004 and 2005 seasons while Bush was a key member of the Trojans’ run to two consecutive BCS title games. According to a close associate of Carroll, the Griffin-punching position is “exactly what Pete wants, the kind of situation he’s been very enthusiastic about from day one.”

Carroll, above, is 65-12 in six seasons with the Trojans.

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Filed under Fake news, NCAA, The Media, USC

Reggie Bush, stepfather invoke Fifth Amendment on sandwich bread choice

SAN DIEGO, CA – Current New Orlean Saints and former USC tailback Reggie Bush and his stepfather LaMar Griffin declined to answer a San Diego area Quiznos employee’s repeated inquiries about their choice in bread for the two’s recently ordered chicken carbonara sandwich combos.

After other customers began to grow angry with the prolonged silence, Bush’s attorney David Cornwall eventually settled on rosemary parmesan, but stressed that “nothing should be read into [his] client’s choice of deliciously flavored artisan bread”.

LaMar Griffin, right, silently indicates a preference for a panini-style sandwich during a September 2006 visit to a Los Angeles restaurant.

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Filed under Fake news, NCAA, USC

Ask Mike Bellotti: New Year’s Resolutions

By Mike Bellotti

Mike,

I’m a thirty-one year old female legal secretary. I’ve had weight problems all my life, but last year I finally followed through with my New Year’s Resolution to diet and drop some pounds. I went from a size seven to a size five. The problem now is that I just don’t feel like my old self; sure, I’m thinner, but my energy is gone and I really don’t enjoy watching every single thing I eat. I want to keep this weight but I don’t want another year of miserable calorie counting. Is surgery the right answer?

Sincerely,
Missing All those Doughnuts

We all wish we looked better, MAD. The problem for you isn’t so much the dieting, it’s your self-image. I get letters like this all the time and I tell them all the same thing: forget about the diets, the surgery, the carbs and the counting and just go out and get the shiniest new uniform you can find. I like bright yellow myself, but anything neon will work. Think in diametrically opposed color schemes: orange and blue, red and green, etc. Remember to accessorize. Nike has a new pair of football cleats coming out called the Nike VELOCITY ’07. We’ll get them in a hunter green and goldenrod combination, which would do wonders for you if you’re into the grey business suit look most legal secretaries sport. VELOCITY ’07s will give you height and really set off a skirt.

Mike,

I swore off smoking in January. I’ve been a lifelong smoker but my kids finally convinced me to do it after one of their best friends’ dad died of lung cancer last year. I love my family and I’m normally a pretty strong willed guy, but I smoked three days ago and it felt so good and bad at the same time. I’m afraid I’m going to let my kids down. What can I do?

Sincerely,
Still Moping Outside Greensborough

Quitting cigarettes isn’t easy, SMOG. Why do you think the tobacco companies are still turning profits? There’s no simple trick to doing it, except to wear a moustache. I had one and as soon as I shaved it off I got back on heroin after fourteen years off the smack. If you love your kids, SMOG, you’ll grow a ‘stache. And soon.

Mike,

So it’s the Colts and the Bears. Who do you have winning the Super Bowl? Just to make this New Year’s themed, my resolution was to stop gambling.

Thanks,
Looking For A Tip

Peyton Manning finally got over the conference championship hump. Look for him to have a big game on sport’s biggest stage. I also love that marauding Bears defense, especially the front seven. If I had to pick a team, though, I’d say neither. Their uniforms are too plain. A horseshoe and a big “C”? What’s that? That’s simplicity, and that’s never a formula for success. Look for the Bengals to take it all.

Mike,

I’m coming off an ugly divorce. It took three years to settle everything and I’m still bitter about the way it turned out. My best friends all want me to move on and I agreed, so I promised myself I would start dating. Unfortunately I’ve been “off the market” for so long I don’t know how to go about the whole process anymore. I’ve been on one date so far. It was the worst night of my life: the woman was incredibly boring, but I found myself pretending to be interested. She wasn’t even that pretty. I’m not a supermodel or anything but I think I deserve someone pretty good. How do I find that person, and, more importantly, what do I do on the first couple of dates to not screw everything up? I’m a charming guy with a good job and a lot of positives in my life; I just don’t know how to get that across during a dinner and a movie.

Thanks,
Super Hesitant in Yonkers

SHY, have you given any thought to different colors for your home and away helmets? If not, do so. There’s nothing sexier or more sophisticated. Not even Axe.

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Filed under Ask Mike Bellotti, Pac-10