Monthly Archives: April 2006

Pete Carroll frozen in carbonite; QB Clausen commits to Notre Dame, Hutt syndicate

Carroll (54-10 in five years) encased in carbonite.
Mos Eisley, Tatooine – As a result of University of Southern California head football coach Pete Carroll being frozen in carbonite following vicious fighting atop Cloud City, Indiana, heralded Oaks Christian, Calif. prep quarterback Jimmy Clausen committed to the University of Notre Dame and the Hutt syndicate this past Wedsnesday.

“While there had been some pretty intense speculation concerning Jimmy’s commitment, specifically between USC and Notre Dame but also including South Carolina, Tennessee and the Galactic Empire, I had confidence in Notre Dame’s chances,” Chicago native Greedo Lemming said. Lemming, a noted expert on college football recruiting, is currently working for CSTV.com and fielding occassional bounty hunter work. “It was obvious from day one that he would be Irish.”

“Fighting Irish, that is. Because ‘Clausen’ might be Danish, or Swiss,” he added. “Hell, German, French, it doesn’t really matter because so long as he’s Notre Dame bound I’m just going to keep adding stars to his ranking. I wonder if it’s possible to move him past [Clausen's current status as] number one recruit in the land?”

Some say Lemming may have the quickest non-under-the-table blaster in the sector.
College football message boards were abuzz during the tumultuous months of recruiting season when speculation concerning the talented 6’3″ junior gunslinger seemed to peak with each passing day. Due to regulations set forth by the Imperial Collegiate Athletic Association, official recruiting of Clausen could not begin until a proscribed time after national Letter of Intent day. Many were shocked that Clausen, who appeared to be mulling his decision until at least the end of the spring, committed to the Irish and the Hutts.

“Frankly, I’m shockedth. I wouldth have never guessth [Clausthen] wouldth commith thith thoon,” former Notre Dame head coach and current ESPN analyst Lou Holtz said. The snake tongued Holtz is considered by many to be as reliable a source on Notre Dame matters as he is on the topic of spit.

“Thith is thimply unbelievable. What a windfall for the Fightin’ Ithish!” Holtz said.

Most agree that Clausen’s early commitment was precipitated by the imprisonment and subsequent transportation to Tatooine of Carroll. Though reports are hazy at the moment, insiders have speculated that Carroll was lured into a trap by Sith lord and ICAA President Darth Brand in an alliance of convenience with Notre Dame and the Hutt syndicate. The resulting battle has accounted for at least four dozen Rebel Alliance casualties and an unknown number of USC football team manager deaths.

Darth Brand’s dreaded NCAA Clearinghouse choke hold of the Sith.

Carroll eventually surrendered but not before doing three somersaults, diving off the mile high spire of Cloud City and returning two minutes later after a light jog, cooking seventeen turkeys, hooting like an owl and waxing the Imperial Governor’s office windows. The jovial coach and part time spice smuggler seemed particularly light hearted as he was lead to the carbonite encasing chamber, going so far as to high five witnesses along the way.

“I think his last words were, ‘Hot dang, I’m so jacked up for this new experience!’” a storm trooper who wished to remain anonymous reported.

The removal of Carroll, even temporarily, creates a vacuum in the delicately balanced world of college football. One expert even described it “as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”

The carbonite Carroll was transported to Tatooine where, according to sources, he will hang in the throne room of Notre Dame head football coach and regional Hutt boss Charlie Weis.

“Chi sa bicha wonki Carrollota,” Weis said. “Bun yo kabuk noni Solo! Uta kolki koth taga, ichaga kong un bantha pudu. “

He later added, “Look at my four Super Bowl rings motherfuckers! Lonta ya bamba ma tota!”

Weis: “Jor maja ix asha pi cho!”

Weis’ well documented grudge against Carroll stems back to last year’s USC-Notre Dame game in which the Trojans won 34-31 on two amazing fourth quarter plays from Heisman Trophy winners Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart. That game was made all the more interesting considering the bounty Weis had placed on Carroll’s head after the latter’s infamous 1998 AFC Kessel run.

There are few who are willing to speculate about the possible fate of college football and the universe after yesterday’s revelation. With the addition of Clausen – the prohibitive top recruit for next season – and an apparent alliance with the Empire, Notre Dame football and the Hutts are poised to upset the balance of Saturday afternoons and the life giving Force. Even fewer are willing to discuss rumors of the construction of some kind of super weapon near Endor, though whispers of a “Run ‘n Gun Spread Double Wing” formation persist.

