Monthly Archives: May 2006

Urban Meyer introduces new “leave before Chris Leak gets on the bus” offense

Gainesville, Fla. – After months of speculation, University of Florida head football coach Urban Meyer unveiled the newest iteration of the spread option offense he helped popularize at Bowling Green and Utah: next season the Gators will depart for games before senior quarterback Chris Leak can get on the team bus.

“Nothing is set in stone, but for right now that’s our game plan,” Meyer said.

“We still have a lot of kinks to work out, such as what happens when we’re flying to an away game? Even if we manage to leave Chris behind he could always drive himself to the airport. Luckily [offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach] Dan Mullen likes to think ahead: there’s always the bus at the airport that we can use to leave #12 behind.”

“We can’t really call it the ‘leave before Chris Leak gets on the bus to or from the airplane or stadium’ offense, though. [Athletic director] Jeremy Foley was definitely against that one. I guess it doesn’t print well on T-shirts.”

Meyer, right, points out to offensive coordinator Dan Mullen exactly who the Gators won’t be waiting for to get on the bus.

Despite throwing for 8,271 yards and 65 touchdowns in three years – with a quarterback rating of 138.13 – Leak, 21, has been written off by many Florida fans as well as college football pundits and analysts across the nation. The Charlotte, N.C. born quarterback has been a popular pre- and early season Heisman favorite ever since taking over the starting job in his freshman year. Though he has considerable name recognition and plays in one of the more visible programs in the nation, Leak has never garnered an invitation to the New York City ceremony. That, coupled with Florida’s 22-11 record with Leak as a starter, has caused many who follow college football to dismiss Leak before the new season has even begun.

“Certainly, we took [the perception of Leak] into consideration when we were drawing this stuff up. In the eyes of a lot of people Chris is practically a ghost: he doesn’t register, and no matter what he does he just won’t ever live up to their expectations of him. In this new offense, he really is a ghost. If it seemed like he was never really there before, he’ll definitely won’t be there now,” Meyer said.

“I love the kid, so this is obviously the best way. If we can keep up the illusion that we just keep forgetting to wait for him before every game it’ll make things a lot easier for everyone involved. I’m asking that you guys in the media help out with this. You’re creative, so think of a couple of good excuses like switching to daylight savings time or something. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I also don’t want to win seventy-five percent of my games again. Ugh.”

The second year head coach was referring to last season’s 9-3 campaign, in which Leak, a classic pocket passer with a relatively light frame, was unable to truly fit into the spread option attack. Meyer’s previous stints as head coach included impressive turnarounds of moribund football programs in Bowling Green and Utah utilizing a scheme which incorporated classic option elements with a high percentage short passing attack. Leak was completely unfamiliar with the ground based portion of the offense, and it showed in the thirty-two sacks he took in 2005; more than that, however, was a feeling that the former blue chip recruit would never truly fit into a scheme that was the new coach’s strongest selling point. Things came to a head in a 30-22 loss to South Carolina, which was led by former Florida head coach Steve Spurrier.

“Easily the most devastating event of my life,” lifelong Gator fan Greg Heinrich said.

“Imagine you’re one of the Jews following Moses through the desert. For years and years you march behind the guy, knowing that in the end he’ll deliver you to the promised land, which he does: the 1996 national championship. That’s all gravy until a decade later he shows up again with a squadron of Egyptian charioteers and mows you and your goats down. And he’s grinnin’ the whole time. That’s how that felt. Chris is a helluva player, and he’s a damn fine person, but man… every Gator fan knew what was comin’. I appreciate what he’s done for us, which is why I say he should never take a snap in a Florida uniform ever again. Tebow in ’06!”

Heinrich was referring to Tim Tebow, a highly recruited prep quarterback out of Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. The 6’3″, 220 lbs. Tebow committed to the Gators over Alabama, USC, Michigan and LSU in a nationally televised announcement marked by a total eclipse of the sun and a two week long state wide holiday characterized by many as “atavistic” and “grossly inhuman”. Excited Gators fans have noted that the prep signal caller excelled in an option system at Nease High School – as evident by his impressive performance in Florida’s annual spring game – and that Tebow has thighs the size of redwood trunks.

