Carroll (54-10 in five years) encased in carbonite.
Mos Eisley, Tatooine – As a result of University of Southern California head football coach Pete Carroll being frozen in carbonite following vicious fighting atop Cloud City, Indiana, heralded Oaks Christian, Calif. prep quarterback Jimmy Clausen committed to the University of Notre Dame and the Hutt syndicate this past Wedsnesday.
“While there had been some pretty intense speculation concerning Jimmy’s commitment, specifically between USC and Notre Dame but also including South Carolina, Tennessee and the Galactic Empire, I had confidence in Notre Dame’s chances,” Chicago native Greedo Lemming said. Lemming, a noted expert on college football recruiting, is currently working for CSTV.com and fielding occassional bounty hunter work. “It was obvious from day one that he would be Irish.”
“Fighting Irish, that is. Because ‘Clausen’ might be Danish, or Swiss,” he added. “Hell, German, French, it doesn’t really matter because so long as he’s Notre Dame bound I’m just going to keep adding stars to his ranking. I wonder if it’s possible to move him past [Clausen's current status as] number one recruit in the land?”
Some say Lemming may have the quickest non-under-the-table blaster in the sector.
College football message boards were abuzz during the tumultuous months of recruiting season when speculation concerning the talented 6’3″ junior gunslinger seemed to peak with each passing day. Due to regulations set forth by the Imperial Collegiate Athletic Association, official recruiting of Clausen could not begin until a proscribed time after national Letter of Intent day. Many were shocked that Clausen, who appeared to be mulling his decision until at least the end of the spring, committed to the Irish and the Hutts.
“Frankly, I’m shockedth. I wouldth have never guessth [Clausthen] wouldth commith thith thoon,” former Notre Dame head coach and current ESPN analyst Lou Holtz said. The snake tongued Holtz is considered by many to be as reliable a source on Notre Dame matters as he is on the topic of spit.
“Thith is thimply unbelievable. What a windfall for the Fightin’ Ithish!” Holtz said.
Most agree that Clausen’s early commitment was precipitated by the imprisonment and subsequent transportation to Tatooine of Carroll. Though reports are hazy at the moment, insiders have speculated that Carroll was lured into a trap by Sith lord and ICAA President Darth Brand in an alliance of convenience with Notre Dame and the Hutt syndicate. The resulting battle has accounted for at least four dozen Rebel Alliance casualties and an unknown number of USC football team manager deaths.
Darth Brand’s dreaded NCAA Clearinghouse choke hold of the Sith.
Carroll eventually surrendered but not before doing three somersaults, diving off the mile high spire of Cloud City and returning two minutes later after a light jog, cooking seventeen turkeys, hooting like an owl and waxing the Imperial Governor’s office windows. The jovial coach and part time spice smuggler seemed particularly light hearted as he was lead to the carbonite encasing chamber, going so far as to high five witnesses along the way.
“I think his last words were, ‘Hot dang, I’m so jacked up for this new experience!'” a storm trooper who wished to remain anonymous reported.
The removal of Carroll, even temporarily, creates a vacuum in the delicately balanced world of college football. One expert even described it “as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”
The carbonite Carroll was transported to Tatooine where, according to sources, he will hang in the throne room of Notre Dame head football coach and regional Hutt boss Charlie Weis.
“Chi sa bicha wonki Carrollota,” Weis said. “Bun yo kabuk noni Solo! Uta kolki koth taga, ichaga kong un bantha pudu. “
He later added, “Look at my four Super Bowl rings motherfuckers! Lonta ya bamba ma tota!”
Weis: “Jor maja ix asha pi cho!”
Weis’ well documented grudge against Carroll stems back to last year’s USC-Notre Dame game in which the Trojans won 34-31 on two amazing fourth quarter plays from Heisman Trophy winners Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart. That game was made all the more interesting considering the bounty Weis had placed on Carroll’s head after the latter’s infamous 1998 AFC Kessel run.
There are few who are willing to speculate about the possible fate of college football and the universe after yesterday’s revelation. With the addition of Clausen – the prohibitive top recruit for next season – and an apparent alliance with the Empire, Notre Dame football and the Hutts are poised to upset the balance of Saturday afternoons and the life giving Force. Even fewer are willing to discuss rumors of the construction of some kind of super weapon near Endor, though whispers of a “Run ‘n Gun Spread Double Wing” formation persist.
Pundits and fans alike seemed to have placed their hope in the mysterious, little known and little seen recluse Norm Chow. Why this would be, and whether or not he might leave Dagobah, Tennessee remains to be seen, but few doubt the dire nature of the universe’s present situation.
Will Chow from Dagobah leave?
For now there seems to be an uneasy lull as opposing forces eye each other and contemplate their next move, though with the growing discontent in Kashyyyk, Mississippi the possibility of interstellar and inter-conference war seems inevitable. Will Ed Orgeron come to the aid of his former leader? Will Weis be strangled by his own headset cord by a nubile Erin Andrews? Will Clausen start as a true freshman? Will both sides order a temporary ceasefire to throw Skip Bayless to the sarlaac?
Weis has his own answer to such questions: “Raylun ta getpa gushu krispy kreme.”
Holding all the cards close to his overflowing chest, it seems few in the galaxy can dispute or understand him.
Orgeron is not pleased.