Pundits and fans alike seemed to have placed their hope in the mysterious, little known and little seen recluse Norm Chow. Why this would be, and whether or not he might leave Dagobah, Tennessee remains to be seen, but few doubt the dire nature of the universe’s present situation.


Will Chow from Dagobah leave?

For now there seems to be an uneasy lull as opposing forces eye each other and contemplate their next move, though with the growing discontent in Kashyyyk, Mississippi the possibility of interstellar and inter-conference war seems inevitable. Will Ed Orgeron come to the aid of his former leader? Will Weis be strangled by his own headset cord by a nubile Erin Andrews? Will Clausen start as a true freshman? Will both sides order a temporary ceasefire to throw Skip Bayless to the sarlaac?
Weis has his own answer to such questions: “Raylun ta getpa gushu krispy kreme.”

Holding all the cards close to his overflowing chest, it seems few in the galaxy can dispute or understand him.


Orgeron is not pleased.

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Myles Brand siezes 6th circle of Hell; now rules NCAA, infernal city of Dis

The Master of Malice

The Master of Malice
Dis the Infernal City, Sixth Circle of Hell – Myles Brand – the ruler of the fifth circle of Hell, the Stygian King, known to many as Gulygon the Terrible, the Tyrant of Man, the Betrayer of Hope and president of the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) – yesterday completed his bid for power by adding the sixth circle of Hell to his already vast holdings.

Brand, Devourer of Souls and former president of Indiana University and the University of Oregon, seized the important city of Dis after a well staged attack on the fortress of despair’s former ruler, Dagon, Lord of Flies. The coup began well before the rise of Hell’s blazing, blood red globe of withering flame, with the NCAA president and Destroyer of Cities leading his chitinous troops through the gates of Dis.

“The unfortunate situation created by [Dagon, Lord of Flies] and his gross negligence concerning one of the greatest institutions of Hell has forced Our hand,” Brand read from a prepared speech at a press conference held at his new blood soaked throne room. “We regret the harsh and swift nature of Our judgment, but after a thorough analysis We can only come to the conclusion that the infernal city of Dis deserves new management.”

Dagon and his elite regiment of half-spider, half-snake soldiers were caught completely unaware of the assault partly due to Brand’s recent insistence that the Lord of Flies observe all of the regular rules and procedures normally used to mediate disputes between demon princes. The Many Eyed One was preoccuppied with filling out form 42A-B in triplicate when the pre-dawn raid struck.

“I was trying to file the damn paperwork with Lucifer [Morningstar, the Adversary and Ruler of all Hell], but [Brand] and his cronies are in charge of that shit. Nice job if you can get it, especially if you’re planning a full trans-planar assaut. It’s not like I wasn’t prepared, it’s just that [Brand] is so fucking good at that shit. He kept saying, ‘No, no, We can’t come to any decision yet. It’s held up in committee. Even We must observe the rules.’”

“Can you believe that? He’s even using the royal ‘we’, like he was the sole ruler of all nine layers of the Pit. If Lucifer only knew what that guy was saying behind his back, I swear to Satan they would let Cerberus gnaw the flesh from his bones. Excuse me, ‘His’ bones,” Dagon said from his place chained above a bubbling cauldron of acid.

Brand’s erratic, sometimes baffling behavior is not without precedent. In 2004, he denied athletic eligibility to University of Colorado wide receiver Jeremy Bloom and University of Southern California wide receiver Mike Williams despite popular sentiment – and plenty of reasonable extenuating circumstancs – to reinstate them. He followed that up by mandating that all torture devices be safety approved by his own hand picked committee of low level demons and an assortment of boot licking ghouls.

“That safety bit, what the hell is up with that?” Hastur the Blighted said. Hastur is a goat headed devil in charge of the fire pits of Asmodeus, and is now entering its sixth millennia as a caretaker of the infamous sources of lava and flame. “Look, I understand that all things, even a place as inherently anarchic and chaotic as Hell, need a measure of order to them. But [Brand] is just ridiculous. We spent two centuries checking every nob, spike and blood caked leather strap on every thing we’ve got here. Because Hell is an infinite place I’m not even sure how we managed to go over every little iron maiden, but we did. And you know what he said? ‘Sorry, not up to par. We’re going to have to order newer models.’”

“Newer models? Have you ever seen a Salvador Dali painting with a rack from the Sharper Image? No, you haven’t. First of all, safety is the exact opposite purpose of these machines. And secondly, that really sucked about Mike Williams and that Bloom guy. Man, [Brand]’s such a dick,” Hastur said.

