Jacksonville, Florida – Former UCLA tailback and kick returner and current Jacksonville Jaguar draft pick Maurice Drew was proclaimed as the messiah by the International Brotherhood of Shetland Ponies yesterday morning.
Drew running the ball against Oklahoma.
A Shetland pony, grazing somewhere in Sweden.
The announcement – held in the barnyard home of the IBSP’s council of elders in Kirkland, the administrative capital of Scotland’s Orkney Islands – comes four thousand years after the coming of the “Stumpy One” was first prophesied. Some experts argue that a miscalculation was made during the carbon dating of the Short and Squat Scrolls, the primary source of Shetland pony mysticism and scholarship. They maintain that the origins of the ancient prophecy can be traced as far back as 8,000 BCE when the Orkney Islands were still joined to Scandinavia, allowing the ponies there to migrate to their present location.
“The scientific community is divided as to the authenticity of that four thousand year old age, but it’s hard to dwell on an issue like that with this news. Whether you subscribe to their beliefs or not, it has to give you a chill just thinking about it. They’ve been waiting thousands of years without even once claiming a prophet. Not even a saint. And now they finally pick a guy? Even the scientist in me is saying, ‘Maybe they’re on to something here,’” University of Edinburgh professor and head of the Royal School of Veterinary Medicine Gordon Graham said.
“Just watching [the Shetland ponies] celebrate has been a joy for those of us who’ve worked with them. They’ve been through so much, through a long history of trial and patience. I say good on them! Plus, my American friends tell me [Drew] is a spunky player with a lot of heart. The Jaguars got a good deal in the second round, apparently.”
Both Shetland ponies and Drew have been the butt of jokes for their diminutive stature, yet they’ve been used as one of the primary animal workforces in Europe and miscellaneous yardage producers at UCLA, respectively.
Though the long, sad history of Shetland ponies stretches back thousands of years most historians agree that their peak period of suffering began in the mid-19th century when child labor laws were passed which prohibited minors from working in coal mines in both England and the United States. Since that day hundreds of thousands of “pit ponies” have spent the entirety of their lives working in the dangerous mines of interior Britain and the Virginias.
College football experts agree that Drew’s troubles first began when he commited to UCLA in 2003. The highly recruited multi-purpose player prepped at Concord De La Salle – a program with the longest winning streak at any level of football – and yet chose to become a Bruin despite the lack of tradition and a commitment to winning found at his former high school. In three years as a Bruin the 5’7″ tailback put up impressive numbers; however, all of this was overshadowed by neighboring Southern California and its Heisman winning tailback Reggie Bush. USC and Bush became the premier faces of college football, reducing the impressiveness of Drew’s accomplishments and going so far as to cause some to label the UCLA tailback with the moniker of “a poor man’s Reggie Bush”.
“Clearly they’ve both had a rough time of things: laboring in coal mines, putting up 20 touchdowns in one year and not even making a dent in the minds of anyone outside of Westwood, stuff like that. It’s good to see them finally together, working for each other. The Shetland ponies need Maurice, true, but I think somewhere deep down inside Maurice needs the Shetland ponies,” UCLA head football coach Karl Dorrell said.
“Still, it would’ve been nice to have had him back for his senior year. We can’t defend worth a crap, but with Drew in the game we sure knew how to randomly pull victories out of our ass. I can’t blame him, though: when a long oppressed group proclaims you as their messiah, you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do.”
Though the Short and Squat Scrolls have been studied for hundreds of years, few details have been gleaned concerning what would happen after the messiah was proclaimed. Non stop speculation has been swirling through the academic communities of Europe and North America, and even in east Asia Shetland pony strongholds like Tibet and northern China.
“We don’t really know what’s supposed to happen now. Some parts of the Scrolls hint at the messiah going up into the hills and coming back down after a fortnight with a method for making Shetland ponies taller. Or for making everyone else shorter. It’s all very ambiguous,” Graham said.
Drew, who was the fifth tailback selected in this year’s NFL draft, chose to address issues outside of his being chosen as the messiah of Shetland ponies.
“It just frustrates me sometimes because people tell me I can’t do it because I am short and that is why people think I can’t play at the next level. I played against the same talent everyone else did, and put [up] the same or better numbers,” Drew said.
“I should’ve been drafted ahead of Bush, period. And I think [UCLA] had the better team. You put us against the [New England] Patriots, and I’m still going to think we’ve got a chance to win,” Drew said.
“One well known property of messiah complexes is a complete inability to produce realistic assessments. This may explain Drew’s thinking concerning the UCLA Bruins beating the New England Patriots, but that’s a bit of a stretch. He said that way back in the off-season of 2005 and as far as I can tell he wasn’t proclaimed as a messiah until yesterday,” Cornell psychology professor Angela Gruenwald said.
“I mean, come on. I don’t know that much about football but there’s no way he was being ‘disrespected’ or anything. He’ll fill a special teams role for someone like [San Diego Charger tailback] Darren Sproles but he got drafted around where he should’ve been. Plus, what the fuck is that about UCLA beating the Patriots? When you give up fifty-two points to Arizona you’re probably not going to beat a team that’s won the Super Bowl three times since the start of this decade. Not even USC could’ve beat a pro team. A team that lost 66-19 to the Trojans sure as hell ain’t beating the Pats.”
“Good for him about the whole Shetland pony thing, though. We were all thinking it, so it’s nice to finally have it out in the open.”
Note: two of Drew’s quotes are actual, real quotes. Have fun figuring out which ones! Once you do you’ll be sure to laugh.