Athens, Ga.- Apparently wishing to dispel years of speculation, University of Georgia head football coach Mark Richt left little room for doubt as to his stance in the long running and controversial breasts or ass debate after Monday’s press conference at Sanford Stadium.
“I’m most definitely an ass man,” Richt said.
Most analysts and critics were shocked that Richt – known as a relatively quiet bystander in the millennial old question of bum cakes or cans – would so decisively and unequivocally place himself in the backdoor camp. Richt (52-13 in five years at Georgia) was emphatic on Monday, however.
“I love the female derriere. If pressed, I’d have to say it’s what gets me up in the morning. I like them large and I even like them small. Every man can enjoy a double handful of bubble butt, sure, but it takes a discerning eye and a connouiseur’s knowledge to really appreciate the apple behind. I have that eye and I have that knowledge,” Richt said.
Richt is a staunch proponent of glutius maximus curvature.
Under his leadership the Bulldogs have consistently turned in some of the best seasons in the nation, winning two Southeastern Conference titles and playing for a third. Richt has done this with an eye towards solid defense and an offense predicated on interchangeability and productive depth. Since his hiring in 2001, Georgia has become a perennial popular pick to win the SEC East; so much so, in fact, that the question on many people’s mind isn’t so much how many games the Bulldogs will win but whether or not divisional rivals Florida or Tennessee can keep Georgia from playing in Atlanta, the site of the SEC’s annual conference championship game.
“At this point everyone sorta figures Georgia’s gonna get to ten wins at a minimum. When they don’t it’s a surprise, but seeing as they have going on four or five years now the right bet’s to always pick with ‘em and not against ‘em. Whether Mark was a tits or ass man, however, was something we were always asking each other,” ESPN college football analyst Mike Gottfried said.
“I used to always say, ‘Fellas, if I wasn’t such a raging drunk I’d have gone straight up to Mark and asked him to his face, ‘Are you a fan of the boobies or are you a fan of the rump, and don’t give me that rootin’ for both teams thing neither.’ Course, as I said, I am a raging drunk and I’d just as likely shine his shoes with my vomit as remember his answer.”
Though Richt was firm in his declaration of undying love for the female posterior, he was conciliatory towards the breast contingent on Monday.
“I wish to make this as clear as possible: I love breasts as much as the next guy. They are fabulous, wondrous creations, sculpted by the hand of God and the scalpels of the finest surgeons in our good country. As with asses, I enjoy them big and small. Not freakishly big, of course. I’m not asking for two full trash bags dangling off of some poor woman. I just want to make it perfectly clear that I am a fan of the torpedo look, the skittle tits, the high ones and the low ones, the saucer nipples and those awesome areolas that have that nib in the center. And side boobs. I’m definitely a fan of the side boobs,” Richt said.
“But when it comes down to it, I love ass. I love everything surrounding the ass: a nice toned stomach, long lean legs that curve slightly inward right near the top so that they have this kind of double tapered look and there’s that sort of ‘v’ shape inbetween….”
At that point in the press conference Richt paused for nearly half a minute, staring off into the distance with his right hand poised in a slight but definite cupping motion. When the attendant reporters started asking questions again Richt looked noticeably startled and resumed his presumably pre-prepared statement.
“Though I strongly believe in offensive and defensive balance, particularly on those ever critical first and second downs, I have chosen to cast my lot with the ass lovers of the world out of a sense of brotherhood and common understanding. Theirs is a plight I know all too well, and silence helps no one. The tidal force of heart stoppingly rounded cheeks is rising, but we have a long way to go to catch up to those who enjoy a great rack and perfectly presented cleavage,” Richt said.
“[Breast lovers] even have the ability to pluralize any noun to describe their favorite anatomical features: cans, trays, lamps, drawers, windows, monitors. It doesn’t stop at physical objects either, because they can refer to breasts as a fantastic personality, a great set of morals, efficiently conjugated verbs and so on and so forth. It’s a distinct advantage and while I don’t begrudge them that, I feel there is no shame in working towards equality,” he added.
Richt also noted that he is a happily married man and the proud father of four children, but that none of those things ought to mean his preference for the female rear end need go unvoiced.
“The day you stop looking is the day you die,” Richt said as his final statement.
Since Monday’s press conference sources have reported that Richt has been the lead singer for an alt-country band named the Downstair Dimples since 1995. Other members include current North Carolina State head coach and former Florida State defensive assistant Chuck Amato (drums), current Seminoles defensive coordinator and assistant head coach Mickey Andrews (slide guitar), current Florida State associate head coach Jim Gladden (lead guitar) and both Terry (bass) and Tommy Bowden (backup guitar). According to current Florida State offensive coordinator and Downstair Dimples understudy Jeff Bowden (backup vocals), the group only plays three songs: Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls”, Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love” and fictional rock group Spinal Tap’s “Big Bottom”.
“They’ve been working on [Sir Mix-A-Lot's] ‘Baby Got Back’ but the only one who could ever make that song work was [current Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden]. Poppa always did love his rear ends and it really showed in his music. Mark’s not there yet, but he’s damn close. Give him a decade or two more down in Athens and you’ll really be able to hear that deep down booty love that can only come from the soul,” Jeff Bowden said.