“Tim Tebow’s arm is made of granite and he can throw a football from Gainesville all the way to Colorado. He could probably make it all the way to California, but he’d keep it short so there’s enough velocity left over to penetrate into NORAD. In a high school game I heard he once killed six defenders on one play by running them over. He pitched the ball in the end so his running back could get the score,” Heinrich said.

“Again, I love Leak and everything he’s done for Florida, but it’s high time we start a teenager not named Leak. Tebow is that teenager. Even his name sounds awesome: Te-bow. “The Bow”. Like he’s this weapon of medieval destruction, which he is. That kid probably shits Heisman trophies.”

Though Meyer has denied the Colossus of Rhodes-like freshman quarterback was the reason for the switch in offensive philosophies, most analysts agree that the presence of Tebow was a major factor. They point out that Tebow seems to be a perfect fit for the spread option, as well as the fact that Gainesville residents have already erected a tent city around a statue made of Fierce Melon and Fierce Wild Berry Gatorade bottles in the image of the high school recruit.

“One of the bigger storylines of the 2006 college football season was how Leak, Meyer and Tebow would mesh in the second year of the spread offense. Well, Meyer has answered that question: scratch Leak off that list. You don’t even have to pencil in Tebow, because Meyer seems committed to a Leak-less season. I’m confident that Florida will stick to its plan and start a rooster under center if need be, but Chris Leak will not be seeing the inside of a team bus anytime soon, let alone The Swamp,” ESPN College Game Day host Lee Corso noted.

“Now I don’t know about you, but that spells P-E-S-T-O in my book! Who wants some human skulls? I like Thursdays because of the lint!” Corso said before being dragged back into his off-season cage.

Florida psychology professor Candace Lee said that situations like Leak’s are very common.

“People always want something better. It’s cliched, but the general feeling is that the grass really is greener on the other side. It’s difficult to explain to them that just because something is new doesn’t mean it’s better, and that sometimes that newness contributes to that very aura of being better. Plus, some people just don’t get that [Leak]’s won in Jacksonville and Tallahassee. He’s led the team to three straight bowl games, and he’s got a laser for an arm. Now they don’t even wanna let him ride to the stadium with them? It’s a classic lack of reality apprehension,” Lee said.

“Having said that, though, I hear this Tebow guy eats lightnin’ and craps thunder. Literally. I’d pay to see that, especially if it means Tennessee gets shit stomped.”

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Filed under Fake news, SEC, The Media

Shetland ponies proclaim Maurice Drew the messiah

Jacksonville, Florida – Former UCLA tailback and kick returner and current Jacksonville Jaguar draft pick Maurice Drew was proclaimed as the messiah by the International Brotherhood of Shetland Ponies yesterday morning.

Drew running the ball against Oklahoma.

A Shetland pony, grazing somewhere in Sweden.

The announcement – held in the barnyard home of the IBSP’s council of elders in Kirkland, the administrative capital of Scotland’s Orkney Islands – comes four thousand years after the coming of the “Stumpy One” was first prophesied. Some experts argue that a miscalculation was made during the carbon dating of the Short and Squat Scrolls, the primary source of Shetland pony mysticism and scholarship. They maintain that the origins of the ancient prophecy can be traced as far back as 8,000 BCE when the Orkney Islands were still joined to Scandinavia, allowing the ponies there to migrate to their present location.

“The scientific community is divided as to the authenticity of that four thousand year old age, but it’s hard to dwell on an issue like that with this news. Whether you subscribe to their beliefs or not, it has to give you a chill just thinking about it. They’ve been waiting thousands of years without even once claiming a prophet. Not even a saint. And now they finally pick a guy? Even the scientist in me is saying, ‘Maybe they’re on to something here,'” University of Edinburgh professor and head of the Royal School of Veterinary Medicine Gordon Graham said.

“Just watching [the Shetland ponies] celebrate has been a joy for those of us who’ve worked with them. They’ve been through so much, through a long history of trial and patience. I say good on them! Plus, my American friends tell me [Drew] is a spunky player with a lot of heart. The Jaguars got a good deal in the second round, apparently.”

Both Shetland ponies and Drew have been the butt of jokes for their diminutive stature, yet they’ve been used as one of the primary animal workforces in Europe and miscellaneous yardage producers at UCLA, respectively.

