Urban Meyer introduces new “leave before Chris Leak gets on the bus” offense

Gainesville, Fla. – After months of speculation, University of Florida head football coach Urban Meyer unveiled the newest iteration of the spread option offense he helped popularize at Bowling Green and Utah: next season the Gators will depart for games before senior quarterback Chris Leak can get on the team bus.
“Nothing is set in stone, [...]

Shetland ponies proclaim Maurice Drew the messiah

Jacksonville, Florida – Former UCLA tailback and kick returner and current Jacksonville Jaguar draft pick Maurice Drew was proclaimed as the messiah by the International Brotherhood of Shetland Ponies yesterday morning.

Drew running the ball against Oklahoma.

A Shetland pony, grazing somewhere in Sweden.
The announcement – held in the barnyard home of the IBSP’s council of elders [...]

Dorrell destroys Carroll’s One Ring; Third Age of USC ends as last of the Trojans sail to Catalina

Los Angeles, Calif. – In a stunning development in the War of Los Angeles, UCLA head football coach Karl Dorrell succeeded in a secret mission to infiltrate the University of Southern California’s campus and throw USC head football coach and Dark Lord Pete Carroll’s One Ring into the fires from whence it came: a furnace [...]

Tressel gives Carr noogie, wedgie, lunchtime de-pantsing; hall monitor, NCAA silent on issue

Ann Arbor, Michigan – Despite his professed friendship with Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr, Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel continues to torment and publicly humiliate his Big Ten rival even after routinely copying from Carr’s homework and “borrowing” soda money.
Carr, 60, and Tressel, 53, have been acquaintances ever since Tressel moved from Youngstown to [...]

Carroll apologizes to Poseidon with burnt offering, three flocks of cattle, Reggie Bush shaped golden idol

Los Angeles, Calif. – Taking his cue from Homer’s Odyssey, University of Southern California head football coach Pete Carroll attempted to appease the legendary anger of Poseidon with an offer of burnt lamb, approximately seventy heads of cattle and an 8 ft. high statue of USC running back Reggie Bush made entirely from gold.

Poseidon.
Carroll’s attempt [...]