Brand’s unique case of megalomania blossomed shortly after his seizure of the River Styx over two eons ago. As the main trans-planar tributary of the Pit of Despair, the River Styx was and is a hotly disputed stretch of real estate that runs from the suicide woods all the way to the gates of Dis itself. Since adding the great river to his assets Brand has taken every one of the coins traditionally given to Styx’s boatman, Charon, as fare for the journey across; he also ceased the yearly sacrifice of a hundred unbelievers to the river.

Plutus, the Baron of Avarice and ruler of the fourth circle of Hell, is not surprised by any of Brand’s behavior.

“Frankly, I’m surprised he didn’t want my job,” the wolf headed demon prince said. “I fall right down his alley: misers, the greedy and the insatiable. The guy has a classic case of rich man’s forgetfulness. With him it’s like, ‘Oh, you’re poor and you need my help? Oh, so sorry, you gotta do something for me first, and then maybe I’ll consider backstabbing you.’ Did you see that shit, the stuff about him taking away Charon’s benefits? That’s just wrong. Charon’s a good guy, old as dirt; the only thing he’s good for is poling around in that dinghy of his and picking up random fare. Same thing with the river itself; for thousands of years we fed it the faithless and the unbelievers to keep it nice and black and nasty. Then he comes around and decides it’s a ‘misallocation of resources’! All Brand wants to do is make money off any poor sucker he can, so long as he doesn’t have to pay them back.”

Fuck that Brand guy
Plutus, Baron of Avarice, contemplates what a gigantic prick his Unholiness Myles Brand is
Since then he has generated untold amounts of wealth by letting various factions battle over small portions of the River Styx in order to stockpile the karmic energy such control would provide.

“It’s not a system we like, really, but it’s unfortunately all we have right now,” Baphomet the Bloated One said.

“Every year a splinter group or faction of devils or demons or what have you have a particularly good outing versus everyone else, and of course that means they get a shot at the best stretch of the Styx and theoretical control, right? Well, that’s where you’d be wrong. It seems logical that the nastiest, fiercest underworlders should battle it out for the best property, but that’s not how he does it,” the Duke of Sloth and captain of the Agony Brigade gurgled. “He’s got the you-know-who damned New York Times tabulating strength of devilry and a bunch of other nonsense. How can you base it on your strength of devilry? What about the demons? I guess he just assumed they were going to use their “demonry” or something equally absurd. How fucking fair is that screw job? We all know devilry is overrated anyway, because the same group always somehow manages to get first choice of the riverbanks despite their obvious lack of devilry.”

“All we want is a system where the most vile, backstabbing, terrible groups amongst us can vie it out on the battle fields of Gehennon and settle this the way Satan intended it: with pitchforks and lots of acid spittle. Who wouldn’t want to see that? Myles Brand, Master of Malice, that’s who,” Baphomet burbled.

“Plus, what the fuck is so hard about implementing a college football playoff? It’s not like we’re asking a first year physics student whether Hell is exothermic or endothermic,” he added.

By adding the sixth circle to his list of assets, as well as the Infernal City of Dis, Brand has begun to solidify himself as one of the grand dukes of Hell. The Codex of the Damned lists only Asmodeus the Black, Beelzebub the Father of Lies, Skip Bayless and Lucifer as being higher in status than the bat winged, sword of flame wielding NCAA president.

“We are growing concerned with Myles,” Lucifer, Lord of the Pit of Despair, said yesterday from his throne room high atop the infinite peaks of the Pinnacle of Doom. “He is vexing Us mightily. We believe in the purity of pain and the delight of agony, yet the Scaly One [Brand] goes beyond all measure of such things. His desecration of helpless vestal virgins throughout the gray wastes of Limbo was terrible, even for Our standards. And do not even get Us started on the NCAA clearinghouse.”

Lucifer then shuddered.

“We do not know what lies ahead, for his acquisition of the sixth circle and Dis are dire portents indeed. We can only postulate that Hell, the worst place imaginable to the mortal mind, is about to get totally fucked up.”

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Bruins harness Dorrellian geometry, turn corner 134th time

Bruins harness Dorrellian geometry, turn corner 134th time
UCLA football, math grad students flying high; Rose Bowl filled to capacity*

*Dorrellian capacity allows for all percentages to approach one hundred

Westwood, Calif. – The twenty-fifth ranked UCLA Bruins are off to their first 3-0 start since the 2001-02 season, but thanks to third year head coach Karl Dorrell those numbers aren’t meant to be taken at face value.

Dorrell, the former Bruin wide receiver, was under the microscope after two years of mediocrity at his alma mater. The normally stoic coach was jubilant, however, at the press conference held on UCLA’s campus yesterday as he announced a breakthrough for the highly obscure fields of obstructional mathematics and UCLA football success.