Though the long, sad history of Shetland ponies stretches back thousands of years most historians agree that their peak period of suffering began in the mid-19th century when child labor laws were passed which prohibited minors from working in coal mines in both England and the United States. Since that day hundreds of thousands of “pit ponies” have spent the entirety of their lives working in the dangerous mines of interior Britain and the Virginias.

College football experts agree that Drew’s troubles first began when he commited to UCLA in 2003. The highly recruited multi-purpose player prepped at Concord De La Salle – a program with the longest winning streak at any level of football – and yet chose to become a Bruin despite the lack of tradition and a commitment to winning found at his former high school. In three years as a Bruin the 5’7″ tailback put up impressive numbers; however, all of this was overshadowed by neighboring Southern California and its Heisman winning tailback Reggie Bush. USC and Bush became the premier faces of college football, reducing the impressiveness of Drew’s accomplishments and going so far as to cause some to label the UCLA tailback with the moniker of “a poor man’s Reggie Bush”.

“Clearly they’ve both had a rough time of things: laboring in coal mines, putting up 20 touchdowns in one year and not even making a dent in the minds of anyone outside of Westwood, stuff like that. It’s good to see them finally together, working for each other. The Shetland ponies need Maurice, true, but I think somewhere deep down inside Maurice needs the Shetland ponies,” UCLA head football coach Karl Dorrell said.

“Still, it would’ve been nice to have had him back for his senior year. We can’t defend worth a crap, but with Drew in the game we sure knew how to randomly pull victories out of our ass. I can’t blame him, though: when a long oppressed group proclaims you as their messiah, you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do.”

Though the Short and Squat Scrolls have been studied for hundreds of years, few details have been gleaned concerning what would happen after the messiah was proclaimed. Non stop speculation has been swirling through the academic communities of Europe and North America, and even in east Asia Shetland pony strongholds like Tibet and northern China.

“We don’t really know what’s supposed to happen now. Some parts of the Scrolls hint at the messiah going up into the hills and coming back down after a fortnight with a method for making Shetland ponies taller. Or for making everyone else shorter. It’s all very ambiguous,” Graham said.

Drew, who was the fifth tailback selected in this year’s NFL draft, chose to address issues outside of his being chosen as the messiah of Shetland ponies.

“It just frustrates me sometimes because people tell me I can’t do it because I am short and that is why people think I can’t play at the next level. I played against the same talent everyone else did, and put [up] the same or better numbers,” Drew said.

“I should’ve been drafted ahead of Bush, period. And I think [UCLA] had the better team. You put us against the [New England] Patriots, and I’m still going to think we’ve got a chance to win,” Drew said.

“One well known property of messiah complexes is a complete inability to produce realistic assessments. This may explain Drew’s thinking concerning the UCLA Bruins beating the New England Patriots, but that’s a bit of a stretch. He said that way back in the off-season of 2005 and as far as I can tell he wasn’t proclaimed as a messiah until yesterday,” Cornell psychology professor Angela Gruenwald said.

“I mean, come on. I don’t know that much about football but there’s no way he was being ‘disrespected’ or anything. He’ll fill a special teams role for someone like [San Diego Charger tailback] Darren Sproles but he got drafted around where he should’ve been. Plus, what the fuck is that about UCLA beating the Patriots? When you give up fifty-two points to Arizona you’re probably not going to beat a team that’s won the Super Bowl three times since the start of this decade. Not even USC could’ve beat a pro team. A team that lost 66-19 to the Trojans sure as hell ain’t beating the Pats.”

“Good for him about the whole Shetland pony thing, though. We were all thinking it, so it’s nice to finally have it out in the open.”

*****

Note: two of Drew’s quotes are actual, real quotes. Have fun figuring out which ones! Once you do you’ll be sure to laugh.

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Dorrell destroys Carroll’s One Ring; Third Age of USC ends as last of the Trojans sail to Catalina

Los Angeles, Calif. – In a stunning development in the War of Los Angeles, UCLA head football coach Karl Dorrell succeeded in a secret mission to infiltrate the University of Southern California’s campus and throw USC head football coach and Dark Lord Pete Carroll’s One Ring into the fires from whence it came: a furnace in the basement of Heritage Hall.

Heritage Hall.

“The eagles! The eagles are coming!” UCLA athletic director Dan Guerrero said when asked about the news.

The War of Los Angeles – which began in 1929 and has continued unabated, with only a few periods of relative peace, up until the modern day – was going badly for UCLA after a period of apparent Bruin dominance stretching from 1991-1998. Since then, various sources have learned that this eight year anomaly was due to Carroll gathering his strength in his fortresses at Foxborough, Massachusetts and East Rutherford, located deep in the dark heart of the Mirkwood Forest.

In early 2001, Carroll sent his lieutenants – the Witch-King of BYU and Ed Orgeron, lord of the mountain trolls – across the Leaguer of La Cienega to retake large portions of the city. Though surprised by the ferocity of the onslaught, UCLA was able to stand its ground in the early months of the siege and retain a tactical stalemate in the recruiting battles.

Norm Chow, Witch-King of BYU.

That same year Carroll returned from the East, having rebuilt the stronghold of Heritage Hall and marshaled his forces. Though he met with fierce resistance, leading the Trojans to a 6-6 record in his first year, USC trounced UCLA 27-0 in their first meeting with the Dark Lord Carroll at the helm.

Several days after that slaughter, prolific college football announcer and official historian of Rivendell Keith Jackson wrote, “The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Big Ten, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings because they refused to move away from the cold, which was very, very, very cold. The freeze your nuts off kind of cold. Seven to the Big Twelve, great huskers of corn and sooners of… soon. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the SEC, who, above all else, desire power and a cupcake out of conference schedule. Then something about the ACC and the Big East, blah blah blah yadda yadda.”

“But they were, all of them, deceived, for another Ring was made. In the land of California, in the fires of Heritage Hall, the Dark Lord Carroll forged in secret a master Ring, to control all others. And into this Ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to blitz from all angles. One Ring to rule them all. Whoa Nellie.”

Since then, the war-mongering Trojans tore through the countrysides of college football, marauding their way to an 11-2 record and a BCS victory over Iowa in 2002, a 12-1 record and an Associated Press national championship in 2003 and a 13-0 record and a consensus national championship in 2004, as well as sacking such cities as Auburn, Tempe, Eugene, Seattle, Norman, Ann Arbor and Minas Ithil, now called by men Minas Morgul.

The tide was turned, however, when the Texas Longhorns – led by Vince Young, the captain of the Burnt Orange Host – defeated the Trojans at the Battle of the Arroyo Seco on January 4, 2006. The key moment of the struggle came when USC running back Reggie Bush – the chosen instrument of the Dark Lord Carroll’s wrath – inexplicably chose to lateral the One Ring to, of all people, walk-on wide receiver Brad Walker. Walker, like the millions of people watching the telecast live and the tens of thousands present for the climactic battle, was completely surprised and thus fumbled the Ring away.

A reenactment of Bush’s lateral.

On the ensuing possession Young stumbled upon the One Ring and, his powers amplified by the unspeakably powerful artifact, began hurdling Trojan defenders and tossing aside anyone wearing a cardinal and gold jersey. The Longhorns won 41-38, derailing Carroll’s plans to “cover all the lands with a second darkness,” according to Jackson.

In the aftermath of Texas’ victory celebration, head coach Mack Brown and Young argued over what should be done with the One Ring. According to witnesses, the two could not come to any agreement over a course of action.

“It is a gift. A gift to the foes of Southern California. Why not use this Ring? Long has my daddy, Bob Stoops of Oklahoma, kept the forces of USC at bay… mainly by sacrificing himself to the tune of 55-19 to their howling hordes. By the blood of his people are our lands kept safe. Give Texas the weapon of the Enemy. Let us use it against him!” Brown reportedly pleaded to his quarterback.

“But coach, it’s shiny! I wanna use it for an earring,” Young retorted.

Young – known far and wide for both his colossal strength and legendary lack of cunning – was stymied by the One Ring’s perfectly circular and inviolate form. Putting it aside for a moment to consult his trusted librum of learned sages and venerated wisdom, the Texas quarterback lost track of the Ring before giving up and deciding to declare for the NFL draft a mere three seconds later.