“Today marks a great day in the history of this great university and its even greater football program. We have always had the tradition and the winning ways; poor refereeing and the peculiarities of the Rose Bowl’s localized gravity well have both contributed to our recent failures. But that day is over. Today, Dorrellian geometry enters the world,” Dorrell said.

According to athletic director Dan Guerrero, “Dorrellian geometry is to Euclidean geometry what sliced bread was to maggot infested ship’s tack. It so totally blows Euclid out of the water.”

In the revolutionary new model of how the physical world works, there are no such things as actual numbers. Indeed, the closer one approaches an actual number the more likely it is to turn into a ten win season. Spatial terminology, our concept of the world in regards to our understanding of physics, the winning percentage of Bruin football over the past century – all of these will have to be revisited.

“We are confident that, given the new parameters of this universal world view, UCLA athletics will be known for more than just John Wooden and the fantastic free pizza served at half time in the Rose Bowl parking lots. This is a big fat paradigm shift, suckers, and I’m talking to you [University of Southern California head coach and current owner of UCLA’s soul] Pete Carroll,” the ecstatic Dorrell shouted.

Carroll, who could not be reached for comment, has led neighboring USC to back-to-back national championships and is on track for an unprecedented “three-peat”. Some have speculated that laboring in the Trojans’ collective shadow has led both UCLA’s administration and fan base to new levels of desperation.

Guerrero disagreed about such sentiments.

“Sure, there were some that suggested maybe we pour some money into hiring a better coach or something instead of investing in theoretical mathematics. Of course those things were said. But what wasn’t said was, ‘Why don’t you guys bend the laws of nature and reality to make this program a success?’ And really, that’s what they should have been saying,” Guerrero said.

If Dorrellian geometry works as described, the 134th corner the Bruin program has just turned will not in fact lead directly back to its initial origin at x=abject and y=failure. Instead, the Bruins will somehow come full sixth dimensional circle, which the late Richard Feynman – one on America’s foremost scientific minds until his death in 1988 – once described as “totally b-tchin’ when you’re doing your taxes.”

This process lends credibility to Westwood’s collective hope that this season’s 3-0 start will bear no resemblance to previous beginning of the year successes the Bruins have experienced under the current coaching staff. Last season, Dorrell’s second, UCLA began 4-1 only to finish 6-6 with a loss to Wyoming, that program’s first bowl win in 38 years. In his rookie year as head coach the Bruins started off 5-2 only to begin a five game slide which included a 47-22 loss to archrival USC.

UCLA fans, despite the precedent of strong starts leading to disastrous finishes, maintained their unfounded optimism for months prior to Dorrell’s announcement. With this new evidence backing their claims some are starting to listen.

“Look, I know they played San Diego State, Rice and Oklahoma which have like two wins between them all, but that Feynman guy was smart as heck. If he says UCLA is great, that’s good enough for me,” Harris Poll voter, reality television and former pro-wrestling star Hogan said.

“So what if they beat a 1-2 Aztec team and a 1-2 Rice team? Does that lower their accomplishments? Did my beating Ted “The Million Dollar Man” DiBiase in Wrestlemania IV by using a chair lower that achievement? No and no,” noted the bandana wearing Hulkster.

When informed that the Bruins actually defeated a winless San Diego State and Rice team, in addition to a reeling Oklahoma squad who lost to TCU at home and needed a fourth quarter surge to defeat Tulsa in Norman, Hogan could only say, “I don’t know which one I’m more surprised at: that UCLA fans could be optimistic about wins over teams like these or that Oklahoma actual has a ‘W’.”

UCLA, which first began playing football in 1919, had been averaging 1.56 “turn arounds” a year until the recent breakthrough. Last Saturday’s win over the Sooners in Pasadena has sent Bruin faithful into a frenzy. The few experts who claim to actually understand Dorrellian geometry calculate that, at the going rate of transformation of the quantum landscape, Los Angeles will reach ninety percent “Bruin football town” status – otherwise known as Plaschke-Simers acute dementia – in approximately sixteen days.

“But you Trojans better get out before then,” Dorrell noted with glee, “because sixteen might as well be six or six-tenths thanks to me. I can’t wait to start applying this stuff to our national championship banners [sic].” Dorrell was presumably referring to UCLA’s sole football national championship in 1954 shared with Ohio State University.

When asked his opinion about the implications of recent events on his life and future, highly touted former Thousand Oaks and current UCLA freshman quarterback Ben Olson said , “So… I’m not starting yet?”

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