The Illuminated Breakfastnomicon of Numenor, Young’s favorite reference work.

The series of events which transpired to place the One Ring into the hands of the unlikeliest and blandest of heroes have yet to be explained, but it is irrefutable that Dorrell came across the artifact sometime during his January convalescence while recovering from the 66-19 rout UCLA suffered at the hands of Carroll’s forces more than a month earlier.

According to several sources, Dorrell considered hiding the Ring or throwing it into the Pacific Ocean. The Dark Lord Carroll’s success in recruiting – culminating in yet another number one ranked class of five star marauders and a large group of four star pillagers – as well as reports that he was bending all his dark will in pursuit of his lost Ring persuaded Dorrell and a deeply concerned Pacific 10 council of elders and pussy-willows that drastic measures were required.

A hastily assembled plan was conceived: Dorrell and dimunitive UCLA tailback Maurice Drew would traverse the dangerous paths of the Interstate-10 East, the foreboding slopes of the Misty Mountains and the dreaded Parking Lot of Doom that is the Harbor Freeway until they came to the lands of USC and the fires beneath Heritage Hall. There they were to cast the Ring into the gorge of flame which birthed it.

Reports, however, indicate that Dorrell hesitated upon the lip of the raging cauldron of lava. The fourth year head coach then turned to Drew and said “The Ring is mine!”, claiming the artifact as his own.

A struggle ensued with Drew – by then also under the hypnotic effect of the object of ineffable evil – assaulting Dorrell for control of the Ring. Drew apparently bit off several of Dorrell’s fingers and successfully gained control of the artifact. During his celebration the tailback stepped too close to the white hot lip of the Heritage Hall furnace and fell in, taking the One Ring with him.

According to Dorrell, Drew’s last words were, “I still should’ve been drafted ahead of Reggie Bussshhh!”

The destruction of the Ring was immediately followed by a week which saw an investigation into the housing arrangements of Bush’s family, as well as quarterback Matt Leinart and wide receiver Dwayne Jarrett, an accusation of sexual assault against quarterback Mark Sanchez, the stocks of multiple USC prospects dropping in the annual NFL draft, and the fall of Heritage Hall into a Heisman strewn pit of rubble and ash.

A mass exodus of the last Trojans left in the wake of that ruinous week has begun. A record number of power and sail boats, as well as numerous yachts and several cruise ships, have taken leave from Marina del Rey, Santa Barbara and San Diego harbors en route to Catalina Island, where the Trojans hope to fortify their last bastion of strength with a Fourth of July ceremony involving the Trojan Marching Band and many, many margaritas.

Most scholars agree that the Third Age of USC Football has now ended with the destruction of Dark Lord Carroll’s One Ring.

The First Age came to a close with the retirement of Howard Jones in 1940 and the dissolution of his terrifying Thundering Herds. The Second Age saw its end when the successful Tampa Bay Gambit was employed in defeating USC head coach John McKay.

John McKay, moments before being fooled by the legendary Tampa Bay Gambit.

The Dark Lord Carroll, when reached for comment, had this to say: “Hot dang, Karl fell for it? [The rest of USC’s coaching staff is] going to laugh their asses off. I got that ring out of a Cracker Jack box and had a graduate assistant plant it in his garden. Then we set up some fireworks over by Heritage Hall and got some of the [Trojan Marching Band] drummers to make a whole lot of noise. I guess no one knows I got my Ring back when I distracted Vince Young with a bit of tinfoil right after the end of the game. I’m real jacked up about it.”

“Don’t tell him, though, okay? Karl seemed real excited and it’d be a shame to disappoint him this soon before the new season starts and I get to plunder Westwood again.”

[With apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien, Mel Brooks and Peter and Keith Jackson.]

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Filed under BCS, Fake news, Pac-10, Recruiting, USC

Tressel gives Carr noogie, wedgie, lunchtime de-pantsing; hall monitor, NCAA silent on issue

Ann Arbor, Michigan – Despite his professed friendship with Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr, Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel continues to torment and publicly humiliate his Big Ten rival even after routinely copying from Carr’s homework and “borrowing” soda money.

Carr, 60, and Tressel, 53, have been acquaintances ever since Tressel moved from Youngstown to Columbus, Ohio.

“I showed Jimmy around when he first got there. Sometimes it’s tough when you move to a new place: you don’t know anyone, you have to sit all by yourself at lunch, Michigan State keeps beating you. Stuff like that. He’d come over to the Big House and hang out. He was kinda mean even then, but we were still friends. I was real nice to him. Then he started hanging around the cooler kids and, well…” Carr said.

“Now I sit by myself at lunchtime. It’s not so bad. I bring my Harry Potter books.”

Carr, University of Michigan head football coach and pussy-willow.

According to witnesses, a daily routine has developed between the two coaches. After getting his subsidized meal from lunch lady Edna Kozlowski, Carr quickly heads over to his corner table to quietly consume his main course and draw in his notebook. Once several minutes have passed, Tressel – who normally resides in the center aisle at a table with Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz – walks over to where Carr is sitting, usually with a mischievous expression on his face. From here events tend to differ depending on the day of the week, Tressel’s mood and whether or not Carr is playing a game of Magic the Gathering with himself.

“Sometimes [Tressel] will pretend to ‘accidentally’ knock Lloyd’s tray off the table and onto [Carr’s] lap. Sometimes he ‘spills’ milk onto Lloyd. If [Carr] is done with his food and stuff before Jimmy gets there, [Tressel] will punch him in the shoulder a lot, like he’s messing around but it’s obvious he’s not. All the kids in the center aisles will laugh, but I don’t think it’s that funny. I don’t really say nothin’, though,” Iowa State head coach Dan McCarney said. McCarney, who tends to sit by himself relatively close to Carr, is often the butt of jokes and pranks from others but has earned a reputation that deters more serious harassment.

“Let’s just say that Kirk keeps his distance,” McCarney said. “Not like Jimmy. He pantsed Lloyd in the middle of the Big House one time, in front of 100,000 people. His, like, mom was there, y’know? That’s just kind of messed up.”

This behavior, however, is not limited to lunchtime, according to Big Ten officials. Midday noogies, afternoon wedgies, before class swirlies and after school Indian burns have become a regular occurrence, prompting other coaches to form loud, shouting circles around the daily events; some are there to heckle and torment, but others are there out of a hope for a different outcome despite past history.

“Sometimes I wish Lloyd would just stand up to that big bully. It’s not as hard as it looks, so long as you know what you’re doing. I’ve been successful at it sometimes, but only because I learned how to fight weird. I move around in circles and use my elbows and stuff. It’s confusing, but it works,” Northwestern head coach Randy Walker said.

Most are baffled by Carr’s repeated acquiescence to Tressel’s demands, including the offer of completed homework “to study from”, a soda and Gatorade line of credit with little to no compounded interest, and a yearly ritual in which Carr saves up enough allowance for the Big Ten championship, only to let Tressel walk away with it after a session of “convincing”.

Michigan sociology professor Harold Weir noted that Carr’s pattern of compliance and retreat only reinforces Tressel’s behavior.

“It’s a common occurrence. Whenever a weaker entity allows another person in a position of power to get away with anything, it tends to emphasize and even add to the already existing set of conditions that dictate weakness and strength. In this case Lloyd’s refusal to fight back or even make things remotely difficult for Jim sends a clear signal that [Tressel’s] behavior is not only effective, but correct. The notions of dominance and hierarchy are very much a part of the animal kingdom, and humans are still animals when it comes down to it. And, frankly, maybe Lloyd deserves to get picked on. Did you see [last season’s Ohio State-Michigan game, won by the Buckeyes 25-21]? Fucking ridiculous. [Michigan has] the lead with only like four minutes remaining, right? But we can only get two plays with any positive yards before punting? What the fuck is that? Fuck that guy,” Weir said.

“I mean c’mon. Everyone knew Ohio State would march down that field and score. Everyone,” Weir added. “Fuck. God-damned pansy.”

Most agree that Carr and Tressel seem bound to continue their current relationship until the foreseeable future: Michigan and Ohio State host one of college football’s most storied rivalries, and, according to local gossip, Tressel is infatuated with Carr’s older sister, Janey.

“He’s nice to me when we’re alone. We still joke around about all the stuff we used to be into, like X-Men comic books and the base two receiver set and stuff like that. Sometimes he even invites me to his parties, but I haven’t gone to one since [Penn State head coach] Joe [Paterno’s] thing with the shuffleboard and the bingo. It was kinda boring, plus once we got there Jimmy threw punch all over me,” Carr said.

“Maybe the trick is to have Janey come with me to school. Jimmy’s real nice when she’s around. He’s always asking about her, what she likes, how close our rooms are. I wish she hadn’t moved off to another college, because maybe then it wouldn’t be so bad between me and [Tressel].”

Weir, however, disagreed.

“What we have here is a classic case of the socially oppressed doing a disservice to themselves by fantasizing in the extreme. Hopes and dreams are good things, maybe even necessary things, but when thought about and never acted upon they become anchors. Let’s face it, Lloyd here isn’t exactly going to grow up to be a computer mogul or a Super Bowl winning coach who gets to come back to the reunion and shove it in Jim’s face. If he wants to be able to look back at this period in his life, he’s going to have to grow a pair and do something about it,” Weir said.

“This kinda seems like the perfect script set up for a sitcom or something, doesn’t it? Maybe [former Michigan head coach] Bo Schembechler can teach Lloyd how to punch in a very special episode about bullying and standing up for yourself. Then Tressel can kick his ass in a very realistic episode of ‘This Is Happening Right Now, Again.'”

As of press time, Tressel could not be reached for comment.

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Filed under Big Ten, Fake news, NCAA

Carroll apologizes to Poseidon with burnt offering, three flocks of cattle, Reggie Bush shaped golden idol

Los Angeles, Calif. – Taking his cue from Homer’s Odyssey, University of Southern California head football coach Pete Carroll attempted to appease the legendary anger of Poseidon with an offer of burnt lamb, approximately seventy heads of cattle and an 8 ft. high statue of USC running back Reggie Bush made entirely from gold.

Poseidon.

Carroll’s attempt at mollifying the ancient sea god’s wrath comes on the heels of what many are saying was one of the worst weeks any Division I-A football program has ever seen.

On April 23 Yahoo! Sports and the Miami Herald broke a story concerning the possibility of extra benefits to the family of Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush. If the allegations prove true, USC could be stripped of a portion of the wins that constitute its 34 game winning streak from 2003-2006. NCAA sanctions also are a possibility. Rumors that junior offensive tackle Winston Justice – who, along with Bush, was among a group of Trojans who elected to skip their senior years in order to declare for the draft – were involved have yet to be substantiated.

Redshirt freshman backup quarterback Mark Sanchez was arrested on April 26 on suspicion of sexual assault. Sanchez, who was expected to contend for the starting position, spent the night in jail and posted a $200,000 bond; his case is still pending.

On April 29 two separate stories broke: Bush, long the prohibitive number one overall pick, could not reach an agreement with the Houston Texans who would opt to sign North Carolina State defensive end Mario Williams instead, and the since disproved accusation that running back LenDale White failed a drug test at the Indianapolis Combine.

April 30 – the first day of the NFL Draft – was long expected to be one of the high points of the offseason for the Trojans. Instead they saw the revelation that the living arrangement of Heisman Trophy winning quarterback Matt Leinart and roommate wide receiver Dwayne Jarrett might have violated NCAA bylaws after Leinart’s father moved the two into a new apartment complex due to the constant presence of fans at their old address. Additionally, Bush dropped to the expected number two slot while Leinart fell all the way to the tenth spot after being a top five and even top three projection for the majority of the past year and a half. A draft that could have seen as many as five or even six Trojans in the first round instead saw only two: Justice and White both fell to the second round after concerns about their character allowed them to slip, and the stocks of safety Darnell Bing (fourth) and guard Fred Matua (seventh) plummeted.

“Like Homer’s Odysseus, we have endured a thousand stings and a hundred obstacles in our quest for normalcy, some of them self inflicted but many at the historically fickle hands of the Fates. The cannibalistic Laestrygonians, the gifts of Aeolus, the fierce Ciconians and the subtle allure of both the Lotus-Eaters and the sirens for [Odysseus], the ravages of the NCAA and the foolishness and cupidity of humanity for us. And, much like Odysseus himself, we wished we had thought of offering a rack of roasted lamb to Poseidon ages ago,” Carroll read from a prepared statement.

The sirens of Homer’s epic have been known to offer benefits to both homesick mariners and NCAA athletes – for a price.

“In fact, Odysseus had to land on Circe’s island twice before it was all over and he was allowed to return to Ithaca. I’m really hoping this doesn’t mean LaMar Griffin [Bush’s step-father] has a mansion in the [Hollywood] Hills under ‘lease’ he forgot to mention,” Carroll added. “Sometimes these things just kind of escape you, and two weeks and an NCAA investigation later all you can do is slap your forehead and say, ‘Man! I should’ve sacrificed a couple of flocks of cattle to Poseidon weeks ago.'”

“Just kind of think of it as looking for a pair of glasses that have been perched on your head the entire time or something goofy like that.”

University of Oxford classics professor and Philip X. Andoupolous chair Margaret Addison said that similarities between the Odyssey and USC’s current situation abound, but that there were subtle differences.

“Pete Carroll, like Odysseus, is famous for his cunning and his use of strategem instead of the strength normally associated with ancient Greek heroes and berserker warriors like Ajax and [current Mississippi head coach Ed] Orgeron. In fact, Odysseus stands directly opposed to the figure of Achilles, who so epitomized the highly sought ideal of andreia, or ‘beautiful courage’, but also led his troops to slaughter time and time again with ill-advised forays into blood lust,” Addison said.

“Yet at the same time, where Odysseus helped topple the ‘topless towers of Ilium’ and burnt Troy to the ground Carroll has resurrected the near comatose Trojan program over the last five years with wins, national championships and an aura of seeming invinciblity. And instead of attempting to return home to Ithaca like Homer’s hero, Carroll was clearly eager to leave the area of Ithaca, New York and the entire East Coast after his stint as an NFL head coach.”

Many have pointed out that Odysseus was brought low by his own hubris in refusing to acknowledge or supplicate Poseidon, the father of the cyclops Polyphemus whom the hero killed early on in his voyage home. USC’s recent success and the resultant pride have many noting that it was only a matter of time until the hammer fell, whether wielded by the ancient Greek pantheon or the infernal hand of the NCAA.

Ancient oral history or the most overused pun in collegiate sports headlines?

It is unknown if Carroll’s offer will have any effect on the triton-wielding diety of the tempest-toss’d seas, but the traditional sacrifice of burnt flesh and living animal was deemed not enough by the sixth year head coach. Carroll decided to augment the offering with the statue of Bush, made entirely of ingots of gold melted down from spare championship rings and assembled over a period of two days by a crew of graduate assistants. Ancient dieties have long been known for their weak spots for both roasted goat and shiny, multi-carat golden idols, though whether Poseidon will accept the offering remains to be seen.

Experts note that even after Odysseus’ attempt at placating Poseidon he still had to endure the wrath of Helios the sun god after his men stupidly ate cattle sacred to him, an event eerily similar to the ongoing reprecussions of the Griffins seemingly baffling choice to “eat” their reputations and relationship with USC away despite repeated warnings and advice. Much like Odysseus’ soldiers’ ill-fated foray into early dining, the Griffins were only a year or two away from their chosen destination – in this case, a gigantic mound of money.

Few critics, however, are willing to predict what will happen even if Poseidon is satisfied.

“I am of the opinion that Carroll will eventually succeed in metaphorically returning home and triumphing over adversary,” Addison said. “Much like [Alfred Lord] Tennyson’s Ulysses, I see in him a man whose passion for life and exploration will never allow him full rest – and though he may now appear to be ‘an idle king’ he will inevitably seek to ‘sail beyond the sunset and the baths of all the western stars’ by recruiting a class of twenty Scout and Rivals rated five star players. It seems obvious even to these British eyes that [Carroll] is a man determined ‘to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.'”

“Then again, much like Odysseus, he could opt to shoot everyone who so much as looked at Penelope the wrong way. I would probably expect a mixture of ‘one equal temper of heroic hearts’ and good old fashioned fairly indiscriminate slaying.”

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